


In the Stars

by Eunmih, shitty4eyes



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Eventual Smut, F/M, M/M, Rocker/Idol Kihyun, Slice of Life, Trans Girl Dior, Trans Girl Sangah, straight people can be lgbt too y'all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-10-20 11:54:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 71,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20674958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eunmih/pseuds/Eunmih, https://archiveofourown.org/users/shitty4eyes/pseuds/shitty4eyes
Summary: Sangah is just a girl in the crowd. He’s just a boy on stage. And while the universe might get some things the wrong way around, maybe this was written in the stars.





	1. Part 1: Stand Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Band is inspired by both Day 6 and ONE OK ROCK. The songs (most of them) are from ONE OK ROCK's album "Eye Of The Storm". It's a really good album, check it out if you're into J-Rock or K-Rock!

Sangah’s favourite thing about herself is probably her hair. It took years to grow this long, but it’s full and thick and most of the time she can use it to hide her face, or have it fall over her shoulders to make them look a little softer. She likes the bangs, too; it makes her face look rounder than it is, even if it makes her nose look bigger. But it’s fine. It’s fine.

She’s never had on make-up this pretty, or this much. Who knew Hyungwon had such a steady hand with liquid eyeliner?

Sangah pulls the denim skirt a little down her legs, feels the straps over her shoulders pull a little. It isn’t… short, but it feels shorter than it is, because despite being more comfortable with herself in a skirt, and actually quite liking her legs, she also feels more… antsy. Like something small will betray her while she's looking the other way. But she's okay, because her cardigan is soft and fluffy and a light purple, probably _ too _ soft for a rock concert…

The guy behind them in line glances at her so she looks away quickly, moves her hair back over her shoulder, against her cheek. She’s excited, but, because life is what life is, and she is who she is, she can’t help but be a little nervous.

“Didn’t know there would be this many people...” she mumbles under her breath to Hyungwon, her best friend, her confidant in all matters big or small.

“It’s a concert,” Hyungwon deadpans. “If there weren’t this many people here, they wouldn’t be doing a concert.”

“Ah, but I miss the old days of garage bands inviting you over,” Sangah teases, rolling her eyes. “Ever so popular.”

“Three of them were actually in a garage band, or so I’ve heard,” Hyungwon says as he casually looks around, towering over everyone near them. Sangah included, even if Sangah herself towers a little over the other girls, Hyungwon is still a skyscraper among all of them. “But the company the band signed a contract with found them the other two.”

“Where do you know them from, again?”

Hyungwon looks over. “Oh, I keep up with the new trends? Stan Twitter has been noisy about these guys and I checked them out. Pretty good!”

Sangah sighs as if mournfully. “And you know I’m a sucker for an underdog...”

“I really don’t know how I got the Ultimate VIP tickets, though,” Hyungwon snorts lowly. “I mean… I was going for the VIP ones so we could be close but… The website tricked me into paying more?”

“Suuuuure,” Sangah scoffs. “Which one of the members do you have the hots for? Don’t lie, I know you.” She knows perfectly well that Hyungwon won those tickets in the Lucky Roulette Event, after everything was sold out. _Technically_ sold out.

Hyungwon’s lips thin in a line, like they aren’t meaty at all to begin with. “Keys guy… Wonho.”

“Lemme guess,” Sangah laughs and brings up her own skinny arm and pretends to have any substance on there, ‘flexing’.

Hyungwon makes a face and rolls his eyes, “Yes, yes. He’s buff.”

“_Noice_,” Sangah nods. “You plan on seducing a guy from a band? Aish, it’s high school all over again.”

“They probably won’t remember us come morning. Hell, no. That’s me being positive and hopeful. They’ll forget us the moment we leave.”

“Sounds promising,” Sangah mutters, touches her hair (big curls she’d worked hard on) and sees her nails. Soft pink. It makes her smile a little. And when the line moves a little forward, and so do they. “So is it one of those high touches where you barely see a blur of the person as you smack thin air, hoping for a high five?”

“Ah, no, they just started so… It’s like,” Hyungwon tiptoes and peeks over the line, squinting. “I think there’s a total of ten Ultimate VIPs?” He shrugs and slumps back down. “And you can talk to them for like… five minutes or so…”

Sangah swallows down the little bundle of nerves. “Oh.”

“You don’t have to talk, though. You can just stare,” Hyungwon mumbles, glances over and smiles small.

“You know me so well,” Sangah smiles back but softly, gives him a little shove, clears her throat when her voice comes out deeper than she'd like (it's always deeper than she'd like). “I hate that even you sound more like a girl than I do,” Sangah tsks playfully. “It’s frustrating.”

“Ah, don’t say that… Voices don't have a gender,” Hyungwon mumbles, frowns softly and looks down. He raises his hand, then, palm up. “Your nails look pretty. Can I see?”

There’s a reason Hyungwon is Sangah’s best friend. This is a big part of it. Accepting her as she is, even when, and nearly especially, she struggles with it herself. So, she lifts her hand for Hyungwon and smiles. “Watched this YouTube thing on how to put these little jewel thingies on…”

Hyungwon takes her hand and leans down to look closer. “It looks so pretty,” he says, sounding actually surprised. “I love the crescent moons.”

Sangah smiles brightly, chest a little warm. “It does?” Weird, how even something as simple as ‘hands’ can be a big insecurity.

“Yeah,” Hyungwon nods. “I keep telling you, you have pretty hands. And when you do your nails and they’re just a little long, it looks really good.”

Sangah feels herself pout, leaning against Hyungwon. “Thanks, Wonnie…”

“No problem,” Hyungwon says, shaking Sangah’s hand like a playful handshake before letting go. He reaches inside his jacket for his phone and brings it out. “Okay, last minute review so you don’t feel dumb.” He opens his gallery and scrolls down to a folder that reads ‘Twitter’, opens it and selects the first picture. “This is, well, Wonho, obviously. Buff guy. Keys and vocalist.”

“Your type to a T,” Sangah giggles.

Hyungwon scoffs a laugh and shakes his head, swipes left. “This is Jooheon. Drums. Can actually rap real good.”

“He looks like… I don’t know, those kind of stage personas that just--Wah! Enigmatic.”

“Wait until you see him hit those drums,” Hyungwon scoffs, swipes right again. “This is Kihyun, guitarist and main vocalist.”

Sangah blinks at the picture of the pretty boy with the sharp nose and eyebrows. “His hair is purple…”

“Their new album is called ‘Purple’. That’s probably why…”

Sangah pouts. “Aw, that’s my favourite colour and all...”

“It’s why I told you to bring the purplish cardigan, dummy,” Hyungwon says reaching up to poke Sangah’s forehead. “But hey, thank you for coming with me on such short notice.”

“Thanks for asking me,” Sangah smiles, shaking her head fast to ruffle her bangs. “I’m fun, right! I can be _ fun _,” Sangah says, chin up and tugging at her cardigan.

Hyungwon laughs a little. “You are, you are.” 

“Well, if all else fails, I have a fridge full of beer at home, so,” Sangah gives a little fist pump. “Huzzah.”

“It will be fine,” Hyungwon says. “The pit will be small. Just watch out for the fansites. Punch them if you have to, I know you can.”

“Hell yeah, I can,” Sangah says, giving her hand a little punch. Sangah clears her throat, then, says it again in a higher pitch that feels a little uncomfortable. “Hell yeah, I can.” She glances to Hyungwon. “No?” 

Hyungwon pinches his forefinger and his thumb in a circle and says, “O-keh!”

Sangah laughs and shoves at him again, before the line moves further. Hyungwon gives in the tickets and they give them green bracelets with a code that they scan.

“Keep this in your bag,” Hyungwon says, handing over Sangah’s ticket. “For the memories. You can put it in your diary.”

Sangah smiles wide and slips the ticket into her small, pink satchel. There’s a soft blue floff hanging from it. It’s her emotional support floff, honestly. 

“Still not entirely convinced I should have told you about my diary.”

“I never pry,” Hyungwon scoffs. “I have stood, literally, two centimeters away from it and I didn’t even touch it.”

“The bestest friend,” Sangah says, sticking out her tongue as they walk. It’s a nice venue, big. There’s stands selling merchandise and Sangah’s brain just freaks out because it’s all _purple!_ “It’s so _ preeeeetty, _” Sangah coos, shaking at Hyungwon’s arm. “I waaaaaaaaant." 

_ Spectrum. _It makes sense, as the albums and merchandise they have displayed seems to be in some sort of colour spectrum. Black, Blue, and now, Purple.

But Purple is definitely Sangah’s favourite. It’s a deep but bright fushia, with what looks like clouds? Yeah, clouds. It’s pretty. Never even heard a single song, but aesthetic wise, this band has Sangah hooked.

“Look,” Hyungwon says, pointing at a few plushies hanging from one of the stalls. “The mascot. Cute right?” It’s a prisma dressed like the rainbow with big, round eyes.

“A rainbow,” Sangah smiles. “Spectrum. Makes sense. Pretty gay, though, you might actually have a shot with big buff boy.”

“He’s like an idol,” Hyungwon scoffs. “He _ is _an idol, somehow. Not like the big idols but… Yeah. I can dream. Or read Wonho x Reader fanfiction and cringe deep in my soul.”

Sangah sticks her tongue out. “Yuckers. And those are usually for girls, you know. Well… other girls.” Sangah shrugs. “Anyway, I like the concept they’ve got going.”

“Here,” Hyungwon says as he plugs his earphones into his phone. “This is from ‘Blue’,” he says as he hands the earphones over, glances at the guy behind them when he gets a tad too close. He makes a face and the guy backs away a little. There are actually, surprisingly, quite a lot of guys here. It’s mostly fangirls, though.

“I trust you to guide me, then,” Sangah teases before putting both earphones in and holds onto Hyungwon’s arm. 

It’s odd, to feel a little lost without one of her senses focused on the environment, but… The song... It’s… good. Really good. The vocals are amazing and, especially, the lead vocal. That _ range, damn _. Sangah makes an impressed face towards Hyungwon, putting up a thumb. Hyungwon smiles and guides Sangah when the line moves again. 

The song ends and another begins. When Sangah peeks at Hyungwon’s phone, reaching out to poke at the home button so she can check the title, it reads; ‘Purple - _ Stand Out Fit In’. _ Sangah smiles. _ Story of my life _. 

“I’m actually excited for this now,” she teases under her breath. “_And_,” she adds, taking out an earphone. “I think I found my bias.”

Hyungwon makes an impressed face. “Oh? So quickly? Who is it?”

“The Voice,” Sangah says, voice a little dramatic and eyebrows jumping up and down.

“Ah--” Hyungwon laughs. “Kihyun, then?”

“Yesh! Mr. Purple Hair. He’s cute, too…” Sangah gets out her phone, opens Twitter. “Need to find me some pics…”

“Search for _ Feel Yoo _ and _ Aurora Polaris,” _ Hyungwon says.

She does. And blinks. Blinks a lot. “What the hell, he’s hot.”

“Eh,” Hyungwon shrugs. “He’s okay. Great voice, though.”

“Your type is buff boys. This?” Sangah points at the screen, at the boy in a leather jacket and ripped jeans. “My type. Leave me be.”

_ Yoo Kihyun. _ Main vocalist. Born on the 22nd November, 1993. A Scorpio-Sagittarius cusp. 174cm. 63kg. Blood type B. Born in Goyang. Can play the piano and the guitar. Can speak a bit of Mandarin. Can speak English. Can’t do aegyo even if his life depended on it. Has been called ‘hamster’, is trying for ‘fox’ or ‘shark’. Doesn’t like cranberries and loves chicken. His favourite colour is blue. Came up with the fandom’s name; Spectral.

All this information just a click away.

“I feel like a stalker all of a sudden,” Sangah scoffs and wanders into Pinterest. For someone who can’t do aegyo, Kihyun is… really cute. Bleh, stupid idols. “When does it start?”

“In half an hour,” Hyungwon says. “Stay here for a second,” he says before leaving the line and wandering to one of the stalls. Sangah can see him pick up a small keychain with a wide-eyed rainbow prisma and wave at the vendor. When he’s back, Hyungwon hands Sangah the keychain. “Here, the rest of your birthday present.”

Sangah gapes, keychain in hand. “Wha--For real? This is so pretty, Hyungwon!”! Sangah squeals and glomps, squeezing Hyungwon tight. “Ah, thank you!”

_ Really getting that fangirl thing down, huh... _

A few people disperse but return to the line. And, fifteen minutes before the concert is scheduled to start, they walk inside. It’s probably not the biggest venue. Actually, it isn’t. Sangah knows that for a fact. But it’s still really, _ really _ big. Especially when looking up at the benches. The staff guides them inside, checks their bracelets for priority entries. Ultimate VIP and VIP enter earlier. So, the moment they’re all set--_so close to the stage!_\--the loud noise of standard ticket buyers echoes through the small stadium as people start filling up the background.

It’s a little tight. And, like Hyungwon had warned, there are a lot of people with big cameras in their hands. _ Fansites. _ Luckily, for now, none of them is close by.

The stage is _ literally _ only a meter or two away and Hyungwon keeps trying to dig through a few people, pulling Sangah close when he manages to get through the first one. 

It’s like Sangah’s blood wakes up her brain, suddenly, though she’s already awake, has been awake since early this morning. It’s an impish glee she feels she needs to shy away from, the kind that feels like icing on a cake. And, before she knows it, her hands reach for the railing and Hyungwon manages to fit himself behind her.

One or two meters have turned to one or two centimeters.

Sangah smiles brightly over her shoulder at Hyungwon, who looks just as delighted. Sangah is happy she came, happy she’s here. And Hyungwon is behind her, so she’ll be just fine.

It gets loud and then louder when people start cheering even though nothing is happening. And then everyone _ screams _ when mist puffs all over the stage. But again, nothing happens.

Time passes. It’s already a little past scheduled time. Sangah touches the keychain around her neck and her eyes go wide when the lights go out. Nobody is waving lightsticks around, so the band probably doesn't have one yet. But everyone is cheering, a wave of sound that comes from behind her, and another from the stage itself. It’s rock. It’s definitely rock. It sounds completely different from the Kpop Sangah has seen live before, and she fucking _ loves _it. It’s barely started and she loves it!

The drummer--Jooheon, Sangah remembers--leads. It’s like a solo intro, and it’s _ awesome _ . The stage lights follow his lead, seemingly, with every beat. There’s a lot of purple, obviously, but Jooheon is dressed in black. A tank top (nice arms--yes, but then again, _ drummer_), what looks like hair clips on the side of his head. 

A guitar joins him, music swelling. It makes excitement course through Sangah’s body and she jumps a little on the spot, eyes wide. Guitar, which means--

The lights shift and turn white and blue for a moment before everything goes dark. The sound of the guitar echoes and the drums stop. The shadows are seamless and everyone keeps shouting, screaming, cheering, whistling. And it erupts like crazy when someone whose voice, after hearing it just once, Sangah would recognize anywhere without a doubt.

_ “It’s harder to see--” _

The lights come back, slowly, toneless and turning pink with the crescendo.

There’s someone on the keys, Wonho. A guitarist close by that Sangah doesn’t recognize. Someone else with what looks like a bass. Jooheon, behind the stage mist. And--

Kihyun, a beautiful cherry red guitar burnt black at the edges contrasting with his black clothes. Purple hair a little dark in the dim light. Eyes painted gold at the edges, sharp. It’s difficult not to look at him in wonder. At the way Kihyun’s eyebrows scrunch a little as his lips move around the words, _ “You wait for a sign and then ten come along”. _ At the way they relax when he looks up to the seats at the back of the stadium.

The song picks up, the drums kick in again, the lights flash in a blinding way and Kihyun’s voice mixes with someone else’s. When the chorus comes and everyone sings, _ “In the eye of the storm,” _ so loud it muffles Kihyun’s voice, Kihyun grins a little for a moment before the expression fades into the muted sharpness with which he started.

It is, perhaps, the best concert Sangah has ever attended. It’s lively, it’s--it’s _ passionate _. And they’re so, so talented that their stage presence is almost blinding. _You’d think they were a world famous band_, and not one or two albums out of debut. And the best part is; they’re funny. They talk to the crowd, they teach the crowd how to sing along, they ask if everyone is feeling alright. Sangah's heart jumps when Kihyun looks her way the one time, eyes catching with a smile she returns. And when someone throws a football sized prisma plushy and hits Kihyun’s head, he makes the most surprised expression Sangah has ever seen. It's adorable.

All in all, a great experience. A great experience that passes in the blink of an eye and ends all too soon.

Except, for them, it’s not over, not really. And reality dawns on Sangah so fast that her eyes go wide and she shakes at Hyungwon. “Oh my god we’re gonna meet them! Like! Actually meet them!”

“Yaaaay,” Hyungwon says with the least excited voice ever. His smile, though, tells Sangah he’s actually pretty excited about it.

“Do I still look okay?” Sangah asks, wiping at the corners of her eyes and fumbling for the small perfume spray she’d brought with. “Oh god…”

“Hm,” Hyungwon leans back and squints, reaches over to swap a few strands of hair from side to side. “Yep. The prettiest,” he says as he leans forward again.

They’re alone in the pit, only a few people around them and leftovers of the crowd on the benches here and there. Funnily enough, Hyungwon is the only guy.

For some reason, that just makes Sangah even _ more _nervous. The other girls here… Are all 1) shorter than her, 2) far, far prettier than her and 3) entirely at ease. They’re all so excited as they talk among each other and Sangah just clings to Hyungwon’s arm as if it’s her biggest salvation. She can hear them speak. She sounds nothing like them.

A staff member calls to everyone’s attention and starts guiding them out of the pit. Another staff member guides them through a door, into a corridor and then a room with a few chairs.

It feels claustrophobic, but Sangah tries to ignore it. Like Hyungwon said; they won’t remember them come morning. It’ll be okay. 

As they wait, Sangah finally settles on a new lockscreen. A picture of Kihyun on stage. It’s nice, artistic. He looks good. And Sangah is officially putty for that voice of his.

_ You’re meeting him in a second. _

_ Shut up, me! _

Another staff member comes through an open door, opposite to the one they all came through. He stops, looks back and waits. Whispers turn to squeals when Jooheon walks in, eyes a little big on the staff member. He stops to ask him something, glances at the fans, lips pouty and waves a little before looking back again.

“Not that door!” He shouts, walks to the doorway and dramatically gestures to where he’s standing. “This door!”

The girls laugh. Sangah just smiles to herself, watches the boy, hair like a curtain in front of one of her eyes. She moves it out of the way, but barely.

When Kihyun steps into view he jumps back and seems to laugh when Jooheon lifts his hand up a little as if to hit him. And then Wonho walks in, smiles bright and waves at the fans while Kihyun hides behind him as they pass Jooheon, who just stares unimpressed.

It’s an interesting dynamic, and Sangha is sure there are videos upon videos about it on YouTube. She’ll have to go check.

“Hello!” Wonho says bright, walking closer, the rest of the band following in tow. 

Kihyun stops clinging to Wonho’s back and waves with both hands as he approaches one of the fans. He smiles soft when she raises her hands and he holds them, shakes them a little and says, “Hello,” eyes on her before he looks at everyone else. At Sangah and then Hyungwon. “Oh!” Kihyun steps back, lets go of the girls hands, one coming up to his mouth but never covering it. He points at Hyungwon. “There’s a fanboy.”

Sangah relaxes a little. _Shit,_ for a second there, she thought he was pointing at _ her_. That would have been… _ahaha,_ fucking horrific.

“Oh!” Wonho walks closer and Hyungwon seems to freeze for a moment. “We’ve never had a fanboy in a Meet before!” 

Sangah smiles to herself and pushes Hyungwon a little closer, whispers loudly, trying to make her voice just not _ as _deep. “You’re his bias.”

Wonho points to himself. “Me?”

Hyungwon scowls over at Sangah, which just makes her want to giggle because his ears are _ red. _But then he smiles shyly at Wonho, bowing his head a little as he nods. Bowing! _This is great._

“Why do I never get the fanboys?” Kihyun laughs softly before turning to another girl who starts blabbing _ really _ fast. It’s funny how Kihyun blinks, eyes going a little wide and he tilts his head forward just a little, like he’s trying really hard to understand her. Sangah only realises she’s staring once Jooheon speaks up.

“Did everyone have fun at the concert?” he asks, earns a slap on the shoulder from one of the members. Sangah remembers him at the bass.

All the girls excitedly agree and Hyungwon adds a, “Yeah, it was great.” 

They’re standing in a line, which is great. What isn’t so great is how Kihyun seems to be going from girl to girl without skipping anyone. Sangah’s heart almost jumps to her throat when he stops close by and smiles at the girl next to her.

“Hey, did you have fun?” he asks, smiling small when the girl nods. He holds her hand when she reaches out.

Sangah is nervous and she knows it. She’s really, _ really _ nervous, holding her own hands in front of herself and glancing up through her hair at Kihyun standing _ right there_. In front of a very pretty girl who had red-dyed hair falling over her shoulders.

“Lots!” the girl chirps, “I couldn’t take my eyes off you, Kihyun-sshi!”

Kihyun’s nose scrunches a little and he wiggles both their hands, “Shhhh,” he leans closer, “It’s the hair, isn’t it? Wonho wanted to dye his pink and I hid the dye.”

The girl giggles and Sangah just smiles. “Oh, but you should try pink next time, oppa. You’d look wonderful.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Kihyun says, bows his head ever so slightly and lets go of the girl’s hand. “Although, now that I’m looking at you, I wouldn’t mind trying red.”

The girl giggles again and touches her hair, Sangah putting a hand to her own black hair as well. “Everything would look good on you, oppa, you’re so handsome.”

“Shhh,” Kihyun says, finger coming up to his lips. “Don’t say it too loud, the others get jealous.” He smiles. “Thank you for coming,” he adds, and then glances at Sangah, tilts his head a little as if trying to see her face.

Sangah feels herself blush crimson, self-conscious, and looks away, down, nervously putting a hand in her hair. It’s her favourite, after all. It helps to… ground her, when she feels like she’s under a microscope. When she glances up again, though, Kihyun is right in front of her.

“You seem shy,” he says softly, smile small. “It’s okay,” he raises one of his hands and waves it, “Can I hold yours?”

Hyungwon had complimented her nails. Called them pretty. If not for that, Sangah is not sure she would have the courage to reach out and let Kihyun take her hand. It’s the first time she’s holding hands with a boy that isn’t Hyungwon.

Kihyun laces their fingers together and shakes her arm lightly. “Did you have fun?”

Sangah can’t really find her voice. And if she could, she doesn’t even think it’s really her own. But she nods, fast, enthusiastic, smiles a little at him. _ I’m sorry I’m shy, I’m sorry I’m so nervous and self-conscious _.

“Ah, I’m glad,” Kihyun smiles, glances at their hands. “Oh, I love your nails, did you do them?”

“Yeah,” Sangah says, keeping her voice soft, tries not to wince at the sound. When she talks softly, though, sometimes, it’s harder to tell. “Probably should have gone for purple, huh?”

Kihyun’s eyes move to her face and he smiles, laughs a little. “Maybe.” He lowers his head and holds Sangah’s hand up a little. “We’d match,” he says before looking up, “You nailed it with the cardigan, though.”

Sangah scoffs a small laugh. “_Nailed it_. Really?” And then blushes some more. “I mean, because of the nails? Thought it was a… pun.”

“It was,” Kihyun grins, thumbs softly at Sangah’s hand and then lets go. “Thank you so much for coming!” He smiles. “Also, your hair is really pretty,” he gestures at his own forehead, “I like the bangs.”

Sangah smiles, trying not to smile too wide, bows her head a little. “Thank you.”

Kihyun turns to Hyungwon and raises an eyebrow and both hands. “Fanboy, wanna hold hands?”

“No,” Hyungwon deadpans with a smile and Kihyun slaps a hand over his chest like he’s been shot, stumbles back a little and makes a pained face. Which makes Sangah laugh under her breath.

Jooheon cackles, “Oh, man!”

“Wanna hold hands?” Wonho asks then, shoving lightly at Kihyun, who dramatically pretends he’s been thrown into another dimension.

“Yes,” Hyungwon deadpans and literally just--takes both Wonho’s hands. Sangah laughs behind her hand. And Wonho _ beams _ before glancing at Kihyun, who just pouts.

“I’ll hold your hands, oppa!” one of the girls says to Kihyun, who turns the pout to her.

At this point, Sangah actually wishes she was a fanboy, just to perhaps give Kihyun the satisfaction. 

Jooheon gets closer and points at the prisma toy, “Oh, you have one!” He smiles and points to himself. “I drew it!”

Sangah blinks. “Oh? That’s really cool!” Sangah says excitedly before clearing her throat, looking down, hand on the necklace. 

Jooheon seems to smile just a little wider, cheeks dimpling. “Take good care of it!”

“I will,” Sangah smiles. _He’s so nice, ugh... _

One of the members at the back waves and starts walking backwards before the others follow and Wonho, reluctantly, lets go of Hyungwon’s hands. They stand in a line and Kihyun counts until three until all of them say, at the same time, “Thank you for coming!”

Everyone bows back and Sangah holds her hand close to her chest. That was it, then? Not a total disaster…

“Oppa,” one of the girls whines. “Stay longer, please!”

“Yeah,” another whines. “We barely saw you!”

Sangah frowns over. _ They’re busy people, let them go, geez... _

Kihyun just smiles and Jooheon says, “I have to go back home to my cats!”

The girls all start cooing. “Yoshi and Gucci!”

“Please post pictures, oppa, they’re so cute!”

“Will do!” Jooheon says, waves and they start walking away.

Wonho practically needs to be dragged and for a moment, just for a moment, Sangah locks eyes with Kihyun while he’s trying to drag Wonho but barely moving.

Just like that, the door closes and it’s over.

Sangah lets out a deep breath and glances at Hyungwon, laughing as she elbows him. “Subtle, dude.”

Hyungwon rolls his eyes and reaches out to ruffle Sangah’s hair. “And you talked to him. I’m proud.”

Sangah sticks out her tongue at him. “Whatever. I stan this band now. You’ve created a monster.”

Hyungwon laugh glances at the staff member that is now gesturing at everyone to move. “I’m glad. I give you two days and you’ll be way more deep in this than I’ll ever be,” he jokes, hand coming to Sangah’s shoulder to guide her in front of him.

One of the girls frowns as they walk past and, before Sangah can really process it, her hand is tugging, harshly, at Sangah’s hair. “Ow!” she whines, hand moving up as she moves away, looks at the girl with wide eyes.

“Oh,” the girl says. “I thought that was a wig.”

“And that gives you the right to pull at people’s hair?” Hyungwon says, pulling Sangah close. “Move along!” he tells the random girl, who rolls her eyes.

“I was just checking that my oppa wasn’t holding the hands of some freak,” she says, and walks away. It’s just some random girl and it shouldn’t matter, but Sangah feels her bottom lip tremble and her eyes burn.

“Your oppa probably sucks dick, what do you know,” Hyungwon mumbles under his breath, arm coming around Sangah and walking with her. “Please ignore that idiot.”

Sangah keeps her bottom lip pouted. It helps, a little. She keeps fiddling with her hair, though, hand on the locks that fall over her chest.

“I wanna go home and watch Spectrum music videos,” Sangah grumbles under her breath.

Hyungwon huffs a laugh and squeezes her a little. “I’ll take you home. Also, they have a show. Ten episodes I think. Just them being silly. You’ll probably like it.”

“Well, that’s my night sorted,” Sangah laughs softly and bumps her head against Hyungwon. “Thanks again for bringing me here, Wonnie. It was… really fun.”

“You’re welcome,” Hyungwon says. “I’ll make sure I keep an eye out for future concerts.”

“And fansigns. So you can hold Wonho’s hands again.”

“Obviously.

\---

It’s been a week since the concert and the band has been discovered; ‘The Spectrum: Colors’ episodes have been watched _twice_. The Twitter account? Followed. It’s over for Im Sangah. This is her life now. Despite her initial bias towards Kihyun, she quickly realizes the other members are just--they’re all so _ nice _. And funny, and so, _so_ pretty.

Jooheon had, apparently, for a while, been called the ‘Ugly Member’. Which is… the stupidest thing Sangah has ever heard. Wonho is incredibly soft hearted--the man accidentally slammed a door and apologized to it. Who does that?! But Kihyun is just…

Sangah pouts at her phone, at the picture on her lockscreen. Mostly because that picture is her lockscreen, and also because she needs a Red Bull right fucking now, but _ right fucking now_ is at 2am. Still, Sangah needs it, needs to finish arranging this schedule so she can get money so she can save for _ blah blah blah. _Same old, same old. 

She’s already wearing her wolf onesie (thanks, Hyungwon) so there’s no getting out of that. But she puts on a black hoodie over it and fixes her unruly hair up into a ponytail. It’s a bit… up. Like a fountain on top of her head. It’s kinda funny. She’s squinting at herself as she quickly cleans her glasses with a cloth before putting them on, giving her stupid reflection the thumbs up and heading out.

_ The things I do for caffeine… and money… to buy caffeine... _

It’s peaceful outside, if not slightly ominous with the near promise of murder if Sangah accidentally wanders into an alley way or something. It’s become a lot easier to pass, these days, since Sangah scrambled together enough money for estrogen injections, but it’s only been a few months. Sangah just feels… softer. It won’t change her voice (godfucking_DAMMIT_) but it’ll help for other things. Her confidence, for one. Not much, but a little. It’s just nice to know she’s on some sort of path towards what she wants to achieve, why she works nearly two jobs and all of them from home. Necessity all wrapped in want.

The lights from the store just makes her squint as she approaches it. Why are these lights so damn bright? Tt’s 2am, chill the fuck out. She walks in and starts looking around. _Where’s the--_Ah, energy drinks. A blessing from the gods. It's funny that the shelf is just as colourful as the LGBT flag.

The intent was to buy one (1) Red Bull. The intent has changed. Now, it is three. Mostly because there’s a promotion on and Sangah has never been one to waste Red Bull promotions. 

She walks to the cashier and glances up when someone carrying a huge amount of instant cup noodles, holding them stacked all the way up to his chin, places everything down over the counter and huffs, fumbles when the cup noodles almost tumble. 

It takes a whole minute to process that. Because it goes from, ‘_What a pretty face’ _ to ‘_Hang on, __I know that face’ _ to _ ‘Oh my god, that’s Yoo Kihyun!’. _Black hoodie, dark jeans, purple hair parted down the middle over his forehead and disappearing under the black cap.

Sangah is staring. She’s well aware. Except, she hasn’t actually had any of the Red Bull so cognitive function is low at the moment.

The cashier starts registering everything, throwing the noodles into a plastic bag, and Kihyun pats at all his pockets until he finds his wallet. It’s a simple black wallet. He opens it, takes out a note and hands it over when the cashier asks him to pay. As he’s about to save his wallet after putting the change away, Kihyun glances up and locks eyes with Sangah. He frowns for a moment but startles when the cashier hands him over the plastic bag that seems to be about to burst with the amount of cup noodles inside.

“Do you need help with that?” Sangah asks, voice small.

Kihyun looks at her again as he steps back and blinks, eyes rushing down the moment one of the cup noodles tumbles from the bag and makes a loud noise when it falls on the floor. Kihyun stares at it for a moment and sighs, crouches, bag between his legs, and tries to squeeze everything inside in a way to have it all fit.

He looks back up, though, smiles small and says, “I’m okay, thank you.”

“Good, that’s--” Sangah clears her throat and puts the Red Bulls on the counter. “That’s good.”

Kihyun gets back up, holding the bag with both hands to keep it open just enough. He glances at the Red Bulls and then at Sangah, smiles a little and squints. “Do I know you from somewhere?”

Sangah blushes--_ ugh_. “Yes. I mean, well, no, I only met you once, at the, er, concert, last week? I was the one next to the fanboy?”

Kihyun blinks, eyes widening a little. “Ah… Ah!” He tilts back a little. “The shy girl with the pretty hair!” He looks at the fountain ponytail and snorts a laugh, glances away before glancing over again. “Uhm… Please, don’t… Er, don’t post on social media about this. I mean, you can say you met me but don’t… say where?”

Sangah blinks at him. “Met Yoo Kihyun buying enough noodles for an army. He laughed at my hair. Peace out,” Sangah throws up a peace sign and scoffs. “Something like that?”

Kihyun laughs a little and nods, “Yep, that’s fine.”

“I wouldn’t, though, so don’t worry,” Sangah smiles in that way she knows makes her cheeks puff, glances at the total and digs for her wallet in the pockets of the onesie.

“This is how rumours start, isn’t it?” Kihyun says as he turns just a little away. “Yoo Kihyun, eats too much. Only eats noodles.” He raises the bag a little. “Not for me, though.”

“I know,” Sangah smiles again, hands over a note to the cashier and fumbles with the little plastic bag he gives her for the drinks. “Don’t stay up too late,” Sangah says, moving two fingers between her eyes and him playfully. “If you don’t get enough sleep, you’ll lose your looks and people won’t have a clue what to talk to you about at meet and greets.”

Kihyun looks up and blinks. A smile blooms a little and he says, “No one wants that, right?” He glances at the bag. “Says the girl picking up three Red Bulls at 2am.”

“Yeeeah,” Sangah takes the bag, smiles a little. _ The girl. _It’s nice to hear it. “Don’t tweet about that, either.”

Kihyun raises an eyebrow, “Saw a raccoon at the convenience store rummaging through the fridge. It ran away with a few energy drinks.”

Sangah barks a small laugh she wasn’t prepared for, would have kept under control if it wasn’t 2a-fuckin’-m. “I am--_ offended_,” Sangah laughs, little bag in hand but she just… stands there. Whelp. “These--” She points at her eyes, at the black bags Kihyun (Yoo freaking Kihyun) must have been referring to. “Are heavy duty.”

Kihyun smiles soft. “Don’t work too much, just enough,” he says before bowing a little. “Nice seeing you again.”

“You, too,” Sangah says and gives a little wave before Kihyun leaves the shop. Sangah literally feels herself deflate, hand over her face. “Oh my god…”

She just walks out before the cashier can say anything. She does not need that right now.

The moment she gets home, she kicks off her shoes and puts the Red Bulls away, takes one, and ambles back to her computer, headphones over her ears.

It’s gonna be a long night; better listen to some Spectrum. _Of course._

The first song starts and Sangah starts thinking.

That was weird, right? Well, not _ weird, _people run into celebrities all the time but… _Ugh, he’s so nice!_ And listen to him sing, it’s not fair! It really doesn’t help that Sangah is all loveless and alone and gooey over an idol. But such is life.

“_I __wanna dance till my legs break,” _ Sangah mumbles along under her breath, hums and types away. _“ I wanna love till my heart aches. I want the cause of my death to be amazing sex-- _

Sangah promptly chokes on some Red Bull. Shit, she’d--she’d forgotten about that part of the song, for a second. Stupid beautiful voice singing such sin. Sin!

Sangah scoffs to herself, though, glancing down to her lap before rolling her eyes back to the computer screen.

Sex isn’t much of an option, at the moment. From lack of availability and lack of, well. Other things. And the actual idea of having sex with her body like this? _Nope_. But that’s alright. _Cheers to you, Yoo Kihyun, may you come and then, well, go._

\---

There seems to be a theme that goes along with the albums’ colours. ‘Black’ sounds angry. It’s the type of thing a teenage Sangah would blast out loud in her room just to annoy her parents. ‘Blue’ sounds sad and slightly melancholic but still hopeful. _ Listen, _ in particular clearly talks about depression. And then there’s ‘Purple’ which is a lot more metaphoric and also a social critic. Something that goes along with obvious personal growth. 

Sangah wonders what will come next. Pink? Could be all cute and romantic. _None of this ‘sex me to death’ crap, Yoo Kihyun. _Alas... It’s only during the ending half of their tour that something other than pictures gets teased on the band’s Twitter page.

<strike> </strike>

_ So am I, Kihyun. So am I. _

Which is exactly what Sangah replies. Because it’s funny, and he’ll never see it anyway.

A few weeks later, though, after the tour ends and a few Fan Meets are announced, Spectrum releases a song composed by Wonho, with Kihyun singing along and Jooheon rapping. It goes on Spotify under the author ‘3Chain’ and is called _ From Zero _.

It’s… cute. Nothing like the usual rock. Hopeful, but kind of sad. Sangha loves it to bits. And feels only mildly guilty for buying a crap-ton of the singles’ albums. _ For the photocards _.

She gets four Jooheons, two Wonhos and three Kihyuns. One of Wonho and Kihyun together which--oh man, did the internet lose their shit over this ‘Kiho’ ship. Sangah tried to read one fanfiction because everyone seemed to like it, but… eh. _ Eh. _ Nothing wrong with it but… _ Eh_. Not her thing.

It's as she tears the plastic from the last album--she’s gonna have to do a giveaway on Twitter or some shit--that a golden card falls out of the album.

“The fuck,” is the first reaction. “Oh, fuck! Hyungwon!” Sangah screeches, quickly standing up to go bother her friend on the couch, waving the card in his face. “Look! Look at it!” 

Hyungwon looks up from his phone. “Wha--” His eyes widen. “Wow! For real?!” He sits up.

“Yes!” Sangha squeals and flails around, holding the card close to her chest. “Oh my god!” She stops flailing to look at the card, really properly look at it. There’s a number she needs to use for a sign up somewhere, but it says it right there: ‘TICKET FOR SPECTRAL; FAN SIGN’.

“I need to get him a present,” Sangha blinks, smacking at Hyungwon’s arm. “What do I get him!?”

“Wow, well,” Hyungwon snorts a laugh, “You probably know him better than I do.”

“Yes…” Sangah squints. “Ramen… Oooh! I need to go--” Sangah scrambles up. “Get something to wear and--and write a letter? People do that, right? Nah, I’m not gonna write a letter,” Sangah puffs, looks at the card again. “It’s so shiny,” Sangah cackles and bounces up and down.

“Hm,” Hyungwon squints a little, “Well, the amount of time you’ll be able to be with each of the members is like… Two minutes? I don’t know. So, yes. Do write a letter. There’s a bunch of stuff you won’t be able to tell them. _ Him, _ we both know who you want to talk to the most,” Hyungwon scoffs.

Sangah sticks out her tongue. “I’m not a solo stan, I just--I just--_ Kihyun, okay_.” Sangah holds the card close again and pouts. “A letter… Yeah, maybe.”

It’s hard. It’s really hard. Because no matter how personal she gets, it’s too personal, and no matter how impersonal she keeps it, it feels… weird. It’s a very one-sided sort of relationship, this fan thing. As much as idols love to praise their fans, it’s as a collective. They care, yes, but Sangah is just another fan among thousands, millions. 

Still, she writes a letter, nonetheless.

She writes it the day she gets the photocard, and doesn’t read it again until the day of the fansign. It’s… cheesy. And terrible. But it’s how she feels and if Kihyun wants to read it, he can. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t have to.

At least she knows she brought the _ perfect _presents.

It’s quite the lengthy, laborious situation. And it’s disheartening when Sangah watches how quickly the girls file through the line. It looks like they barely sit down before they have to move on again. They all brought gifs, as well, much bigger than Sangah’s… But these people bought these tickets. They have money. Sangah? Eh, not really. She may even have dipped into her savings for Kihyun’s gift. Still, that’s okay; she’ll earn it again, while the chances of seeing him again aren’t as high.

_And what is time when you hold your heart in your hands..._

It’s her turn, and the line starts with Jooheon.

A few more months on estrogen have passed and there’s really no big difference, yet. Just annoying little things that will pass and give way to bigger things. Again, the voice won’t change, but Sangah has been practicing as much as she can. YouTube videos on how to naturally sound more feminine. Not that that’s entirely the problem, she knows she does and is, so it doesn’t matter, but… Still. It helps. 

“Hello,” Sangah greets cheerfully as she sits down.

Jooheon smiles, cheeks dimpling, “Hello!”

She’s _ ready_. So, she quickly opens the album to Jooheon’s pictures (she has little bookmarks poking out, for efficiency) and scooches it over as she says, “I brought your cats something,” then starts rummaging in her backpack.

“Oh?” Jooheon smiles, curiously, takes the album but stares all smiley for a moment (which, not gonna lie, makes Sangah blush quite a bit) before looking down and writing something.

“Yes, well, I figured you’d been getting quite a lot of stuff already today, so...” Sangah says cheerfully, brings out two little bee toys and puts them on the table. “There. Two mini Jooheons for the kitties. For when they miss you.”

“Oh, no…” Jooheon says, staring at the bee toys. He grabs them and cups them together in his hands. “They’re so cute!” He looks up, tilts his head and smiles, cheeks dimpling. “Thank you so much!”

Sangah beams. “You’re welcome! I’m glad you like them.”

Jooheon puts the toys aside and a staff member takes them and adds them to the pile. He turns around to mumble, though, “Nah, put them over there, yes. They’re for the cats.” When he turns to Sangah again he smiles and looks down, writes something else and asks, “What’s your name?”

“Sangah,” she answers, trying to lean over to see what Jooheon’s writing before plopping back down with a wide smile. “I really liked that you were rapping in_ From Zero_. You’re really good. Are you gonna rap more often?”

Jooheon signs the album and puts it aside, “Hm, should I? Do you like it?”

Sangah brings her voice down to a loud whisper. “I love it. It fuels me.”

Jooheon laughs. “Aish, I’m glad. Maybe I’ll do something,” he nods, shrugs one shoulder, “Maybe I’m doing something. Who knows, right?”

Sangah pouts playfully. “You do.”

“Do you think Spectral would like a mixtape?” Jooheon asks, bounces slightly where he sits.

Sangah gapes. “Yes! I’m a Spectral and I most certainly would! Are you thinking about making one?” Sangah leans in, eyes all wide with excitement. “You can tell me, if you want, I won’t tell a soul.”

Jooheon grins and shrugs one shoulder and then the other. “Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I will. Maybe I already have?”

Sangah laughs. “Aish, you’re terrible. But just know,” Sangah narrows her eyes. “That if you did… I will love it. And you can’t stop me.”

“Wouldn’t even try to,” Jooheon says, leans back for a moment and then forward again. “What do you think of the new album?”

“It’s different, but it’s really good. I never know what to expect but I’m never disappointed.”

Jooheon nods, “Hmhm. What would you like to see from us? Like, something softer? Or back to the roots?”

“Mmm… You guys always did rock, right? Maybe… a ballad? Rock ballads are beautiful.”

“Ooooooh!” Jooheon’s eyes go a little wide and it makes Sangah smile a little wider. “That’s nice, that’s nice. Will keep it in mind! Thank you, Sangah.” As he says that, the girl on the next chair moves on and Wonho tugs slightly at the Sangah's album.

“Bye bye,” Sangah says as she gets up and moves on to Wonho, immediately having to go, “Hello!” again. She points to the album. “There’s a bookmark with your name on it.”

Wonho flips through the album and finds his page. He looks up and smiles. “Hello,” he says--by the corner of her eye, Sangah sees Kihyun lean back, microphone in hand as he wiggles it a bit. He nods when the girl in front of him tells him something and then glances at Wonho, shoves the head of the microphone in his face, against his cheek. Wonho doesn’t seem bothered by it, though, keeps scribbling a little message on the album.

“Hey, uhm,” Sangah goes, suddenly all shy again. “Could you write a small message for my friend, Hyungwon? He was that fanboy you met ages back, dunno if you remember…”

Wonho looks up, mouth in a small ‘o’, and blinks. “Eeeeeh… Oh!” He perks up and nods, smiles. “The pretty, tall one, right?” He says, hand holding the pen coming up to measure over his heart.

Wonho just called Hyungwon 'pretty'. Hyungwon will never believe her. 

Sangah nods with a smile, though. “Yep. I’m afraid you’ve made it impossible for me to find him a date.”

“He doesn’t need a date, he can date us--”

“Shhhhh,” Kihyun says, shoving both hands at Wonho but smiling nonetheless. He hits Wonho’s shoulder and then turn to the girl in front of him again, biting both lips in as he nods.

“Fanboys deserve love, too,” Wonho whines, fist slamming softly over the table as he stares all butt-hurt at Kihyun, who just ignores him, and Sangah laughs behind her hand.

“Yes,” Sangah nods. “Yes, they do. But I’ll make sure to relay him the message. Oh, and--!” Sangah exclaims, realizes she hadn’t given him his present yet and starts rummaging.

Wonho steals one of Kihyun’s blank post-its and slams it over the page, quickly scribbles something. The girl in front of Kihyun leans over the table to put a flower crown over his head.

It’s… really cute. Sangah hopes a fansite captures that.

Meanwhile, Sangah puts a carefully wrapped bowl on the table. “It’s for all your ramen,” Sangah says. It’s really, really cute, though; it looks like a bunny.

Wonho gapes and quickly unwraps the bowl to take a peek. “Oh! I can dump all five cups in here!”

“Knew I should have gotten this big one,” Sangah clings her tongue playfully, smiling at Wonho’s expression.

A staff member quickly comes to take the bowl away and Wonho finishes writing his message for Hyungwon. He turns the album around when he’s done.

“Is this good?” he asks.

It reads;

Sangha pouts. “It’s perfect, thank you…”

“No,” Wonho shakes his head, smiles, “Thank _ you.” _

Sangah laughs softly. “How very Wonho of you,” she teases. “Softie.”

“I’m secretly stuffed with marshmallows,” Wonho jokes as he passes the album to Kihyun, who takes it without glancing at it. _ That’s some practice. _

“That’s hardly a secret,” she teases again, bowing her head. “Work hard, but just enough, not too much,” she says, and, heart a little loud, moves on as the girl next to her does, too. 

_ Kihyun_. _ Whelp_.

“Hello,” Sangah smiles, already starts fumbling around in her bag for the letter, for his present.

“Hello, raccoon,” Kihyun says, eyes down as he opens the album on the respective page.

Sangah flushes a little, smiling to herself--_he remembers me?!_\--as she, _and this is truly hilarious if you think about it,_ puts a Red Bull down in front of Kihyun. “Voila.”

Kihyun glances up from the album and the corners of his lips tip upwards a little. He moves his eyes further up to look at Sangah. When he leans back, Kihyun looks around for a moment and then trains his eyes on the staff member as he quickly opens the Red Bull and dumps it inside his already empty coffee cup.

“No one saw that,” he says, slowly putting the Red Bull down on the floor.

Sangah laughs, bringing out the other presents but carefully, keeping them on her lap. “Are you not _ allowed _to drink sugary battery acid?”

Kihyun nods, looks down at the album and starts writing something. “Yep, that’s exactly it. It’s very explicit on my contract; _ don’t drink sugary battery acid. _ Which I don’t get? I’ve got a great engine. Coupled with a good battery that clearly needs a refill once in a while.”

“Ah, I see,” Sangha nods, despite the nerves, the pink cheeks. “Good thing you’ve got your own personal raccoon mechanic.”

Kihyun smiles a little as he signs under his message. “Yep. What would I do without you, right?” He looks up and smiles. “How are you?”

It huuuuurts! The smile. It _huuuuurts._

“I’m okay,” Sangah smiles, scooting a little closer and putting the letter and the gift on the table. It’s… a really expensive hoodie. Mostly because it’s 5 Seconds of Summer merch, which Sangah knows Kihyun loves. “I got you this, too…”

Kihyun leans back a little to look at the hoodie and then the letter, which he quickly takes and hides under his butt--or that’s what it looks like. 

He’s gaping. _ Really _gaping. And then he looks up and smiles as he says, “Thank you so much! I love it!” He looks back down. “They can try to pry this from my cold dead hands.”

Sangah laughs, looking down for a moment. She’s so damn shy around him. “That’s what the battery acid is for. So you can run away with all my gifts.”

“Can I run away with you?” Kihyun asks teasingly.

_ Death. I welcome thee _.

Sangah flushes, playing with her own fingers on the table. “You’ll, er, have to wait up, then, I don’t run very fast…”

Kihyun glances up, “It’s okay, I can carry you,” he says before grabbing the hoodie and handing it over to the staff that passes by. They put it in the pile of things behind Kihyun.

“You can? Impressive,” Sangah smiles and brings her hand up for Kihyun to see; purple, but still with little stars and a crescent moon. “Nailed it.”

Kihyun blinks and the smiles, reaches over to take Sangah’s hand and tugs it closer to look at the nails. “Oh! You did!” He lowers his head and places Sangah’s hand over his hair. “We match.”

I_t’s so soft, oh god._

Sangah giggles and ruffles lightly at the hair, and when Kihyun looks up, fixes a stray strand. Her heart is going to explode, isn’t it? “There… Now you have nice hair, too.”

Kihyun smiles and his eyes turn soft. “Next time? Bring the ponytail. You have a pretty face, you don’t need to hide it.”

Sangah’s eyes go a little wide, and she can feel the red in her cheeks, the tip of her ears. “You’re too nice, you make me wanna believe you…”

Kihyun laughs a little and passes the album to the next member, laces his fingers together. “Ah, you should. I don’t lie.”

“Well, then,” Sangah clears her throat. “I await the destination of where to run to.”

Kihyun tongues at the corner of his lips and watches Sangah get up. Before she moves onto the next chair, though, Kihyun points at his own chest. “My heart,” he says, winks fast and then looks at the next girl, takes her album and smiles.

Sangah just scoffs and sits down.

_ Ridiculous. _

\---

Everything goes quiet once October comes. Spectrum’s tweets are just a few selcas here and there and nothing else. Which is fine. Because it’s around this time that Sangah gets a little busier.

The green trees become sepia toned. And the colours start to change until everything is a multitude of soft chocolatey browns with a few yellows shining through. 

Autumn. 

The breeze carries fine drops of rain here and there and a few leaves in the mix. It’s on a particular rainy day, a particularly sad rainy day, insecurities kicking in the moment Sangah opens her eyes and tears spill for no reason and yet all the reasons, that a notification saves her again.

It’s a tweet. From Spectrum. And Kihyun posted a link that reads, ‘Youngblood Cover’.

Sangah wipes her tears despite their perseverance and watches the cover under her duvet, and then again, and again. And again, and again.

“It’s just a coincidence,” Sangah mumbles, because it is. Kihyun loves 5 Seconds of Summer. Their most popular song at the moment is _ Youngblood _ . It doesn’t matter what hoodie Sangha gave him. But… for a split second there? It felt like it was _ for _ her. Like Kihyun somehow, cosmically, just fucking _ sensed _ that Sangah woke up sad, dysphoric, uncomfortable, anxious, just really fucking _ sad _, and sent this out into the world for Sangah to discover, for it to carry her through the day.

She doesn’t really tweet about it, doesn’t enthuse the way she feels she wants to, just retweets it with a simple ‘thank yoo’, and puts the phone down again to pull the duvet over her head.

Later that night, when she wakes up from a very long nap, Twitter is in shambles. Because, apparently, both Wonho and Kihyun were seen _ together _(shippers must be losing their shit) coming out of a parlour. A tattoo place.

Now Sangah wants a tattoo… Always has wanted one, but money... Maybe some other time. 

When she finally pulls herself out of bed, though, she decides to do things that’ll make her feel better. She washes her hair, shaves her legs, puts on the fluffiest, comfiest clothes she has, a facemask, and listens to that Youngblood cover again. Somehow, she thinks, everything is gonna be okay.

\---

Shownu invites Sangah to a party that he swears _ isn’t _a party. Just a get together where he’ll whip out the boardgames and the beer and just hang out. It’s the perfect kind of party for Sangah, really, and after walking out of a hair salon with blonde hair, she feels confident as well. Admittedly, she’d been a little… scared, to let someone work with her hair, but it still feels just as soft and it even looks all shiny with whatever treatment they’d put on it. It’s nice.

The day after, the day of the party, she puts it up in a ponytail, smiles when she remembers what Kihyun had said. She puts on a big, comfy red sweater (turtle neck, obviously) and matches the colour with her lips, finds a black skirt that cinches in at her waist to try and create curves she doesn’t have and puts on perfume. It's her best look so far. And the best part about Shownu’s place? It’s in walking distance. So she can totally wear her new shoes.

She leaves while it’s still light out; it’s safer that way. And she knows Shownu will give her a ride back if she asks. She knows practically everyone that will be at Shownu’s tonight. They’re Shownu’s friends, two girls who barely speak to her but have always been nice and polite and two guys (of which Sangah has only met one). So, it’s comfortable.

Sangah stops by the shop for some snacks and some drinks (it’s only polite) before she’s up the elevator and knocking at Shownu’s door. “Open up, Papa Bear!” she says. She doesn’t have to wait long.

The door opens and Shownu smiles with his eyes more than his mouth, nods (or bows, she can never tell) as he says, “Sangah, hello, hello!”

“I brought stuff,” she says, smiling wide and shoving it into his arms. “You’re welcome.”

“Oh,” Shownu peeks into the bag and then steps aside for Sangah to walk in. “Thank you. The other girls are already here,” he says, glances down the corridor at the living room. “Just the boys left.”

“Tsk, of course the boys would be late,” Sangah rolls her eyes playfully and walks down the short corridor and peeking into the living room. She recognises Luda immediately, with her ever-short hair, just above her shoulders, bouncing a little as she talks animatedly to Dawon, who nods with wide eyes and puffed cheeks, giving Luda a “Fascinating…” and a “Go on…” just before Sangah can interrupt them.

“How did Shownu manage to befriend such pretty girls again?” Sangah teases, tilting her head as she leans on the wall, smiling wide. 

Luda looks over and throws both her arms up. “Sangaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

Sangah giggles and walks forward, plopping into the far smaller girls arms. “Shh, I’m on a mission to crush.”

“Your hair looks so pretty!” Luda gasps, reaches over to touch it. “And soft! When did you dye it?”

“Yesterday,” Sangah answers, swishing her pony a little. “It came out so nice, I was really worried all my hair would fall out from the bleach or something.”

Luda giggles. “Ah, look at mine!” she says, shakes her head to make her platinum hair bounce. “Still in one place. Besides, you’ve always had thick hair. And strong, too. Makes me so jealous,” Luda pouts.

Sangah narrows her eyes playfully. “The way I’m jealous of this--” Sangah giggles and pokes Luda’s thin waist. “And this--” she adds, poking her little button nose. 

Luda pouts even more, “Do you think that if we rub our noses we’ll swap?”

“And,” Dawon giggles, “If you rub your waists?”

“I’m not here to rub body parts,” Sangah laughs. “Aish, and they say boys think dirty all the time.”

Luda makes a face, “I wasn’t!” She points at Dawon, “She was!”

Sangah holds up a hand and Dawon gives her a high five. “Nice. So!” Sangah squishes herself in between the girls, ignores the small pang of insecurity when she glances down at their legs and just pulls the skirt a little more down. “Any idea what Shownu’s got in store for us tonight? He was being very vague so I’m _ concerned _. Last time he was this vague, we did karaoke.”

“Well,” Dawon leans forward, elbows on her knees, face between her hands. “It was supposed to be just us, like the usual? But Mark had a friend over so now there’s an extra.”

“I heard,” Sangah pouts, slipping down the couch a little more to put her head against Luda’s shoulder. “I hope he’s nice… Not in the mood to punch anyone tonight.”

Luda reaches for Sangah’s hand. “And break these beautiful nails? Nah-ah. Oh!” Luda thumbs at Sangah’s middle finger, over her nail. “A fox! So cute!”

“It was haaaard,” Sangah whines. “It looks so cute but my _ labour, _Luda. Is it worth it?” Sangah sighs dramatically.

“I love them!” Luda whines, shows Sangah her nails. “Mine are just pink... Now I want something cute like this as well.”

“Then just ask me, silly,” Sangah sticks out her tongue. “I could do… flowers? Little pandas? Anything you want.”

Luda pouts. “But we barely see each other…” She bumps her head against Sangah’s, “Last time I saw you waaaas… New Year’s Eve?”

“It’s because I’m a terrible homebody,” Sangah admits. “I love my bed, you’ll have to be really persuasive to get me out of it.”

“Or into it,” Dawon teases and Sangah laughs, smacking.

“Shush, I’m perfectly happy hugging a pillow to sleep.”

Shownu walks into the living room with three bowls filled with chips and crackers. “Honey Butter Chips for Sangah,” he says as he places the first bowl down (and Sangah just immediately reaches for it with a low little, “_ Miiiine _.”) “Regular chips,” Shownu adds, putting another bowl down, “And crackers.”

“Now come on, spills,” Dawon says, reaching for a cracker. “Who’s the new guy?

“Is he cute?” Luda teases, waggling her eyebrows.

“Ah,” Shownu blinks, reaches back to scratch at the back of his neck. “He’s Mark’s friend? I forgot--” Shownu reaches into his pocket and brings out his phone. He taps at it and then squints. “Er, Ki. That’s all he said.”

“Erki,” Luda says, looks to Dawon. “What an odd name.”

“Your name is Luda.”

“Touche…"

Ki, though? Funny. Then again, there are a bunch of Korean names with ‘Ki’ in it, so… “As long as he doesn’t touch my Honey Butter chips,” Sangah says, holding the bowl close. “Or think I’m wearing a wig.”

“What?!” Luda gasps. “Whomst?!”

“Eh, some girl at the Spectrum concert, no biggie.”

“It’d be a quality wig, though,” Dawon adds, munching. “Nobody’s got money for that shit.”

“Ah, that’s what happened, she wanted to run away with my hair…” Sangah nods slowly.

“Mood,” Luda scoffs and kicks at Shownu’s leg. “So, Monopoly?”

Shownu nods. “Or Just Dance,” he adds before looking over his shoulder and then back to the girls. “What will you be drinking?” 

“Lots,” Dawon says.

“Do you haaaaaave wine?” Luda asks, smiling, batting her eyelashes.

“I want beer,” Sangah says with a mouthful of chips.

Shownu blinks. “Can’t you all just decide on one thing,” he sighs but smiles as he starts to turn around.

“We all just wanna be loved, Shownu,” Dawon sighs playfully.

“No, I said ‘beer’,” Sangah scoffs.

“I’ll see if I have some ‘love’ left over in the fridge for you, Dawon,” Shownu scoffs as he walks out.

Dawon winks at him before cackling, standing up to go rummage through Shownu’s things. “When will the man buy new board games… Ooh!” She turns around. “We should get him some! For his birthday, or Christmas, whichever one is next.”

Luda beams. “Sounds good! That’s--” her eyes narrow. “Only in a year, though. Damn,” she snaps her fingers. “We missed the chance!”

“You don’t--” Sangah swallows, wipes at her lips. “Have’ta wait, though.”

“We do Christmas!” Luda says as she nods and reaches forward for a cracker.

Sangah nods and looks around. “How late are these boys gonna be--”

The doorbell rings. As if god was just waiting for her to ask.

“I want a million dollars!” Dawon calls out. And pauses. “Dammit, nothing.”

“Can someone open the door for me?” Shownu calls from the kitchen, “I’m trying to balance everything in my arms.”

“Big arms,” Luda nods very seriously.

“I got it,” Sangah scoffs and gets up. Might as well get the ‘new people looking at her weird’ part over with. It’s kind of funny when she passes the kitchen and sees Shownu seemingly trying to wrestle a bottle of wine that actually, honest to god, has dust on it. 

Sangah clears her throat and smiles as she opens the door and--

Even without make-up, with casual, dark clothes (and a cardigan!), it’s obvious that Mark’s Ki is, well, _ the _Ki.

“Oh, ‘sup!” Mark says, palm up as he walks in.

Kihyun blinks, eyes on Sangah and then glances away to one side and then the other, like he’s trying to find a hole to hide in.

Sangah blinks and raises her hand just in time to give Mark his customary high five, laughs when he tugs her hand down. “Aish, don’t take advantage!”

Mark cackles and lets go, pats at Sangah’s ponytail. “You look like a golden retriever.”

Sangah narrows her eyes. “If that was supposed to be an insult, try again.” She turns back to the door and, yep, still Yoo Kihyun, standing right there. What the hell. “Uhm, sorry, come in,” she says, stepping aside with a small bow and a smile. “Just needed to fight off the American.”

Kihyun glances up at her and bows his head a little before walking in with a soft, “Excuse me…” and following after Mark--almost bumps into him when Mark stops to let Shownu out of the kitchen. And, again, Kihyun bows while Mark just goes with another trademark ‘Sup’.

Sangah frowns. For some reason, she’d thought he’d be more… confident. But she wouldn’t be the first one to accidentally mistake a public persona for who someone truly is. So, she just closes the door and wipes at her mouth again. For the crumbs. Just in case.

_ How to handle this… _

“Oh!” Luda exclaims the moment the boys enter the living room--Kihyun quickly hurrying to help Shownu carry everything. Again, Mark just grins and watches. _ Ugh. _ Some things never change.

Dawon squints at Kihyun, before her eyes light up in recognition. Just as she starts pointing and spluttering, Sangah hurries over. 

“Before you ask, yes it is,” Sangah says, smiling politely. The last thing she wants is her friend screaming up a storm. “Decided on a game yet?”

Luda tilts her head, “Hm… This one has pirates!” she says as he lifts a box and then looks at another box.

Kihyun and Shownu place the drinks over the table and Kihyun bows politely, smile small when the girls look at him.

Luda squints. “Don’t I know you from somewhere? You seem familiar.”

Kihyun blinks, “Uhm, no?” He smiles small again. “Nice to meet you, though,” he bows a little again.

It’ll dawn on Luda at some point and then? Then Sangah will laugh. For now, though, she makes peace with just… treating Kihyun the same way she’d treat any other guy that Mark was going to bring over. Including, protecting her Honey Butter chips.

“Ah, those are mine,” Sangah says, pouncing to grab the bowl and bring it closer to her chest, pouting at Kihyun. “Mine.”

Kihyun blinks again and looks down, smiling. He startles a little when Mark lets himself fall over the other couch and pats over the empty space next to him.

“Sit, sit, Kiki,” he says and then looks at the girls. “So, board games again?” He asks, moves a little aside when Kihyun sits down.

Dawon rolls her eyes, walking back over to her spot on the couch with another glance at Kihyun. “What else would you wanna do, mm?”

Shownu points at the Playstation, “There’s that.”

“Ah--” Mark makes a face. “No singing.”

“Shoot me for saying this, but,” Sangah says, cheek full of chips. “I agree with Mark.”

Shownu leans down and then plops on the floor, next to the coffee table. “There’s Just Dance as well. And hm…” He glances at the board games over Luda’s lap. “Pick anything yet?”

Luda pouts down at them. “They’re all so nice, I can't decide…”

Sangah squints over the small pile and laughs, reaches for the pack of--“Uno? Really? You own Uno?”

Shownu smiles and it barely reaches his eyes. “It’s how I select my friends.”

“More like how you lose them,” Mark scoffs and Kihyun smiles a little. 

“That’s Monopoly, too, though,” Sangah says, putting the bowl down and moving to her knees, scooting the coffee table to the middle of the room. “Not my fault you guys suck.”

Kihyun looks over blinks and then glances away, tongues at the corner of his lips while looking at how Luda just keeps going through the boxes. _ Mole. A lot of moles on Kihyun’s face. And freckles. And… staring. Gotta stop staring. _

“I’m taking an executive vote,” Dawon says, snatching a board game from Luda.

“Hey--!”

“You’re terrible at this,” Dawon laughs and just looks at the game in her hand. “Shownu… My dear… This is the Junior Version…”

Mark barks a laugh and crosses his arms, looks at Shownu. “Shownu, my _ deer.” _

Kihyun snorts and looks away at something else, bites both lips in.

“Hey, it’s fun! And inclusive!” Shownu says, trying to sound indignant but failing miserably. “Not everyone knows all the American presidents--”

“I--”

“Oh shut it, Mark,” Sangah scoffs and takes the board game from Dawon. “We’re playing this. It’ll be fun.”

“I’ve--” Kihyun starts and--_ honest to god-- _everyone’s eyes turn to him. He seems to be painfully aware of the fact because he looks between all of them and then down. “I’ve never played Monopoly.”

Mark blinks slowly and then gestures like he’s presenting a new Nespresso Machine, “A baby.”

“Do you want to?” Sangah asks, looking over.

Kihyun looks up and shrugs one shoulder. “I suppose I’ll learn.”

Sangah, for some goddamn reason, picks up a Honey Butter chip and chucks it over, hitting Kihyun on the chest. “That didn’t answer my question.”

Kihyun blinks, obviously surprised for a moment. “I… Don’t mind?” he says, looking between Sangah and the chip that fell over his lap.

Sangah whines and drapes herself over the empty coffee table, forehead to the surface, the 30 Seconds Junior board game falling from her lap. “Can someone just make a decision, I’m dying…”

“Let’s play Monopoly,” Mark says, leaning over to pick up the box. “Look at me, taking over, making decisions.”

“We’re all very proud,” Dawon scoffs.

“Can I be the dog?” Luda asks, bouncing a little on the couch.

“There’s a dog?” Kihyun asks, looking at her and blinking.

“Yeah, and you’re gonna have to fight me for it,” Sangah says, raising her head. It’s easier if she just… reminds herself, constantly, that Kihyun is just another person. “I’m always the dog.”

“But,” Kihyun leans a little forward, sits closer to the edge of the couch. “What’s the goal? And why is there a dog?”

“Can I be the bank?” Dawon asks.

“Sure,” Shownu says, starts spreading pillows around the coffee table.

Kihyun turns to Mark, frowning, and whispers. “There’s a bank, too?”

Sangah scoffs a laugh to herself, hand over her mouth as she glances at him and Dawon starts counting out the money. 

“You’ll see,” Mark whispers back unhelpfully, giving Kihyun a pat on the shoulder before moving to sit down by the coffee table. Kihyun just stares at him, looking completely lost.

“I know the rules,” Sangah says, glancing at Kihyun (shyly, dammit), who looks at her. “If you sit here, I can explain it as we go?”

“Oh,” he says. “Okay…” He gets up and moves between the others before sitting down between Sangah and Luda, who squints for a moment before her eyes widen.

“Ah!” Luda exclaims. “You’re Yoo Kihyun!”

Kihyun seems to tense up before he deflates, “Ah…” He glances at Luda. “No. That’s my twin brother. We get confused a lot.”

Sangah rolls her eyes with a smile and Luda looks confused for a moment before she laughs. “Nah, no way!”

“Ah, almost had you,” Kihyun snaps his fingers.

Luda taps at the side of her nose. “See, I know what you look like. You’re all over Sangah’s twitter.”

Kihyun turns his head to look at Sangah, “Icon and all?”

“No…” Sangah says, flushing red and staring down at the table. “My icon is a hamster with a little shark outfit…”

Kihyun smiles a little, tilting his head. “Cute,” he says before he looks at the table. “Now, please, tell me if there’s a house in this game. Because if so then that’s what I want to pick.”

“Oh,” Sangah blinks. “Thought we were gonna fist fight for the dog.”

“You can keep it,” he glances over and smiles a little playfully, “I’d obviously win.”

Sangah smiles to herself, putting the metal car playing piece in front of Kihyun. If he’s playful, maybe he’s feeling less… Whatever made him so shy. “I don’t know, I’ve got a mean right hook.”

Kihyun’s face goes a little serious and he glances over again. He turns a little, then, places his elbow over the coffee table, hand up in an obvious arm wrestle challenge. “Wanna try then?”

“Mark, your friend is challenging people to arm wrestling matches,” Dawon laughs and Kihyun just raises an eyebrow but keeps his eyes on Sangah.

“Alright,” Sangah says, turning a little. “Left hands, though,” Sangah smiles sweetly. “To even the challenge, right?”

“Oh, okay,” Kihyun says, quickly changing arms. “The winner takes the dog?”

“Deal,” Sangah says and, despite still thinking that she’s somehow stepped into one of her own fever dreams, she puts her elbow on the table and takes Kihyun’s hand. If she blushes, that’s her problem. “One, two, three--” she counts down and starts adding pressure, with literally no clue whether she’s going to win this or not. Despite her little left hand trick, considering it’s her dominant hand and knowing it certainly isn’t Kihyun’s.

At first, neither of them moves an inch. Sangah is pretty sure she’s trying, but Kihyun’s arm doesn’t even budge. She can’t feel any strength countering hers either. So she just relaxes her arm and lets Kihyun bring her hand down to the table.

“Fine! You win! Give him the dog,” Sangah grumbles, glancing at their hands before letting go.

“Aw, I love dogs,” Kihyun says softly as he turns to Mark who’s dumping the contents of the box over the table.

Luda leans back and stares at Sangah all wide eyed, mouth in a big ‘O’. Sangah blinks at her, shifts a little where she sits, ignores when her knee grazes Kihyun. “What…?”

“He’s so pretty,” Luda whispers to Sangah’s ear. “I’d never met an idol before…”

Sangah leans in to whisper to Luda’s ear. “He is. But shhh, just another stupid human, remember.”

Luda nods and then goes back to sit and, well, stare at Kihyun. It earns her an elbow from Dawon and they giggle between them. And if Kihyun hears them, if he notices them, he pretends he doesn’t. Sangah smiles over a little sympathetically. He probably gets this all the time

\---

“I would have _ won _,” Mark says, sounding a little petulant. “If you people followed the rules.”

“Not even sure how I won, to be honest,” Shownu mumbles, looking down at his riches.

And Sangah? Sangah has her cheek resting on her propped up hand and just giggles. These two have been at each other’s throats for this whole game, it was _ very _entertaining. She glances to Kihyun, then, who’s pouting a little at his money. Or, well, lack thereof.

“You weren’t so bad,” Sangah says, tries to sound reassuring.

“Don’t be nice to me,” Kihyun mumbles, pouting some more before sighing.

“I wasn’t,” Sangah scoffs. “I was gonna say ‘you weren’t so bad, you were actually quite terrible’.”

Kihyun snorts a small laugh and raises his fist up a little, “Yay, thank you.”

“So!” Luda says, leaning over the table to properly look at Kihyun and sending a few pieces tumbling all over. “What is someone like you doing in a place like this?”

Sangah just leans back against the couch behind her, crossing her arms. Luda is… really pretty. Who is Sangah to stand in the middle of that?

Kihyun laughs softly, pushes his hands back on the floor a little to hold himself up when he tilts back. “I forget you people think I live inside your smartphone and computers.”

“Do you?” Luda asks, eyes big.

Kihyun laughs again. “Sometimes.”

She giggles and tucks her hair behind her ear. “Silly. No wonder Sangah likes you so much.”

“_Anyway_,” Sangah interjects, glaring a little at Luda (playfully, of course, but still) before looking over at Kihyun. “How do you know Markus Wazowzki?”

Kihyun tilts his head back and looks at Sangah upside down. “We were friends when all I did was sing in the shower.”

“My, my,” Mark scoffs. “That wasn’t all that long ago, was it?”

Kihyun smiles softly at Sangah before raising his head again to look at Mark. “Nope. Not really, no. Time flies.”

“Next thing you know, your songs will be part of the ‘classics’,” Mark says, reaching over for a handful of chips and finishing up the bowl. Sangah reaches over to take it and stand up (ignores how Kihyun’s eyes move to her legs first before he looks up), stepping over Luda’s legs and having to walk the long way around the coffee table to the kitchen. _ No way I’m stepping over Yoo Kihyun, normal person or not _.

“Anyone want anything?” Sangah asks cheerfully.

“More beer,” Mark says, wiggles the empty bottle in his hand. “Ki also wants more bee--”

“No, I don’t,” Kihyun says.

Mark frowns and points at Kihyun, “Yes, you do. Holidays. Time to fatten up.”

Sangah rolls her eyes and hesitates at the doorway, looks at Kihyun. “I could use a hand, though?” _ Doesn’t have to sound so much like a question... _

Shownu makes to get up but Kihyun does so before him. Luda just stares at Kihyun while he blinks at her before turning to walk the other way and around everyone instead of stepping over her. Luda pouts and gets another elbow from Dawon.

Kihyun almost trips when he passes Mark, who purposely lifts his foot. But Kihyun kicks at him softly before walking closer and peeking at the corridor. “That’s the kitchen, right?” He asks, pointing at the door with the white light.

“Already forgotten?” Sangah teases and walks, pushing open said door and putting the bowl down on the counter. Yes, she’s nervous, she has every right to be. But the beer helps. Shownu’s fatherly aura helps. Mark’s obnoxiousness… helps, in a way, so do Dawon’s witty remarks. Luda, though… “I’m sorry about my friend,” Sangah says softly. “Not entirely, that would be… bad, just that she’s all starry eyed. I mean, it makes sense but, still.” _ Rambling…. Oh great. _“Anyway, yes, it’s nice to--” Sangah smiles over. “See you again.”

The face Kihyun makes is… a new one. One Sangah can’t quite place. It doesn’t look like a bad face, though. But it doesn’t look all that happy either. Something between hopeful and sad. Which is an odd face to see on Yoo Kihyun. After all, much like the overconfidence, all he shows is either happiness or looks that could cut through steel.

Quickly, though, Kihyun looks down a smiles a little. “Gave up on scavenging? Didn’t know people adopted raccoons, but it’s understandable.”

Sangah laughs, shaking her head as she starts opening cupboards to look for snacks. “I’m one of the lucky ones,” Sangah says, glancing over. _ What was that look _? “Understandable, though? I’m flattered.”

Kihyun looks up at the cupboard and gets a little closer. He glances at the fridge and moves there, opens it to bring out a few beers. “I’m used to it, by the way,” he says before closing the fridge. “It’s fine, though,” he places the beers over the counter and smiles small at Sangah. “It’s not really _ me _ who they like.”

“That’s what I’m apologizing for,” Sangah rolls her eyes. “That people can be all ‘waaah’ wide eyed, think you live in their phones and then manage to avoid having an actual conversation with you.”

“Aren’t you like that, too?” Kihyun asks, glancing down at the counter.

“Maybe,” Sangah says, shrugs her shoulders and finds a bag of chips. “Not intentionally, though. I mean--” Ah shit, the rambles. “I really like your prinestage persona and all that and it can be… kinda blinding?” Sangah laughs nervously, opening the bag. “But I like to think I’m trying to treat you like any of my friends. Not that we’re--Ugh, you know. Ignore me.”

Kihyun looks up and smiles a little. “I like the hair, by the way,” he says, looking at Sangah’s hair. “Barely recognized you at first.”

“Thanks,” Sangah smiles. “I’ve been trying the ponytail, since you said I shouldn’t--er, hide my face.”

Kihyun’s smile grows just a little bit wider. “Oh, I’m glad.” He grabs the beers and tilts his head towards the door. “Come on, raccoon,” he says, “They’ll think you kidnapped me or something.”

“Ah, let ‘em,” Sangah chuckles, gesturing for Kihyun to go first.

Kihyun glances at Sangah’s hands and his eyes soften a little before he turns around and walks out of the kitchen, bottles in hand. Sangah can hear Mark’s loud cheer over the beers.

Kihyun’s soft smiles are quickly turning into Sangah’s favourite thing. 

When they enter the living room, arm wrestling contests seem to be the new fad. “Oh, god, this is your fault,” Sangah laughs as Mark makes the funniest face, Shownu barely reacting

“Oh, well,” Kihyun blinks before walking to the coffee table and placing the beers down. “Children,” he says as he looks at Mark. “I wanna play, too. Hurry up and beat him, Shownu.”

“Alright,” Shownu says easily and just brings Mark’s hand down to the table. Mark looks so, so betrayed, it makes Sangah laugh so hard she has to put a hand to her mouth and put the bowl down so she can use the other, too.

Kihyun plops down, kind of sits over Mark's lap and then takes Shownu's wrist, shakes his arm, “Me now, do me now.”

Dawon scoffs. “Oh, _ lord _… do you hear yourself...”

Kihyun glances at her and blinks slowly, “Loud and clear, why?”

“No reason…” Dawon says cheerfully and Sangah just scoffs, plops down and watches Shownu take Kihyun’s hand and count down.

“Three, two, one--” 

This is... kind of hot. It’s bad to think, but it just _ is _. This is Yoo Kihyun and Sangah’s first little high school crush all up in arms, of course she’s going to enjoy it.

“Whoo, go Shownu!” Sangah cheers.

Kihyun makes a little noise, eyes scrunching shut when Shownu starts tipping their arms to win. Kihyun lowers his head--his ears are red--and keeps, obviously, doing his best. But, after a few seconds, he just groans and huffs out a breath, melting and letting Shownu finally push his arm down and win.

“Mmm, maybe I should tweet this,” Sangah says with a small smile as Shownu smiles with his eyes.

“Hey, you’re much better than Mark,” he says.

“Shownu,” Sangah sighs. “That applies to everyone in the room.”

“Hey!” Mark laughs and pushes Kihyun off of him, moves to fall down next to Sangah, poking her in the ribs which makes her giggle.

“Stop it--!” Sangah laughs and smacks at him as much as she can.

Kihyun lies his head on his arms and stares at them, smiling a little. It's one of those smiles again, a soft one. And it only vanishes when Shownu reaches over and brings a bottle of beer over Kihyun’s head before offering it to him. Kihyun glances at the beer and takes it, leaning back when Shownu offers to open it.

_ Weirdest interaction to witness. _ High school crush and idol crush.

Idol crush. Sangah frowns. That’s… True, in a way, but it’s also a little unfair, isn’t it? To the boy sitting in front of her, drinking a beer. 

“Let’s play something else,” she says, plopping down the couch and back onto one of the pillows on the floor.

“I have a game!” Mark says as he takes a beer.

“I’m not playing Truth and Dare with you again, Mark,” Dawon deadpans. “All you do is dare me to kiss you.”

Kihyun chokes on his beer and turns around to cough a little. Shownu watches, amused and then pats his back.

“It’s a fair dare,” Mark scoffs. “But nah, let’s play Never Have I Ever!”

“Good thing we just got beer,” Sangah scoffs. “For you, obviously, I’ve never done a thing in my life.”

Mark glances over, “Never have I ever read fanfiction?”

“That was once!” Sangah defends, flushing red. “And I didn’t even finish it!”

Mark grins as Sangah takes a sip, refusing to look at Kihyun. _ I don’t even ship Kiho, ugh... _ “Challenge accepted!” Mark says. “Never have I ever wore a skirt!”

“That is a bold ass fuckin’ _ lie_,” Dawon cackles.

“Shush!” Mark slaps his hand over her mouth and stares at Sangah.

Sangah rolls her eyes and takes a sip. “Literally wearing one right now, asshat,” Sangah grumbles. “Never have I ever kissed a girl.”

Shownu and Mark drink. Kihyun stares at the bottle and then drinks. Luda drinks, too, and then blushes when everyone looks at her.

“It was a dare,” she says softly.

“I’m proud,” Sangah laughs and Mark really thinks he’s got the upper hand when he says;

“Never have I ever kissed a boy.”

Sangah stares right at him and doesn’t drink. _ Take that, motherfucker. _

Shownu, Dawon and Luda drink, though. And then, after a long pause, so does Kihyun.

Everyone looks at him. 

Sangah blinks. “It was fan service or…?”

“Fan service gone wrong…” Kihyun says and then shivers. “Ugh.”

Sangah can’t help the snort of a laugh she gives. “Oh--Oh god, I remember--the paper challenge, it was Jooheon!”

“His girlfriend was _ happy _ about it,” Kihyun mumbles to his bottle, frowning. “But then refused to kiss him for a week.” He frowns some more. “That makes no sense whatsoever…”

Sangah giggles, flapping around. “Hyung--Hyungwon didn’t wanna hold your hand,” Sangah wheezes. _ Why is this so funny _.

Kihyun glances at Sangah and pouts a little. “That hurt.”

“Ah, I’m sorry,” Sangah laughs, reaching out to ruffle Kihyun’s hair for a second. _ Jesus, what’s in this beer._

“Oooh!” Luda goes. “Never have I ever held hands with an idol!”

“_Targetted_,” Sangah laughs as she takes a sip.

Kihyun drinks and so do Shownu and Mark.

“It was the arm wrestle, wasn’t it?” Kihyun asks.

“Yep,” Shownu nods.

“Dammit, I forgot about that,” Luda mumbles.

“While we’re on this vein,” Dawon scoffs. “Never have I ever--” She quirks her eyebrows suggestively. “_Y’know_.”

Sangah melts into herself a little without taking a sip.

“Wait, aren’t you only allowed to make never have I evers about things you’ve never done?” Mark asks, glaring over.

“What makes you think I’ve had sex?” Dawon asks, all offended and Kihyun chokes on his beer again. And, _ again, _ Shownu pats his back.

Mark makes a face. “Er, I was _ there _\--”

“Ohohokay,” Shownu says. “Question ignored, even more raised, let’s move on.”

Luda places both elbows over the coffee table and cups her face. “Never have I ever had a girlfriend.”

Sangah looks up. Shownu drinks, Mark doesn’t.

“I’m free real estate, baby,” Mark says and Sangah makes a face.

“Say that again and I’m kicking you out of your own house,” Kihyun mumbles before drinking.

Sangah curls into herself as she laughs. “Never have I ever referred to myself as ‘free real estate.”

“Fuckin’ cheers to that,” Dawon says as she raises her drink for Mark to drink. The face he makes is… just, priceless.

_ Huh. So Kihyun’s had a girlfriend before. Good on him. _

“Never have I ever had a crush on anyone in this room,” Luda says, smiling near wickedly.

“Cruel,” Sangah grumbles and takes a sip. “Shownu was hot in high school, sue me.”

Dawon, as if trying to hide it, takes a small sip.

Shownu quirks an eyebrow. “Was?”

“There, there,” Kihyun scoffs, patting Shownu’s shoulder.

“Remember when you rejected me in senior year?” Sangah sighs, wistfully. “Good times.”

“You cried,” Shownu deadpans. “And then cried even more saying you weren’t crying.”

“Yes, thank you, Shownu,” Sangah grumbles and aims a chip at his face. “Not my fault you weren’t ga--” Sangah stops, clears her throat and looks down. “Interested. _ Anyway _…”

Luda reaches out to squeeze Sangah’s hand which is silly, because she’s just fine. 

“Never have I ever dropped my phone in the toilet,” Kihyun says and Mark cackles and drinks.

“Of course you did that,” Dawon scoffs. “Never have I ever been ass-out in public.”

“I didn’t know the pants were torn!” Mark whines. “This isn’t fair.”

“Pretty sure we all should drink to that,” Kihyun says. “We were born naked.”

“Shit,” Dawon puffs, shrugs, and takes a drink with the rest of them.

Luda props her elbows on the table again and cups her face. She blinks at Kihyun and then grins. “I’m curious now. So, never have I ever written a song about an ex!”

Sangah groans. “Luda--”

Kihyun glares at Luda and then drinks, just a sip, while maintaining eye contact.

“Interesting,” Luda says, sitting back and Sangah keeps glaring at her. “Was it _ Let It Go?” _ Luda asks.

“Pretty obvious,” Kihyun mumbles, looks down and raises an eyebrow.

“The song from Frozen?” Shownu asks, entirely serious, which just--Sangah cracks like the damn polar ice caps. _ What the fuck, Shownu. _

“Precisely,” Kihyun laughs, raises his beer to Shownu.

“Huh…” Shownu nods, absentmindedly taking a sip.

Sangah laughs some more. “Never have I ever forgotten we were playing a drinking game and just drank anyway." 

Kihyun snorts and drinks. And Shownu blinks, looks at his beer and takes another sip.

“Terrible, both of you,” Sangah says, moving her beer between the two of them. “Come on, Shownu, you’ve barely contributed.”

“Never have I ever been in love,” Shownu mumbles.

Kihyun raises an eyebrow and looks at him like asking ‘for real?’ and then sighs and drinks.

Sangah pouts after she takes her sip. “But you write such lovely love songs,” she says, kind of soft, low, leaning over a little.

Kihyun shrugs, brings his thumb and forefinger close together, “Was almost there. Didn’t quite reach.”

Sangah smiles soft and bumps Kihyun on the shoulder with her forehead. “I hope it comes closer, then.”

Kihyun blinks at her, actually looking a little surprised. He smiles small. “Thanks…”

Sangah smiles back and pats his arm at the same place, as if to apologize for putting her head there. “Maybe I don’t treat you like a friend. Definitely don’t want Mark to find love.”

“Hey!”

“You might procreate, Mark. Nobody can risk it.”

Kihyun cackles a little and then brings his body forward, forehead leaning against the table. “Little--Little baby Marks everywhere.”

“Their first words are ‘free real estate’,” Sangah scoffs behind her hand. Mark looks so hurt, it’s so funny.

“Why am I the butt of all these jokes?”

“Ehehe,” Dawon laughs and leans over to poke at Mark’s butt. “Butt.”

Mark grumbles to himself. “This is so unfair. If I poke your butt you slap my face!”

“Yeah, but you like it,” Dawon scoffs and Sangah chokes on her beer.

Kihyun snorts a laugh and moves his head, chin resting over the table. “Ohoh, didn’t know you were into that, Mark…”

“And what would you be into, huh?” Mark grumbles.

Kihyun winks, “Whatever you want, baby."

Sangah keeps choking._ Ah shit, this is how I die. _

Luda waves at Kihyun, “Can you, like, look at me while you say that? So I can just take it with me to the grave.”

“No,” Kihyun says, straightens up. “Sorry,” he laughs. “I can’t do that twice in a row. I have slots of those.”

“I need water,” Sangah gasps and gets up, coughing and feels herself trip, feels herself think ‘_what K-drama is this’_, as her tipsy ass falls right onto Kihyun. 

Kihyun, suddenly leaning back, eyes a little wide. He smiles softly, though, and asks, “You okay?”

Sangah nods quickly, knows how red she is as she tries to stand up again but the angle is awkward so she just… falls in a different way. “Oh god--” she scoffs.

“It’s fine,” Kihyun snorts, holds his hand out, “Come on, I’ll help you.”

“Wah,” Luda gasps. “I wish that were me.”

“I am going to _ kill _ you later,” Sangah grumbles as she takes Kihyun’s hand. _ What is life_.

Kihyun pulls and then pushes as Sangah stands up. “There you go.”

“Thanks,” Sangah says and--fuck it--squeezes Kihyun’s hand before she lets go. “Don’t--” She turns to the room, points to her eyes and back at them. “Break down the living room while I get water for y’all drunken asses.”

“Don’t get looooost,” Luda says. “Treacherous waters, these be.”

“Still gonna kill you later,” Sangah says, glancing at Kihyun again before leaving for the kitchen.

_ Shit, what a night. _

\---

Everyone’ is a little drunk. Everyone except for Kihyun and Sangah. Kihyun, she assumes, as to not tarnish his reputation or something. Sangah will have to make sure Luda doesn’t go tweeting about this in any case, but she shouldn’t, despite her fangirling. Luda knows right and wrong and that would just be… Blegh, wrong. Sangah is sober because she’s slowly starting to realize she’s gonna have to walk home. Between the games and Yoo Kihyun being here, Sangah forgot to ask Shownu if he could take her (aka not drink too much). She just… forgot. Her fault, so she’ll just have to deal with it.

Everyone is still chilling, draped on the furniture in Shownu’s living room as Mark regales the story of a girl he’d met in a club in Canada. Fascinating stuff, really.

“We fell--” he says, leaning forward like it’s an important part of this story. “Into a rose bush while we were making out.”

“Ouch,” Kihyun says, frowns.

“Why is this a story you want to tell?” Sangah scoffs, munching on the dredges of the Honey Butter chips in her bowl. “Are you proud of this bush shenanigans?”

“She was really hot, okay, I couldn’t care less about the bush.”

“You should, Mark,” Dawon sighs. “You should care about the bush.”

“No, this is 2019,” Shownu frowns. “Let the bushes be.” He pauses. “What are we talking about.”

Kihyun sighs and huffs a laugh as he facepalms. “Oh boy…”

Luda glances at Kihyun. “Do you shave, idol?”

Kihyun glances up, “Not really, fan.”

“How do you just--” Sangah sighs, a little. “Ask a human being these kinds of questions to their face, what--”

Mark frowns. “It’s a lie. I’ve seen his armpits.”

Kihyun raises an eyebrow. “Thought we were talking about bushes…?”

Sangah’s brain short circuits for a second. 

“Makes sense,” Luda says, shrugging. “Only need to shave the things people see.”

Dawon scoffs. “Ouch..? Was that a burn? I can’t tell.”

Kihyun huffs a laugh and reaches over to fist bump with Luda who just beams once she realizes what’s happening. “Good one,” Kihyun says.

“Not even idols can get laid,” Mark sighs. “Such a sad world.”

“Thought you were doing it in the bushes, Mark,” Dawon scoffs.

“That was literally a whole year ago.”

Kihyun rolls his eyes, “Yeah, yeah, just finish the damn story so we can go.”

“Oh, right, so this French guy just shows up, starts bragging about his Peugeot--like who brags about a Peugeot? Honestly--and she just. Leaves me there! In the bush!” 

“That’s cruel,” Shownu adds helpfully.

Kihyun nods, “True.”

“I, for the life of me, cannot figure out why you wanted us to know this,” Sangah says, eyes a little squinted as if in confusion.

Kihyun glances at Sangah and whispers, “Because boys like to brag about how badly they’ve been treated in the past so the girl they like will pat their head.” He peeks at Dawon, “Doesn’t seem to be working out for him, though.”

Both Mark and Dawon turn into tomatoes.

“I don’t--” 

“He doesn’t like me--” 

“We’re just--” 

“He’s an_ idiot-- _”

Sangah laughs. “You’re both idiots,” she says and glances at Kihyun. “Glad I’m not the only one around here that isn’t _ blind _…”

“Oh, no,” Kihyun looks down at his lap and laughs. “I’m wearing contacts so I see just fine.”

“Ah, same,” Sangah says, tapping the side of her nose. “Think they make contacts for oblivious people, though? To _ see _the obvious?”

Kihyun smiles and starts poking at the bit of skin on his knees through the ripped black jeans. “Not sure. Should ask an expert.” He glances at Mark. “Are you done telling your story?”

“Yes,” Mark grumbles, looking entirely dissatisfied with his life. Shownu pats his head, though.

“There, there.”

“Why, do you have a story?” Mark asks.

“No,” Kihyun laughs and taps over his covered wrist. “But I am getting sleepy.”

“Oh, right,” Mark says, clears his throat. “Home. Yeah, Shownu, it’s late we should probably leave you to it.”

Sangah nibbles at her bottom lip, already pulling her arms closer around herself at the prospect of walking home in the dark. _ Great_.

“Do you girls have someone to pick you up?” Kihyun asks as he stands up, looks at Dawon and Luda and then Sangah.

Luda and Dawon get up and Dawon speaks. “We live in the building, so, no worries.”

Kihyun nods, looks at Sangah again and smiles small. “And you?”

Sangah flushes a little, getting up and pulling down her skirt a little. “I, er, I’m just gonna walk…”

Kihyun blinks. “Is it far?”

“Ah, shit, Sang,” Shownu says, looks immediately guilty. “I forgot--”

“It’s okay,” Sangah smiles and waves him off, glancing at Kihyun. “It’s okay, really, I’ll walk fast.”

Kihyun blinks again and glances at Sangah’s hands on her skirt before turning around and looking at Mark. “I’m taking her home. Will you wait here or are you coming along?”

“I think I’m--” Mark makes to get up, squints as he falls back. “Waiting… Wanna borrow the car?”

_ Wait, what’s happening right now _.

“What if I crash it?” Kihyun asks seriously.

“Don’t die and buy me a new one, obviously.”

Kihyun scoffs, “It’s okay, I’ll walk.” He looks at Sangah. “Let’s go, then?”

Right. Okay. _ Right _. “Yeah, uhm,” Sangah nods and walks over to Luda and Dawon to give them both tight hugs and say goodbye. “Don’t be strangers. I’ll do your nails some time, okay?” 

“I’ll call you,” Luda giggles and leans into Dawon, who keeps her steady and gives Sangah a little wave goodbye as she walks out of the living room. With Kihyun. Who is--apparently--taking her home. What the actual fuck.

_ Just another guy, just another guy-- _

But even so, a really, really pretty guy. Sangah is barely used to ugly guys. Nevermind pretty ones.

When they step outside, the light breeze touches the leaves and makes them rustle. It sounds like rain, or a really big waterfall. It _ smells _ like autumn. Soft, calming and peaceful but clearly brewing a storm.

“It feels like it’s gonna rain,” Sangah notes idly, starts walking.

Kihyun follows, catching up to walk by her side. “It does smell like it, doesn’t it?” He looks up at the dark clouds in the night sky. “A bit saturated…”

Sangah smiles softly over at him. “I see we’ve worked ourselves up to talking about the weather. You know, like real people do.”

Kihyun smiles a little and glances over. “So… I won’t be seeing you at concerts and Fan Meets anymore?”

“I, uhm, won that one,” Sangah winces. “I can’t really afford it…”

“Ah,” Kihyun looks away. “Sorry to hear that.”

“You are? But… Well, you see so many people… People like Luda,” Sangah scoffs softly despite herself.

“True,” Kihyun says. “That I do…” He sighs. “Sorry about this, by the way. It wasn’t my intention to shatter the idol view,” he scoffs.

Sangah scoffs, too. “What? Don’t be silly. Didn’t you want to be seen as a person and not an idol? I got that vibe, at least.”

Kihyun squints and smiles playfully at nothing, “Hm, it’s… complicated. You see… There’s a line. And it’s a _ really _ thin line,” he points at the sidewalk. “On one side, my professional life. Which, in a way, is a way to live. On the other, my personal life that I should keep hidden for the sake of my professional life. The problem is that most people can’t tell them apart. People I want to treat me like a normal person will treat me like an idol. People that should treat me like an idol, will speak to me like they’ve known me all their lives…”

“Ah,” Sangah says softly, crossing her arms over her sweater, feeling at the fabric with her fingers. “Which one of those am I?”

Kihyun glances over and smiles a little. “Which one would you prefer?”

“I wouldn’t talk to you like I’ve known you if I don’t know you,” Sangah shrugs, looking down at her feet as she walks. “It’s a thin line for me, too… Because I don’t really want to be either of those people. And, if it means anything to you, I don’t like being labeled more than a ‘fan’ as much as you must appreciate being labeled an ‘idol’. Nothing’s ever that dichotomous, or simple, not really…” 

“Then,” Kihyun says, stops walking and sighs loudly. “Will you…” He pauses. “Will you give me your number?”

Sangah’s heart does an impressive job of pole-vaulting into her throat. She stops, turns around to look at Kihyun with eyes a little wide, face entirely red. “What, really?” 

“Er…” Kihyun blinks, glances away and frowns a little before looking over again. 

“Sorry!” Sangah panics. “Please don’t change your mind, I was just--” She drops her hands. “Surprised, hah.”

Kihyun blinks and goes, “Pffft,” face turning all bright in a second. _ “Please don’t change your mind… _ Really?” He laughs.

Sangah flushes even redder, using her sleeve to smack at Kihyun. “Shut--Shut up, oh my god,” she smacks again and giggles. “Er, yeah, sure.” _ Not like anyone’s ever asked me before... _

“Then,” Kihyun reaches into the pocket of his jeans and brings out his phone, unlocks it and hands it over. “If you don’t mind…”

Sangah walks closer and takes Kihyun’s phone, blushing too much to look at him as she puts her number into Kihyun’s phone and hands it back. “Saved it under ‘Racoon’...”

“Noted,” Kihyun says, puts his phone away.

“Wanna, uhm,” Sangah giggles as she pulls her little satchel bag in front of her and takes out her phone. “See something really embarrassing?” 

Kihyun smiles small and then raises an eyebrow, “Sure. Why not?”

Sangah just hands her phone over. Between the little heart stickers on the back of it, on the case covering her favourite photocard, and the lockscreen of Purple Kihyun at concert, he’s got more than enough to enjoy. “Have fun.”

Kihyun looks at the lock screen and blinks, “Oh… This is a really good picture. I like it. I look so cool,” he laughs before turning the phone over and--“Aw…” he smiles.

“On second thought, give that back,” Sangah laughs, entirely red, and makes to snatch the phone back. Kihyun lets her, laughs a little, too.

“You wrote me a pretty letter and now you’re shy about a photocard?” he asks.

“Oh,” Sangah blinks, bringing a hand up to her cheek. “Oh, shit, now I’m shy about that, too.”

“Well,” Kihyun starts, looks down as he begins walking again, “Now you’re not just someone _ in line._”

“That’s…” Sangah follows. “Kind of funny, considering I use Line.”

“Line sucks,” Kihyun scoffs. “Use Kakao.”

“Oh? Guess I’ll be downloading that… Do they have stickers?”

“Yep!” Kihyun chirps, looks up at the sky. “My favourite is Apeach.”

“Oh! That thing with the two butts?”

Kihyun laughs. “It’s a _ peach.” _

“Not all butts are peaches, but all peaches are butts.”

“Oh, I like the way you think.”

“Thank you, thank you,” Sangah laughs, wrapping her arms a little around herself again. “So… Did you have fun tonight?”

Kihyun glances over. “I did. Thanks. Did you?”

“Always do. I like Shownu’s little hangout sessions, it’s… comfortable.”

“You seemed a lot more at ease than I expected you to be,” Kihyun says, tilting his head. “You don’t like… people much?”

“Ah,” Sangah says. “I… Get nervous around a lot of people. It’s not that I don’t like them…”

Kihyun blinks, “Oh… Then, the concert…” He frowns a little. “Was that okay?”

“Huh? Oh! Yeah, no, I love concerts. There you just sort of… Blend into the crowd, you know?” Sangah smiles over shyly. He probably doesn’t but that’s okay. “And Hyungwon was there, so it was nice…”

“Ah!” Kihyun makes a funny face. “The fanboy!” He sighs wistfully and looks at the road. “Wonho steals them all.”

“You have fanboys, too,” Sangah reassures, nodding. “Wonho is just… More popular because of some of the things he’s said, really. The whole ‘I’ll marry anyone if they can make ramen’. Not like it gives fanboys _ hope _or anything, it’s just… Nice to know, or think, I guess."

“Hm,” Kihyun hums. “Well. It’s true for him. But I can’t exactly say something like that…” He pauses, blinks and then shakes his head. “No--Not like it’s problem! It’s just… It would be a lie. So…” 

Sangah smiles softly, rolls her eyes. “It’s okay to be straight, you know, nobody’s gonna kill you or whatever. And you’ve always been very supportive of Wonho’s antics, so it’s okay.”

Straight, though. 100% straight. It shouldn’t be a problem, and yet… He just asked for her number. He probably doesn’t realize...

“So,” Kihyun says. “You don’t like to be seen or noticed much,” Kihyun starts counting, one finger up. “You like Red Bull.” _ Two. _ “You stan Spectrum and your bias is Yoo Kihyun.” _ Three. _ “You use Line but will totally download Kakao to talk to me.” _ Four. _ “And you’re really good at doing your nails.” _ Five. _ He brings up his other hand. “You take care of your hair.” _ Six _. “And you like comfortable gatherings rather than loud, busy ones with lots of people.” He glances over and smiles. “Seven. How bad did I do?”

Sangah smiles down at the ground. “Seven out of seven… I’m really such an open book, huh?”

“Not really, no. But that’s okay,” Kihyun says, hands falling by his sides. 

“Thanks for not mentioning all the bad shit you learned from that game of Mark and Dawon Expose Sangah,” she jokes.

“Bad…” Kihyun makes a pause and then adds, “Shit? Didn’t hear anything particularly bad.”

“Ah, right,” Sangah snaps her fingers playfully. “You read that letter. You know exactly how lame I am, nevermind.”

“You clearly don’t know me very well,” Kihyun chuckles.

“Going to relay all your lame shit to me via Kakao, then?” 

Kihyun narrows his eyes. “Maybe. Or we can just meet and you’ll witness it yourself.”

Sangah flushes, looking away, doesn’t want to joke about it just in case he was kidding. “Maybe you’ll fall into my arms next time,” Sangah teases softly, kicking at the sidewalk with her shoe.

“That’s okay,” Kihyun says. “We can take turns.”

“Aish,” Sangah laughs, shaking her head. “That’s one thing I was right about. You are _ smooth_.”

Kihyun snorts a laugh. “Sorry…”

“Force of habit?”

Kihyun shrugs one shoulder. “It blends at a few places. It’s like a heatsink gun, you see?” Kihyun gestures, finger-gunning at the distance. “I can only shoot a few times until it overheats. Then I have to wait for that cooldown.”

“Aaaah, right, you mentioned having only so many ‘slots’,” Sangah laughs. “Like it’s a video game or something. _ Oh no all my skills don’t fit 1 to 0 on my keyboard, I’m out of slots _.”

Kihyun moves his ‘gun’ hand to Sangah and pretends to shoot when he says, “Yep.” He sighs. “Sometimes I just embarrass myself. But hey, you only live once. Better out than in.”

“Aw, but it’s cute when you embarrass yourself,” Sangah teases and brings her arms and hands together like she’s making herself all small. “You hide.”

“Aish,” Kihyun’s nose scrunches a little and he tilts his head back. “Now I can’t pretend I’m cool for you.”

Sangah raises an eyebrow, biting her lip for a second. “You wanna be cool for me?”

“Why not?” Kihyun asks without looking over, eyes glancing away, ears clearly red, even in the dim light.

“No, I was just… _ Asking _,” Sangah says, biting at her lip again, clearly teasing when she sighs and says. “Of all the boys to be this inexperienced with, it just haaaad to be you."

Kihyun pouts a little. “I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or a bad thing…”

“It’s--Neither?” Sangah laughs soft. “Sorry, I’m nervous… And so far you’ve done a wonderful job of snatching my firsts.”

Kihyun looks at Sangah and blinks. “I have?”

“First boy to hold my hand,” Sangah admits. “The first boy to… call me pretty, not counting Hyungwon, first boy to walk me home, first boy to ask for my number…”

Kihyun’s shoulders slump a little. “Oh…” He looks down. “Well…”

“I don’t mind, though,” Sangah smiles, makes to bump softly at his shoulder. “Despite being, admittedly, slightly surreal?” Sangah laughs. “And no offense, that’s wearing off with every random ass encounter we seem to be having, it’s been... nice.”

_ And yet, I’m still waiting for you to change your mind. _

Kihyun huffs a laugh. “I come around these parts often, lately. So… not really. I mean, to you it’s probably a one in a million thing. To me, though…” He tongues at the corner of his lips, mole poking out. “Hm,” he puffs a breath. “To me it’s just… Seeing someone I thought was cute but didn’t have the chance to talk to again.”

Sangah glances at him. She’s been red this whole damn time. “Flatterer…”

Kihyun smiles a little. Either it’s a trick of the dim light or his face looks a little pink. He clears his throat. “Right.”

Sangah bites her lip and lifts her hand to poke at his cheek. “Boop.”

“And then you don’t want me to call you cute,” Kihyun says right before he puffs his cheek.

“Never said that…”

They walk in silence for a while, Sangah’s building quickly turning into view. The susurrus of the trees washes by and, indeed, it smells like rain even though it hasn’t rained yet.

“When…” Kihyun starts but trails off, suddenly, sighing softly. _ Is he nervous? I_t looks like he’s nervous. He puckers his lips a little and frowns at the sidewalk, tilts his head before looking up at a tree they pass. “When are you usually free? Like… Do you work during the weekends or…”

“Oh,” Sangah says, reaching up to touch her hair. Nervous habit. “Whenever, really, I work from home, so…”

Kihyun glances over. “What do you do? If… If it’s okay to ask.”

“Yeah, of course, uhm. I’m a virtual assistant? I plan things for people,” Sangah shrugs. “It’s nice, you make a decent amount of money and you don’t have to leave the house."

“Hm,” Kihyun hums, smiling small. “You really don’t like leaving your house, huh? A hermit raccoon.”

“I--” Sangah swallows, looks at her feet. “Show me how lame you are on one of those meet ups you talked about and… I’ll tell you why.”

Kihyun stays silent for a while and then says, “You don’t have to, unless you want to. But you can bet I’ll be lame. I’m always lame. You just,” he fists his hand hits his chest softly, “Gotta take pride in it and keep at it.”

Sangah giggles, looking down, pulling her ponytail a little over her shoulder. “It almost sounds like you’re doing it on purpose.”

“I’m not,” Kihyun scoffs. “Just trying to be myself. The only difference between the two sides of the line for me… is not what I show but rather what I don’t show. Nobody wants the sad bits or the bad bits. That’s all.”

“I’ve never seen you look this nervous on stage or whatever, so…” Sangah says softly, shifting on the spot shyly.

“That obvious, huh?” Kihyun laughs. “I actually… Get nervous before concerts. It’s easy once I’m up there but… Especially, if it’s something big, I get nervous.” Kihyun brings his hands up and shakes them on purpose. “Like that. And my hands sweat a little.”

Sangah pouts. “Awww,” she coos, tugs at Kihyun’s sleeve. “Poor thing…”

“Ah, it’s okay…” Kihyun smiles. “It just doesn’t help that the same happens for Joo and Wonho. _ Especially, _ Wonho. He takes it all very seriously, as he should. But he worries about things like… Will he look good and deliver a strong performance… Things like that.”

“Makes sense,” Sangah nods. “I mean, I’d get nervous, too. It’s unfair to expect that you wouldn’t.”

Again, the breeze touches the leaves and they dance, rustling. Kihyun’s shoulders come up a little and he shivers slightly.

Sangah pouts and complains, “Ah, you’re cold! And you have to walk all the way back, too,” she whines.

“I’ll jog,” Kihyun scoffs. “That way I won’t be cold and I’ll get there faster.”

“Still.” Sangah pouts. “If you get a cold, I’ll feel awful.”

“I’m on my free period, it’s fine.”

“Not because of you having to be on stage, dumbass, ‘cause colds aren’t fun.”

_ “Dumbass,” _ Kihyun repeats, huffs a laugh.

“Yeah!” Sangah laughs. “When I get home, I’m changing my twitter to @ Yoo Dumbass.”

Kihyun looks at his hands. “So… You swear _ and _ you call me a dumbass,” he says as he makes his fingers change from eight to nine.

Sangah scoffs, looks at his fingers. “Everyone needs to be called a dumbass every now and then. It’s _ humbling_.”

“You almost sound like someone I know,” Kihyun scoffs.

“Is it Mark? Dear god, please don’t say Mark.”

“A friend of mine,” Kihyun says. “She’s always calling me out on my bullshit. Calls me a dumbass, too. But I think she’d call me whatever degrading name she could find if we saw each other often enough.”

“She sounds like fun,” Sangah smiles, walks up to the front door of her building. “I… Guess that’s me, then…”

Kihyun stops, shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans and smiles. “You guess? You’re not sure where you live?” he teases.

“This is Seoul,” Sangah deadpans. “All the buildings look the same. Who knows.”

“Hm…” Kihyun looks up at the building and shrugs. “Alright.” He makes to turn around. “Goodnight, then, Sangah.”

_ I think… That’s the first time he’s said my name._

Sangah smiles happily, bows her head a little. “Goodnight, Yoo Kihyun.”

Kihyun still waits for her to get inside and only then finally turns to walk away.

It’s a glass door, so Sangah can watch him until he’s out of sight before fumbling for her phone, laughing a little giddy when she sees her lockscreen, scrolls to Hyungwon’s name and presses call as she turns to start walking up the stairs.

It rings.

And rings.

_ And rings-- _

“Hello, goodbye,” Hyungwon says as if to end the call. He doesn’t, though. “Why are you calling me so late?”

“Yoo Kihyun just asked for my number!” she hisses into her phone.

A pause.

“Wait,” Hyungwon shifts. “What? Sangah, if someone on Twitter tells you they’re Yoo Kihyun, you run like hell.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Sangah asks, laughing a little giddy again as she hurries up the stairs. “No, no, you know Mark? Mark Tuan?”

“I’d rather not, but yes…”

“Honestly, mood, but no, he’s _ friends _ with _ Yoo Kihyun_. He invited him over to the fuckin’ Shownu boardgames night! What the hell!”

“No way…” Hyungwon whispers. “Shit, you’re serious?”

“I’m serious,” Sangah says, a little out of breath by the time she reaches her door. “He--He looked nervous? So I was so conflicted between, like, trying not to seem overeager but also just make him feel at ease, you know?” Sangah rambles. She knows this. “I fell into his lap once, it was horrifying. He remembers you, by the way, keeps calling you ‘the fanboy’.”

Hyungwon scoffs a laugh. “Of course he remembers me. I’m unforgettable.” A pause. “But wait. Shit. Yoo Kihyun. And you fell on his lap?! How _ dare _ you fall on an idol’s lap, Im Sangah!”

“I know!” Sangah squeals, closing the door behind her and zipping open the sides of her boots as she kicks them off. “I’m clumsy, okay! And--And he was sitting next to me the whole time, I had to explain to him how Monopoly works, Hyungwon!”

“He… He’d never played Monopoly…?”

“He’s an _ idol, _ Hyungwon, he’s _ dancing _ and _ singing_, he hasn’t got time for capitalistic board game nightmares!”

“Bleh, but he sure uses capitalism to get our money,” Hyungwon mumbles. “Well, his company does but he benefits. Anyway--” A pause. “You met Yoo Kihyun! And he asked for your number!”

“After he walked me home!” Sangah adds, pressing her phone to her ear and starts working her tights off.

“He… What kind of drama is this?!”

“Right?! I don’t know what’s going on! My life isn’t--isn’t _ this _! And I’m--” Sangah pauses, tights in her hand. “Luda and Dawon were there, too… I don’t get it…”

“What don’t you get?” Hyungwon asks softly like he already knows. He probably does.

“Why _ me _?” Sangah asks anyway. “I mean… He must know, right?”

Hyungwon sighs. “I don’t know. If he doesn’t then he should at least have an idea. Or it must have crossed his mind. Don’t take this the wrong way, please.”

“I’m not, it’s obvious,” Sangah scoffs and finds her fluffy blanket on the couch, curls her legs under it and brings it up to her chin. “He’s… straight, though, he told me…”

“Yes, well. _ You’re _ a girl.”

“You don’t have to tell me,” Sangah mutters but sighs. “You get it, though, right? I mean, I _ am _a girl, but… If he doesn’t know…”

“That you walk around with the wrong engine for you? Well… While I think he’s totally in his right to back off if he knows that because, I mean, we all have preferences. So do you. I think that maybe you shouldn’t overthink too much yet. He asked for your number. Maybe you’ll talk, right? Maybe it won’t be anything more than that and maybe it will? Hell, wouldn’t that be cool. But still. _ If _ it starts getting serious then that might be a talk you’ll--” Hyungwon scoffs a laugh. “Sorry… I can’t believe I just said my best friend and an idol might be a serious thing.” He sighs. “Anyway, it might be a conversation you’ll have to have with him.”

“I’m planning on bringing it up,” Sangha pouts. “He said he wants to hang out and I’d rather just… get it out of the way and not feel self-conscious about trying to hide it more than I already do, y’know?”

“Then,” Hyungwon clears his throat. “If he texts you, maybe you should…” Hyungwon snorts. "Bring it up--Sorry, I’m five, you know this.”

Sangah scoffs, too. “And I appreciate it. If I wanted to talk to an adult, I wouldn’t have called you…” She blinks at the wall. “Yoo fucking Kihyun, though?!”

Hyungwon sighs. “You keep saying that… I still think you’re lying even though I _ know _ you’re not. How is he…? Like, is it the same smiley face? Or the--The ‘that’s right, your girl thinks about me when she’s with you’ stage presence?”

Sangah barks a laugh. “Oh, god. Uhm… I think the stage presence is just that..? He mentioned getting nervous before he performs… And he’s smiley, yeah, but not as much? Maybe if he was more comfortable? I definitely think he plays it up for the cameras, though. Not in a bad way, just, y’know.”

“Like we all pretend to smile every now and then so society doesn’t think we’re all truly just sad on the inside? Yeah. I know the feeling. And then there’s Billie Eilish.”

“Deep,” Sangah scoffs. “Man, she just doesn’t give a shit, I appreciate that.” Sangah plops to her back, knows she needs to go shower and get rid of her makeup, put on something cozy but… sigh, _ couch _. “I gave him my number so… I’ll just have to wait and see if this wasn’t just some elaborate dream or, or prank, or something.”

“Please unstan if that proves to be the case.”

“Will do. I’ll be a Wonho stan to rival your own.”

“You wouldn’t…”

“Or Jooheon? Those dimples are killer, especially in real life.”

“True, true…” A moment of silence. “Man… Yoo Kihyun…. He better treat you right. Or I’ll crash their next concert.”

Sangah scoffs. “Like you said, we don’t even know if--Well, maybe he just wants to be friends.”

“Friends still need to treat you right.”

“True,” Sangah hums. “Sorry for calling so late, you can get back to sleep, I just… needed to yell.”

Hyungwon chuckles. “It’s fine, it was for a good cause. You’re forgiven.”

“Thank you,” Sangah sing-songs. “G’night, fanboy~”

“Goodnight, Koala.”

\---

The rest of the month goes by without anything worth screaming about on Twitter. Not that Sangah tweeted about meeting Yoo Kihyun. Not only she knows she shouldn’t, but also no one would have believed her, anyway. Besides, a whole lot of angry fans would just… eat her alive.

On the 8th of November, though, something gets teased on Spectrum’s Twitter page.

Of course, everyone freaks out. Their next album? Yellow? Sangah really thought it would be red, but she still retweets it, retweets a bunch of funny memes about it, and turns her profile into sunflowers, sunshine and all things yellow. It’s such a stupidly happy colour. It makes Sangah pout. She hopes they’re happy.

Sangah puts her phone down and rummages around for her Ravenclaw beanie. It’s cold, she needs it. She finds it, puts it on, puts her headphones over her ears and starts up Spectrum’s whole discography. She has more work to do, works better this time of day anyway, and Spectrum always helps.

For the next two hours, she makes a presentation, schedules some meetings, sends a few emails and actually gets some back (shocker!). All in all, this lady’s week is _ sorted_.

She leans back, smiling victoriously when the freelance invoice comes in with the total. _ Yaaaas, money _.

Like it sensed her reward system begging, Sangah’s phone buzzes a little over the table. Once. And then again.

Sangah reaches over to her phone and takes it with her to the couch, plopping down with the fluffy blanket and putting some random show on Netflix before opening her phone and frowning at her Kakao app. No way. 

Kihyun  
No, I won’t dye my hair yellow  
Also, hello!!! - Ki

Sangah’s heart is _ loud_. He really… He really messaged her...

Hello!!!! And good, you’d look terrible (Face With Stuck-Out Tongue )  
Kihyun  
Now I have a mighty need to prove you wrong…

This is crazy, right?! Yep. Yes it is.

Crazy, but… nice. And oddly enough? Easy.

I need to make some more bold assumptions, then  
Kihyun  
Such as?  
No idea, but I’m sure they’ll come to me~  
Kihyun  
Right  
That’s not why I texted though  
Think you’ll be free next week?  
Saturday  
18th

Sangah screams a little into her hands. _What!_

I’m always free  
It’s a curse  
So…  
Where would you like me on Saturday, November the 18th?  
Kihyun  
Interesting question  
I have no idea because I clearly didn’t think this through  
Give me a sec  
LOL  
Take your time  
Kihyun  
Do you prefer meeting during the day or later?  
I’m fine with either  
Honestly I’m fine too as well  
I know you’ve got a busy schedule so I’m happy to just  
Slip on in there

_Who talks like that. Who._

Kihyun  
There’s a place I’ve been to recently at Hongdae  
It’s like this top floor  
And it’s a tea house  
It’s cute  
I can send you the location if you wanna meet there  
Or I can just pick you up at 5pm and we go together

Oh god this is… really starting to sound like a date. Oh god.

You’re not worried someone will see us?  
Twitter will lose its shit, etc etc  
Kihyun  
It’s fine  
As long as I’m careful about PDA  
[](https://i.imgur.com/qfZtJ4p.png)  
  
Peach!!!!!! uwu  
Aw you’d have to be careful?  
That’s cute

Such nerve… Such courage… Only over text, truly.

Kihyun  
It’s not like I have the need to be all over people  
So it will be fine  
Don’t worry  
[](https://i.imgur.com/6fEImDd.png)  
  
See? Two butts  
And one of them’s blushing oh no!!!!  
Btw this is how I imagine wonho looks getting out of the shower  
Not that I Do imagine that  
I just  
LOOK AT IT  
Kihyun  
I still can’t believe he made a sound only Vlive in the shower  
Our manager had a heart attack when he found out  
So  
Wonho  
Why is it always Wonho  
I told you whyyyy  
And besides, I’d get waaaaaaay too blushy if I said smthn like  
‘Oh this is how I imagine you look getting out of the shower’  
Have some sympathy  
Kihyun  
I’m just trying to ask you out on a date  
Let’s save showers for a later date  
I’ll jot it down in my schedule  
‘Get out of the shower and watch Kihyun pose like Freddy Mercury buck-ass naked’  
...wait I’m slow so it IS A DATE?  
Kihyun  
It doesn’t have to be  
It’s okay  
Friends go out too  
nonoNONONonononNOOOOO  
I was just  
Checking  
If I need to go buy a dress or smthn  
Friends don’t get new dresses, but dates might  
Kihyun  
What kind of dress?

Sangah has a moment of panic--was she just _flirting?_\--and remembers all the little tips on how to dress for her body type. Which can be… difficult, but that’s okay. She’ll have to go shopping, which is always… daunting. Fitting clothes that won’t ever fit until something does.

Dunno, you’ll just have to wait and see~  
Kihyun  
[](https://i.imgur.com/RPRjlB0.png)  
  
Okay then  
Do I pick you up or do you wanna meet there?  
If you can pick me up, actually  
I don’t have a car, so……… whelp  
Kihyun  
That’s fine  
We’ll have to park outside the center though  
And walk a little  
So bring something comfy for shoes  
Always do!!  
I’d be taller than you if I wore heels so………  
Kihyun  
And that would be totally fine  
:< cute  
Still, I like feeling smol…  
Kihyun  
You are smol  
Like  
Aura wise  
It’s cute

This time Sangah just takes a pillow and screams into it.

skjhdfjsdhf stop it I feel like a teenager!!  
Like I need to hide my phone before my mom walks in  
I LIVE ALONE JSDHFKDJG  
Kihyun  
LMAO If she does walk in just tell her I can cook? Usually works  
oh right you can!!! No wonder I’m already offering you my shower  
Kihyun  
I’d offer mine but this is a boys’ house  
My shower smells like vanilla ehehehe I win  
You had to go and text me this late I’m not gonna get any sleep  
Just from, like  
Excitement?  
Never been on a date before  
Another first, to be taken  
Kihyun  
Sorry about that  
I kinda took a whole afternoon deciding on whether or not I should  
Joo got tired of me  
But now you have my contact so feel free to text me whenever  
For whatever  
:< I don’t wanna bother tho ik ur busy  
Kihyun  
If I’m busy I will reply when I’m not  
Don’t worry about that  
:> okey  
What are you up to rn?

After typing, Sangah opens Pinterest and searches ‘date outfits’. Help me, you dumb app.

Kihyun  
Nm  
We had a meeting and just got back home  
Tomorrow is recording day  
So I’ll probably be busy  
“Probably” I say  
Yes, I’ll be busy  
Recording day!!  
Drink a bunch of tea  
Your looks may fade but that voice  
Protecc  
Kihyun  
You’re just in it for the voice and the lullabies aren’t you  
(Eyes ) I’m not opposed to it  
Kihyun  
I see how it is  
It’s okay  
You’re cute  
I can’t really be mad  
asdfghjjik another first  
I should start a list at this point  
Kihyun  
Or we can just assume I’ll be a lot of firsts  
Wait  
That sounded better inside my head

Where’s that damn pillow, a girl’s gotta scream.

who knows, maybe one day I’ll be one of yours first, too~  
Kihyun  
You already are  
agfjhdshgjkhj?????????  
I am??  
Kihyun  
Never did I ever think I’d meet one of my fans in a casual get together and then ask for her number but here we are  
And we hella fine  
[](https://i.imgur.com/6fEImDd.png)  
  
ahahahah nooooo  
I get on Mark’s case about ‘free real estate’  
And then you say ‘we hella fine’??  
Kihyuuuuuuuuuuuun  
Kihyun  
Hella fiiiiiiiiiine  
Okay I’ll stop  
Ah, maybe you’re right  
...Oppa  
ehehehehehehe  
Kihyun  
You’ve heard of “fangirling”  
Now get ready for  
Fanboying  
Cute  
You forget who I’m best friends with…  
Kihyun  
He’s not my fanboy so he’s dead to me  
Jk  
Don’t tell him  
Didn’t even take a screenshot  
I’m a good bean  
Kihyun  
Raccoon*  
Lil raccoon  
Me when i’m too lazy to take my makeup off tbh  
Kihyun  
Pls don’t do that to yourself  
Always remove your makeup before you sleep  
:> I do…  
I meant, like, before I shower or go swimming or smthn  
I always look like a raccoon, apparently so  
Your little nickname rings true  
Kihyun  
It’s your contact name  
Added the “lil”  
They’re cute tho they look like little burglars!!!!  
Kihyun  
I know I love them!!  
And they have those lil human hands!!!  
Or maybe humans just have big racoon hands… oh no  
Kihyun  
Imma be thinking about this for a long time…  
Have you eaten yet?  
...no…  
Kihyun  
Go eat!!!!!!!  
:< I’m lazy and the kitchen is so faaaaar  
And I don't even have anything to make so  
Kihyun  
What do you feel like eating rn?  
A ploy to make me hungry I see...  
Burg? Buuuurg mmm oh no it’s working…  
Kihyun  
Burger King or McDonald’s?  
Whispering: Burger King is better  
Whispering back: I know  
...altho now I’m suspicious >>  
<<   
of you  
>>  
Kihyun  
What’s your door?  
!!!!!   
Kihyun!!!!!!  
Kihyun  
Come on, the website will refresh in 3 minutes  
... :<  
5A…  
Kihyun  
Noted  
Done  
Truffle quattro mushroom whopper menu on the way  
This is the sweetest thing wtf…  
NOT EVEN HYUNGWON BUYS ME BURGERSDGHDFGB  
Kihyun  
[](https://i.imgur.com/qfZtJ4p.png)  
  
Pls eat well  
I can already taste it…  
Me… being shamelessly buttered up…. tsk  
Kihyun  
You say it like you hate it  
Do you?  
Well  
No  
Obviously not  
You just gotta act like!!!  
You know!!!  
But it’s a BURGER OF COURSE I’M HAPPY  
Kihyun  
Nice!!!  
I’m buttered af slide me down a hallway, good sir

What.

Kihyun  
[](https://i.imgur.com/RPRjlB0.png)  
  
That’s you, watching my buttery ass hit a wall  
Kihyun  
Not unless you want me to  
...Did that also sound better in your head? LOL  
Kihyun  
Doesn’t everything?  
Told you I was lame  
You’re sweet…  
Kihyun  
That sounds better than lame  
If lame is sweet, I don’t want ‘cool’  
Hey  
I found a me  
[](https://media0.giphy.com/media/SQnobvQVxeRK8/giphy.gif)  
  
Kihyun  
That  
Is so cute omg  
It IS you  
uwu  
Honestly, me when the door rings soon……  
A whole Whopper…..  
Being treated like a princess over here ehehe  
Kihyun  
You are a princess

Sangah flails. What the hell!

ASDKGFDJKG I’M RED YOU WANT ME DEAD I CAN TELL  
Kihyun  
Dead??? Then who will go on that date with me?  
You can’t die  
There are literally like  
Millions of other girls  
Kihyun  
But I don’t wanna go on a date with millions of other girls  
I wanna go on a date with you  
SIGH GUESS I’LL STAY ALIVE THEN  
Just so I can finally go on a date  
….I sound bitter, I’m not  
Kihyun  
You’ve never really been on a date before?  
Noppp  
Kihyun  
Wait… you’re not like  
How old are you?  
omg ahahah it’s not like that I’m 23!!  
Kihyun  
Oh thank god  
Had to hold my breath for a moment there  
So… Underage and a serial killer or smthn…  
Those are your dealbreakers?  
Kihyun  
Yes  
Also someone who doesn’t like dogs  
Or animals in general but dogs...  
Pls like dogs…  
I’m very sorry to tell you, Kihyun but…  
I don’t like dogs……  
I Love Them  
Kihyun  
Stop giving me heart attacks!!!!  
You first!!!  
Ehehe  
Yoo first  
Kihyun  
I just ordered something for me as well  
Good! You should eat  
The cheeks :<  
Kihyun  
Cheeks?  
[](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DJdz7MCWAAABNXE.jpg)  
Cheeks  
Kihyun  
Oh  
You like that?  
Is that why you poked my face last time?  
Kinda?  
You have a really good face  
It’s cute when your cheeks go all puffy tho like a hamster ehehe  
...don’t mind me  
#cheeks  
That’s cute  
That you find it cute  
I like squishy soft things  
It’s why I sleep covered in fluff holding a big ol’ teddy  
You gotta find your own joys in life, y’know

The doorbell to the front door of the building rings and echoes through the house in the song Sangah had picked a few months ago. It sounds very Christmas-y, but it’s cheerful. Sangah jumps up and slips on the slippers by her door before running down the stairs to get it, handing the delivery boy a tip and bowing as she takes her food.

“Thank you!”

She texts Kihyun on the way up the stairs.

FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD

Eloquent, I know.

Kihyun  
Enjoy princess!!!!

Sangah’s chest goes all warm. Princess...

Kihyun  
I got me and Wonho bentos  
[](https://i.imgur.com/N0YDfCd.jpg)  
  
That’s a wholeass patty right there  
...if you smack it, does it wobble  
Kihyun  
I’m poking it with my chopsticks  
I think I stabbed it  
There’s a hole!!!!!!  
OH NO I KILLED IT  
Omg….   
I’m going on a date with a Murderer™  
Kihyun  
But you ARE going  
That’s what matters  
Only because I’m pretty sure  
(only pretty sure)  
That patty was already dead  
Kihyun  
Are you 100% sure?  
Only a Sith deals in absolutes  
Kihyun  
That doesn’t answer the question  
It just ponders another  
Are you  
A Sith?  
I’m a rogue  
I belong to no intergalactic propaganda  
… I’d still like a lightsaber tho  
Kihyun  
Joo has a fake one  
...lol  
Sorry but like  
…….lol  
Kihyun  
I KNOW  
I REALIZED AFTER I TYPED IT  
I took a screenshot of that I will never ever share  
But giggle at  
Constantly  
Kihyun  
Evil  
:>  
A raccoon in a crown  
What do you expect  
Kihyun  
Ugh  
I’m starting to adore you  
Stop  
.......another screenshot  
Just for me uwu  
Kihyun  
I say stop and she goes and does it again  
:>  
Starting to adore you, too….  
That boy I met through mutual friends~  
Kihyun  
Now I’m fanboying again and I can’t eat properly  
I’ll scold you!!!  
Eat the thing you murdered!  
Kihyun  
Already did  
It’s the rice I’m having trouble swallowing  
But I’ll do it  
Don’t choke on rice u idiot…  
Besides, you don’t have enough pictures to be considered a fanboy  
Hyungwon’s got a Wonho Folder  
Kihyun  
Will I ever get enough pictures of you to make a folder?  
Ah, maybe if you take them…  
I don’t take a lot of selfies  
Kihyun  
Shame… you have a pretty face  
.....you’re making me look at the two  
(2)  
Selfies I don’t hate  
How dare  
Kihyun  
!!!!!!  
[](https://i.imgur.com/IjguFe4.png)  
  
omg that sticker why is that so cute……  
UGH KIHYUN  
I’M WEAK  
Kihyun  
So am I so just put me on my knees or something  
Go on  
...the things you say omg…  
Kihyun  
Please?  
We both know everything sounds better inside my head  
...icb i’m gonna do this UUUUGHJXFKG  
[](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Djoir7EVsAECiSb.jpg)  
  
[](https://data.whicdn.com/images/317588690/large.jpg)  
  
There… Happy?  
Kihyun  
[](https://i.imgur.com/dAXPf6R.png)  
  
VERY!!!!!!  
asdfghjklkj i’m  
Just gonna go  
Er  
Asadfsghdfgdkjhfgjdfkgh  
basically  
Kihyun  
I wanna make one of those my homepage wallpaper  
Help  
They’re so pretty  
You’re so pretty

Sangah pouts at her phone, feels her eyes water a little. So silly, to feel all that just because a boy called her pretty…

_What if you change your mind?_

Thank you… (Purple Heart )  
I’m getting sleepy though so I’m gonna start moving to bed…  
Kihyun  
I GOT A HEART!  
hah been holding off on that for a while (See-No-Evil Monkey )  
Kihyun  
Cute…  
And yes  
I hope the burger was nice!!!!  
it was great!!!! Thank you so much again i still can’t believe you sjdfhdjkhg  
Kihyun  
We all deserve to be a little spoiled sometimes  
So pls take care  
And sleep well!!!  
I really appreciated it so thank you (Purple Heart )  
Goodnight… Sweet dreams!!!  
Kihyun  
You too!!!

Sangah goes to brush her teeth and then falls down on her bed like a starfish and stares at the ceiling. It’s… taking a while to wake up, isn’t it? _ Hah. _She scrolls back up the chat, reads everything again and flails again, giggles again, gets embarrassed all over again. 

A date… On Saturday…

Sangah feels like she lied by saying she’s going to sleep, and she is! Just… after she scrolls through this entire blog on how to dress to, as they say, ‘accentuate her feminine qualities’ or whatever. Speaking of--

Sangah gets up and pads over to her dresser, burrows around in her top drawer and… Finds the bra, breast forms still tucked inside the little pockets. It’s not _ big _, obviously, but just… something. Sangah’s heart tightens a little as she considers it, wearing it on her date. And it shouldn’t feel like lying, and she hopes that, for the time that’ll pass between now and the 18th, she’ll be able to convince herself of that.

She stuffs it back into the drawer and crawls back into bed to reads through the messages just… one more time, before falling asleep.

\---

Kihyun texts again a few days later. And it’s a special text because… Because no one else on the internet has this one selca.

Kihyun  
[](https://i.imgur.com/kfigPxx.jpg)  
We’re working hard  
Pls work hard, too!!!  
But not too much  
Just enough!!!  
You look so cute :<  


Sangah kind of reels, and her first instinct is to send it to Hyungwon. But she doesn’t. This is hers, only hers. And it makes her feel special in a way that is nearly overwhelming.

Kihyun  
Ty!!!  
We might wrap up today  
Then it’s tweak time  
I think I’ve been in this studio for the past 48h  
ngl Tweak Time sounds much more fun than it probably is  
Oh noes!!! You need to sleep :<  
Kihyun  
I will  
The moment I get home, I will (Purple Heart )  


A heart.

A _ heart _.

You better  
My favourite princess is Rapunzel  
We both know how to use a frying pan so  
[squints]  
Kihyun  
To hit guys like me in the face?  
Only if it’s for your own good ehehe  
Kihyun  
I’m surrounded by this type of people  
I wonder if that says something about me  
Mm…  
Either that you need a heavy hand  
Or like getting smacked?  
Mm, much to think about  
Kihyun  
I’m  
Idek  
I might need to do some introspection  
Enjoy  
You have two days until I pick your brain at dinner~  
Kihyun  
Bet you’re gonna be all gorgeous and I’ll just be putty  
Nooo, that’s me!  
You’re the gorgeous one and I’m the putty!!!  
Kihyun  
We can both be gorgeous and putty  
Look at that  
A match  
Gorgeous putty just  
Slooshing around  
Sdjgdfh I’m distracting you aren’t I  
Kihyun  
No  
I’m distracting myself  
Pls indulge me for a bit longer  
How have you been?  
Good, thanks!!!  
Did this presentation thingy for work on some complicated economical blah blah  
She gave me all the info but like  
SDGKJDHG IT’S HARD  
But when I gave it in, she kept praising me so I’m in a good mood tbh uwu  
You?????  
Kihyun  
Oh that’s good!!!  
Good job princess!!!!!  
I’m just tired  
Finishing up on a few things and then crawling home and to bed  
Might sleep for the next two days  
You: princess  
Me, everytime, without fail:  
[](https://66.media.tumblr.com/af2271cc637987559c4310151e4452fd/tumblr_inline_phuxw6Zkmo1ryyjv7_500.jpg)  
Kihyun  
When you say stuff like that it just makes me want to spoil you  
Nobody’s stopping you...  
You can ‘spoil me’ on our date  
Not too much tho I’ll feckin die  
Kihyun  
You bet I will  
Then I look forward to it  
Despite the certainty of my demise  
Kihyun  
Well gotta get back to work again  
Can’t wait to see you!!!!!!!!   
Take care (Purple Heart )  


\---

Sangah does her hair, just loose curls that fall over her shoulders (_ ugh, thank you, hair, you are my saving grace _), does her make-up (follows some guide on YouTube to try and make her adam’s apple less visible), and now… Now it’s bothering Hyungwon time.

She stands in front of her dresser in her robe, holding the boobs. “Hyungwon,” she says, voice serious, even, controlled. “Do I do the breasts?”

“What?” Hyungwon squeaks from the other side of the line. He’s on speaker. It echoes.

“The boobs, Hyungwon!” Sangah squeaks back, feeling herself blush. “Kihyun’s gonna be here in half an hour and I’m just staring at them, what do I do?!”

“What’s the dilemma with the boobs? You don’t think he’ll like them?”

“No, I’m sure he would, but…” Sangah bites at her lip. “It feels like lying. It’s not! I think? Ugh, it feels like lying!”

“Then,” Hyungwon sighs. “Make-up would be lying. Girls using padded bras would be lying. If you think you’ll look better with them, wear them. If you think you don’t need them, don’t.”

Sangah pouts at them. _ Berbs _. Honestly, Sangah should have had to pay to have fake boobs, but life is life. “So… if you went out with a dude, and you looked at his crotch and like--wah! Big. Right? But when you get home, it’s like--an artificial extendo-dick or something. You wouldn’t be mad?”

“Depends,” Hyungwon says. “On how much I already like the guy. But wait--” Hyungwon pauses. “You’re planning on going home with Kihyun?!”

“No!” Sangah squeaks, closing the drawer with the bra still in hand. _ Why not, right? _“I just--It’s obvious it’s not _ real _, I was just… prematurely stressed. I do that.” 

“You… Didn’t tell him yet, then…”

“Planning on doing that tonight,” Sangah mutters. “Better to see the reaction, you know…”

“Well, I’ll make sure I have my phone with sound, just in case you need to call.”

“Thanks, Wonnie,” Sangah says and shrugs off the robe, fastens the bra in front of her and spins it, slipping her arms into the straps. It’s… made to look and feel realistic, apparently, without any fake silicone cleavage or whatever, in case she ever wants to wear anything low cut (nope) but it’s an incredibly tight feeling that rises in her chest once she starts putting on her clothes--a black sweater, tucked into a waist-cinched, long, lacey but thick skirt all the way down to cover her calves; a small necklace with a wolf her mom gave her once; and comfortable, flat, black ‘ballerina’ shoes.

She looks in the mirror, and in some angles? It could just be any girl--_No. It is a girl._

“Okay,” Sangah says, both to her reflection and to Hyungwon, still on the phone on the other side of the room. “I can do this.”

“Yes, you can,” Hyungwon says. “Obama said so.”

Sangah giggles. “And so did you. So thank you. I--”

The doorbell rings and Sangah rushes to her phone, takes it off speakerphone and presses it to her ear as she quickly sprays her neck with perfume. “He’s here!” she whispers loudly into the phone.

“Okay!” Hyungwon whispers back for some reason. “Listen!”

“What if I die?!”

“Listen!” Hyungwon hisses. “I know he’s, like, famous and shit. But if he says or does anything weird or--or I don’t know! You just text me! I’ll go get you.”

Sangah pouts. “Thanks, oppa. I’ll let you know. Bye!” she puts the phone down and clears her throat before she calls out. “Just a second!”

She frantically looks around the room. She got everything, right? She’s… dressed, okay, good start. So all she does is grab her cherry lipgloss and put it on as she hurries to the door, stuffing it into her clutch after grabbing it from the kitchen counter. Another deep breath (and another, _oh god_) before she opens the door with a smile.

Of course, the universe has no mercy and Kihyun looks just… freaking _ gorgeous _.

His hair looks freshly dyed, _ a grape. _ Wavy and parted down near the middle. His eyes are a little pink near the corners and his lips look like soft pink peaches. He’s wearing all denim under the black winter coat, a white shirt tucked into his jeans and covering whatever silver necklace he’s wearing.

And Sangah knows that, because she’s… staring. A bit. Her eyes flick up to Kihyun’s and she smiles. “Hey…”

The smile that tugs at his lips is both the cheerful one he carries around as his trademark and the _ one _, the secret one Kihyun only makes sometimes when there are no cameras around. Because he smiles but his eyes look way too soft.

“Hey,” he says softly before looking Sangah up and down for a moment. “You should bring a jacket, it’s cold,” he says, turning a little but keeping his eyes on her. “You look beautiful, though.”

_ Beautiful. _ That’s… definitely new. Sangah stutters, “R--Right, lemme just go--” Sangah turns and rushes to her bedroom, blinking fast to avoid the tears. It’s so stupid to wanna cry and ruin her makeup over that but… _ Ugh _. Ugh!

It only takes her a minute to fight back the tears and smack herself on the cheek, find her cropped leather jacket and pull it on as she walks out into the living room again.

Kihyun looks up from the floor--he’s still standing by the entrance--and smiles. “Ready?”

“Yeah,” Sangah smiles and turns off her light, locking the door behind her and putting the keys in her bag. She glances at Kihyun and immediately blushes again. This is… gonna be a long night. “You look really nice…” 

“Oh,” Kihyun blinks, looks down at himself. “Thank you!” When he looks back up, though, he blinks some more and then extends his hand just a little.

Sangah’s eyes widen. Her cheeks are just permanently pink, by now. “I thought PDA was banned...”

Kihyun’s face doesn’t change when he says, “Let’s just say I’m a little selfish…”

Sangah smiles, in that way where she’s trying hard not to smile too wide, reaching out to take Kihyun’s hand and tug at it softly as she starts walking, sticking to his side. “Your funeral,” she teases. “And mine. For very different reasons.”

“Well,” Kihyun sighs loudly and mumbles, “At least we’ll both go smelling good. CSI will love corpse-us.”

Sangah giggles and bumps a little against Kihyun as they walk. His hand is so warm… 

They go down the stairs and Kihyun doesn’t let go of her hand, not even when they step outside after he opens the door for her (without letting go).

“Maybe we died of hand holding overdose,” Sangah teases, smiling over at him. “My system’s not used to it, it’s very probable.”

Kihyun glances at her. “If there’s anything that bothers you, just tell me.”

Sangah blinks over at him, pouts all happy. “Okay… You too, though,” she immediately teases, because _ dealing with all these warm emotions is not an option right now _.

They walk up to a metallic grey KIA, the lights flashing when Kihyun holds up the remote. He walks Sangah to the passenger's door and only there lets go of her hand to open the door for her. Like a proper gentleman, like some drama or storybook. It’s stupid, because Sangah still feels like it’s all going to disappear in a puff of smoke.

“Not to alarm you,” Sangah laughs softly as she sits down, puts on her seatbelt. “I already feel _ very _ spoiled. The bar is _ underground _.”

Kihyun huffs a laugh and raises his hand up to his eyes. “It should be up here,” he says before he closes the door for her and walks around the car to take the driver’s seat.

“Yes, well,” Sangah says, glancing over. “You’re in a place of privilege at the moment. Anything you do will be the best since it’s the only. Then again…” Sangah glances over mischievously. “Do it badly and it’s automatically the worst.”

“Uh, the pressure,” Kihyun scoffs as he inserts the keys and turns them a little. The lights on the dashboard light up and, with another little twist, the car starts. “If you’re going to remember me then I’ll want you to remember me for the good things,” he says, not glancing over and instead just slowly pulling the car into the driveway. He pulls at his belt only once they’re already on the move. “That’s fine, though. I like a good challenge.”

_ Oh, I’m a challenge alright _.

“No bad things as of yet, but I’ll keep you updated,” Sangah says, trying to sound all announcer-ey and official.

Kihyun huffs a laugh. “I feel like I’m on trial.”

“Your honour,” Sangah says, in her best American, Law and Order accent. “Is Yoo Kihyun the best date in the world? I call our first witness, Im Sangah.”

“I’m a great date, my mother never complained,” Kihyun scoffs. 

Sangah coos. “Awww, you take your mother on dates? That’s so cute!”

“Oh, it’s great,” Kihyun scoffs. “Once, at the mall,” he leans forward a little to peek at the intersection, “A few girls recognized me and started getting closer. But, like, trying to be casual about it even though I could tell. And then in comes my mother, out of a store, and starts swearing because they didn’t have her number for the shirt she wanted. Hell of a first impression. But, hey, the girls still stuck around and, when they told my mother she had a very nice and pretty son, my mother just went like ‘_ What? _ What’s so gorgeous about my son?’ It was like, _ ouch. _ Thanks, mom.”

Sangah laughs, turning into a giggle that interlaces with her speech. “Asian parents, am I right? My mom would say the exact same thing, I’m sure.”

“Keeps us humble, maybe?” Kihyun frowns, nose scrunching. “I have no idea. At least I’m not delusional about my capabilities. Pretty sure my mother would let me know if I was ugly as fuck, though…”

Sangah brings a hand to her chest, openly and playfully gaping at Kihyun. “You just _ swore _!”

Kihyun sighs and then laughs a little. “I know right? I actually swear a lot but don’t tell anyone. Gotta stay PEGI 3.”

Sangah scoffs, and then scoffs again. “Sorry--flashed back to some of that choreography y’all have. PEGI 3 my ass.”

“Ah, the body rolls?” Kihyun laughs. “Which reminds me,” he glances over and then reaches over to turn on the radio, clicks on the USB button and gestures, “Select track five, if you don’t mind.”

“Okey,” Sangah agrees in a little high pitched chirp before pressing number five.

It’s a song she’s never heard before, it’s soft but--But that’s Kihyun’s _ voice _. Sangah brings her hand to her mouth, looking over to Kihyun with wide eyes. “Is--Is this--?”

“Lead track,” Kihyun nods, eyes on the road. “For now, at least.”

_ ‘Who is the person you see when you look closer? Who am I going to be when it's all over?_

_Sacrifice but it's worth the price for a moment that lives on._

_Bury me in a melody to remember when I'm gone._

_Who is the person you see when you look closer?'_

Sangah drops her hand and pouts. “You wrote this, didn’t you? It’s really good…”

“That obvious?” Kihyun asks, smiling a little and glancing over.

_ ‘More than the face you see in the crowd. They know my name when they scream it loud. I don't need much, I just want it all. All I wanna be is unforgettable.’ _

“You literally just told me you wanted me to remember you,” Sangah smiles softly. “So… Maybe. It’s a good thing, though,” Sangah reaches over to squeeze Kihyun’s hand before letting go and pulling hers back to her lap. “And it’s a _ really _good song, holy shit, I can’t believe you trust me this much.”

Kihyun stays silent for a moment and then says, “Maybe I’m the open book. Not you.”

Sangah smiles soft, leaning back against the seat as the song plays. It’s so… hopeful. “Maybe… Still need to be able to understand the language, though…”

Kihyun glances over for a moment and then away. And, again, says nothing. Sangah just silently watches him drive, listening to the music.

The song repeats again. The lyrics aren’t that diverse and it sounds catchy enough. By the time it ends, Kihyun is already parking the car downtown. It’s still far from Hongdae, but it’s easy to walk there.

Kihyun turns the car off and slumps back on his seat with a soft sigh before looking at Sangah and smiling. “Ready? You can still turn back, if you want.”

Sangah narrows her eyes playfully. “So can you.”

“Why would I?” Kihyun laughs and the reaches out for the handle and opens his door, exiting the car.

Sadly, Sangah can think of a reason or two. One reason perhaps big enough for two. She shakes her head, though, bringing her hair to the front before getting out of the car. Like a habit, she makes her way to his side and tugs at his sleeve. “Lead the way.”

Kihyun barely looks at her but turns his hand, lacing his fingers with hers. He wiggles the remote to lock the car. “By the way,” he says, “If suddenly you feel like there’s something you really want to do, just tell me. Even if it’s world domination,” he chuckles and glances over, swings their hands a little as they walk.

Sangah giggles shyly, keeps wanting to hide her face on Kihyun’s shoulder. “Nah, too hungry for world domination tonight. Besides, it might distract from the main point.”

“And what’s the main point?” Kihyun asks, grinning a little.

“You,” Sangah chirps, smiling wide at him.

“Aish,” Kihyun says, reaching to his chest with his other hand. “My heart…”

“Good,” Sangah giggles. “You deserve it. You’ve been doing that to me since we met.”

Kihyun laughs. “By the way, it might not happen, but there’s a chance a few people might start pointing their phones at us. Just ignore them. And be yourself, okay?” He looks at Sangah. “It’s really not a problem.”

“Well…” Sangah says, tone playful, a little warm in her chest as she swings their arms. “Being _ myself _would be either flipping them off or waving with a evil little grin. So…”

“You’re secretly chaotic?” Kihyun laughs. “Oh, I like that.”

Sangah flushes, reaching up to touch her hair, put it behind her ear on the side not facing Kihyun. “Not much of a secret… I don’t go out much but when I do, I like to have fun.”

“Same,” Kihyun says. “Although,” he smiles, “When I first saw you? Really thought you were just… really soft spoken and shy. Probably a little bland. And then you flipped me over when I saw you again at the convenience store.” He laughs. “And then again, last time we met.”

Sangah rolls her eyes, just keeps flushing. “It was the wolf onesie, wasn’t it? I nearly started stuffing Red Bulls in the pockets like a kangaroo pouch…”

“There was that and then there was the amazing fountain of hair,” Kihyun laughs. “And last time it was like, woh, she swears and is funny. And she can take a joke!”

“I don’t take a joke, I--” Sangah says.

“Am the joke?”

“Wow,” Sangah deadpans, makes to unlace their fingers but pulls her hand away with their hands still touching. “What kind of _ treatment _\--”

Kihyun laughs, “Shhh, sorry, sorry.” He squeezes her hand a little.

“I was gonna say!” Sangah laughs, taking his hand again but tugging harshly, so he’ll stumble and she can laugh some more. “That I knock ‘em back like shots, but sure--” Sangah laughs. “That, too.”

Kihyun thumbs softly at her hand and smooths his finger over her skin. “Do you… Do you like soju?”

“Is this like the dog question and the wrong answer will immediately get me eliminated?” Sangah teases, feeling her brain do little fireworks as she glances down at Kihyun’s hand, watches his thumb as she feels it.

“Nah,” Kihyun chuckles and shakes his head. “You already passed that test.”

“Yes, I like soju. Plan on getting me drunk or something? Tsk.”

“No,” Kihyun says, frowning a little. “But if you want to get drunk, you can. I promise to take you home safe and sound.” He glances over. “I was just asking because I thought maybe we could share? After dinner, later.”

“Sounds like fun,” Sangha smiles and leans a little into his space, pokes at his cheek. “You’re sooooo _ nice _. You sure you’re a straight dude?” she jokes, poking again.

Kihyun blinks and then snorts a laugh. “Pretty sure,” he shrugs. “I mean, I am certain the fanfictions live up to the stereotype but yeah, pretty straight.”

“Right,” Sangah smiles and drops her hand, holding loosely at Kihyun’s elbow. 

_ Why did I bring up the straight talk again? Ugh…. _

“And you?” Kihyun asks casually. “Are you?”

“A straight boy?” Sangah makes to think about it. “Naaah.”

“A straight girl,” Kihyun says.

Sangha bites at her lip and nods. “Yeah…”

“By the way,” Kihyun chirps, “My favourite soju is the orange one.”

“Oh?” Sangah asks, feels the pressure in her chest release a little. “I’ve never tried it.”

Kihyun turns at Sangah to gape. “You’ve never--” He turns front again. “That’s it. Soju after dinner. You can’t say no now.” A pause. “Obviously, you can. But you _ can’t.” _

Sangah giggles. “Never have I ever had oeange soju,” she jokes, sticking out her tongue. “We’ll share one of those, then.”

“That we will.”

\---

Hongdae is full of life. The more time stretches and night approaches, the livelier it gets. There are a bunch of street performances, henna stalls--_ henna?-- _ fluffy toys stalls, food stalls, buildings filled with make-up stores, clothing stores, karaoke and-- _ fortune telling! _

“Oh!” Sangha smacks at Kihyun’s arm before clinging to it and bouncing with a pout. “I want that lady to tell me nonsense! Please, please, _ pleeeeease _?”

Kihyun stops, blinks at the fortune teller stall. “Oh, alright,” he says, tugs at Sangah’s hand and takes her there. 

It’s a tent and when Sangah sits by the wooden table full of candles, Kihyun just stands by the entrance and looks at everything rather suspiciously.

Sangah probably looks far too gleeful, smiling wide at the fortune teller and bowing her head. “Hello!”

“Good evening,” the woman says and gestures at a tiny, pretty box at the edge of the table. “Place the coins in the box and we can start.”

Sangah leans back in the chair to just grin at Kihyun, eyes all ‘puppy’. It works on Hyungwon, at least. And, after a few seconds of staring questioningly into each other’s eyes, Kihyun sighs and gives in, walks closer and places a note inside the box.

Sangah raises an eyebrow at him that clearly means, ‘A _note_?’

“What,” Kihyun whispers, “I don’t have change…” Sangah giggles and looks forward again.

“Very well,” the fortune teller says, reaches for a stack of cards and starts shuffling. “What is your name?”

“Yoo Eunji,” Sangah lies with a wide smile.

“Very well, Yoo Eunji,” the woman says, keeps shuffling, “Let’s see what the spirits have to say about you. What messages they have for you.”

“Yes,” Sangah nods, clearing her throat to look serious. “Thank you.” _ Pffff, spirits. _

A few cards fall on the table as the woman keeps shuffling and she places them in the order in which they fell. The first card that fell has a heart drawn on it and three swords piercing through it. The second, three chalices held up by a three figures. The third, a naked _ woman? _ Okay… The fourth is dark and has a stone on it.

“Hm,” the woman says, “It has been difficult. The Three of Swords, hardship. Turning into the Three of Cups. It is a time for celebration, don’t waste it.” A pause as she points at the last card. “The Peace card. It seems you will find the peace you seek. Take the chances you are given so your conflicts can be resolved.”

Sangah shifts a little where she sits. This is all very… vague. But fair enough. “I don’t… have any conflicts,” Sangah lies again. _ Her mother _...

“Hm,” the woman shuffles again and another card falls. “Hm,” the woman says again. “Someone from the past, however, will try to enter your life again.”

Yep. _ Mother _. “That’s their problem, then,” Sangah mutters.

Another card falls and the woman looks at it before placing it over the others, “There’s an angel watching you. And they're set out to help you in your journey, send you all the tools you need,” the woman glances up briefly before looking at the cards again. “Search for what’s in your heart and follow it. You’ll find yourself right where you should be.”

And, hopefully, as she should be. She smiles a little, though, glances around to Kihyun, who’s still ogling everything and scowling softly... An angel, huh? Looks like one, acts like one.

“Thank you,” Sangah says softly.

“You are welcome, young one,” the woman says and bows her head a little. “Is there anything you’d like to ask your spirit guides?”

And this is how these people just--ugh, worm into your head! Because instead of asking something silly, or meaningless, she leans in a little and asks, “Will--Will I ever be the person I was supposed to?”

The woman looks at the cards and touches each and every single one of them before pulling at a random card from her deck and placing it down. “Hm, a journey. It’s a journey. But once you let go of what’s holding you back and find what you need, you will be happy. Whether that’s the person you are supposed to be, it is up to you. But you will happy.”

Sangah bites her lips in as she smiles and bows her head, small, again, before standing up. _ Guess I’ll have to find what’s holding me back _. “Thank you so much,” Sangah says, taking Kihyun’s arm with a little wave at the woman before they leave the tent. Sangah just sort of… melts onto Kihyun’s arm, clinging. “Oh maaaaaaaan, I was so ready to be chaotic in there. They get in your head!”

Kihyun laughs a little. “Did she tell you that you’ll be winning the lottery?”

Sangah squints her eyes and laughs. “You weren’t paying any attention, were you?!”

“Not really, I’m sorry,” Kihyun laughs. “There was a dead rabbit right next to my face, hanging from the ceiling.”

“Oh.” Sangah blinks, tilts her head. “Someone Wonho knows, do you think?”

Kihyun laughs. “He’d cry, I’m sure, if he saw that.”

“Poor thing… You knooow,” Sangah teases. “She told me I had an angel watching over me…”

Kihyun frowns and looks up at the sky. “Huh… Do you?”

“You were standing right behind me, weren’t you?”

Kihyun blinks for a moment before moving his eyes down. He blushes a little. “Ah… I suppose.”

“My angel, my say,” Sangah teases, poking at Kihyun’s arm.

Kihyun huffs a laugh. “Fair.” He looks at Sangah but then glances at a stall, pokes at Sangah’s head with his nose and nods at the stall. “Bungeoppang, ice cream fish bread.”

Sangah gapes as two people walk away, holding what looks like--“Fish unicorns!”

“Do you want one?” Kihyun asks, smiling softly.

Sangah nods excitedly, eyes still following those people. “Please! Wah, it’s so pretty… I’ve had the fish pastry before but never with ice cream.”

“Fish unicorn coming up, then.”

It’s good. It’s _ great. _ It tastes sweet and, at some point, when Sangah asks Kihyun if he wants to try, he nods and leans in to take a bite. It’s the most intimate thing Sangah has ever done with Kihyun up until now. She smiles soft when he leans away, reaching forward ( _ lord help me _) to clean off a small smudge of ice cream at the corner of his mouth, riiiiight over that goddamn mole.

Kihyun blinks, his ears go a little red, but he glances away and pretends it’s nothing. The only tell (besides the red ears) is the soft sigh.

They wander through Hongdae and then stop to visit the tea place Kihyun had told Sangah about. It’s at the top floor of a building, a huge balcony overlooking the neighborhood. The best part? There’s no one outside. So, when they sit down and the waitress leaves with their requests done, they’re alone, a sea of people in the streets below.

“Wow, we are… Actually alone,” Sangah says, leaning a little onto the table with her elbow. “Sure there aren’t fansites skulking on opposite buildings with those huuuuge ass lenses?”

“Well, I told the company I had a date,” Kihyun mumbles. “So they probably posted something to have them scram.” He shrugs. “We _ are _ allowed to date… After two years of contract. As long as we let them know, of course. Besides, we aren’t as popular or as busy as Kpop idols.”

“You deserve to be, though,” Sangah pouts. “I mean, I don’t want you to be busy all the time, obviously, I’m a selfish twat, but musically? Yeah.” Sangah smiles. “I’m glad the company isn’t so full of shit…”

Kihyun glances up and smiles, “Not with us, at least. I try to stay on their good side. It helps.”

“Ah, knew you were a good boy,” Sangah teases. “Despite the leather and eyeliner.”

“Depends on your definition of ‘good boy’,” Kihyun laughs.

Sangah pauses halfway through taking a sip of soju, just so she won’t choke. “Now you’ve made me curious as to yours.”

“I guess you’ll just have to find out,” Kihyun shrugs, leans towards the rail to look down. “They look like ants from up here.”

Sangah leans closer to the railing, too. Damn, they really do. “Imagine just chucking your glass out over the railing and it hits someone on the head and they’re like-_ -Woah, it’s raining soju! _”

Kihyun laughs, “A miracle, for sure. A very expensive miracle.”

“Especially if it tastes like oranges. This is fucking _ rad _, by the way.”

“Told ya,” Kihyun says, smiling at Sangah. “Oranges are great. They make everything better.”

“The hand holding of drinks,” Sangah says, raising her glass as if for a toast before taking a drink.

“Glad you like it,” Kihyun says, crosses his arms and leans back, eyes closing for a moment until his head tips back and he looks up. “We’re lucky. Today is a nice day to be outside.”

Sangah smiles, looking down at the table where she keeps both her hands. You know, just in case… “You telling me you weren’t checking weather apps before making this date? Somehow I don’t believe you…”

Kihyun huffs a laugh and slumps back forward, holding up four fingers. “I checked two apps and two websites. Just in case…”

“Didn’t wanna get caught in the rain?” Sangah teases, tongue between her teeth.

“Well, we could just,” Kihyun pouts a little as he speaks. “Spend the day inside a coffee shop or… Go to the mall. Watch a movie?” He glances up. “Do you like movies?”

“Noooo, I grew up inside a cave and without a brain,” Sangah giggles. “That sounds lovely, though. The movies and, er, coffee thing, not the… cave thing...”

“Then…” Kihyun says, eyes searching Sangah’s face before he looks down. _ “If _ today doesn’t go bad for you, maybe next time...?”

Sangah bites at her lip, moving her hand forward to poke at his. “Already planning a second date? I’m struggling to understand how you can like me that much…”

Kihyun looks up and frowns a little. “I just… I don’t know? Why do you usually like something? Sometimes it’s because it’s sweet or salty. But why do you like sweet or salty? No reason. You just do. It’s something like that…”

“Wasn’t saying you shouldn’t, I’d… like if you did,” Sangah smiles softly. “Was just… Blegh,” Sangah sticks her tongue out and shakes her head. 

Kihyun smiles small and looks at their hands when he hooks his forefinger around Sangah’s, “We all have those. It’s okay.”

Sangah smiles down at Kihyun’s finger around hers before flopping her forehead down onto their hands, sitting up straight and shaking her head as if to clear it, aware her hair probably looks a bit messy but that’s okay. “Over that! So--tell me about yourself.”

Kihyun smiles a little wider and shrugs. “Gotta think of something you might not know already… Hm, any questions?”

Sangah tongues at her cheek, tilting her head. “Hmm… Do you find it odd that I--well, you know. Know so much about you already? The whole fan thing…”

Kihyun hums and then shrugs, “No really? I mean… For a while there, like,” he scrunches his nose and gestures vaguely, “Way at the beginning, I remember this interview we had and one of the questions was if we had or would ever date a fan.” He laughs a little. “We all made a face and shook our heads. Because… You know why. It’s not like we don’t know what fandoms are generally like. But… If I have to go out of my way to pick someone who isn’t a fan, I’m restricting myself. Maybe… Maybe the right person for me isn’t on that side of the line. Maybe they’re a hardcore fan, maybe they’re not. But… in the end, it’s about who they are and how they react towards me that counts. So, I don’t care.”

Sangah smiles as she watches him, wiggling her finger a little to reposition and hold his hand. “I’m not gonna let you get away with shit because you’re some pretty idol, if that’s what you mean,” she teases. 

“And you shouldn’t,” Kihyun shrugs. “I’m an idol. But I’m human. I make mistakes, too. And I need to be able to grow as a person and learn from my mistakes. So,” he looks up, “Do point them out, if you think you need to.”

“Pff, ‘course I will. And hey, the way I see it, it’s like…” Sangah tilts her head and puffs a breath of air when a few locks fall over her face. “Liking Harry Potter and expecting Daniel Radcliffe to actually _ be _Harry Potter. It’s stupid.”

Kihyun huffs a laugh, thumbs lightly at Sangah’s hand. “Yes, well… it’s not easy, though. Because at the end of the day it’s my job to entertain… And not many girls would understand. And I can’t expect them to, because it’s a little unfair… So… If, if it bothers you, in the end, that’s okay.”

Sangah pouts. “Shush about that, then. Tell me something… you wouldn’t say on an interview, or if there were cameras around…”

Kihyun blinks for a moment, looks at their hands and then frowns a little. “Hm…” He scoffs a laugh and leans his head down with a small, “Aaaaah,” as he raises their hands up a little and shakes them. “This is like… _ trust.” _

Sangah squeezes his hand. “I know…” she smiles small, though. “I’m good at secrets, though.”

_ True enough _.

Kihyun looks up and then away. He moves their hands back down and sighs. “Well… There’s… Next year, there’s a chance the band will get a tiny bit smaller…” He shrugs. “And while it’s both not a big deal _ and _ a big deal… it’s difficult. Because it’s not like we’re splitting on good terms.”

“Oh… I’m sorry, Ki,” Sangah pouts some more. “That can’t be easy… Are you okay?”

Kihyun nods and smiles a little, looks at Sangah. “Yeah, I’m okay. I mean, looking on the bright side of things… We will just be going back to the start. Me, Joo, Wonho. That’s how it started. The only issue is…” Kihyun looks down. “When you have to do something because you’re obligated to do it, when you have to deal with people you don’t want to deal with, things get tense. So, sometimes the environment is a bit… eh… well, _ tense.” _

“Yeeeeeah, I can imagine. Maybe it’s a good thing, then? From experience, I know being comfortable is the most important thing, so you can really be yourself and do the things you want.”

“Yep,” Kihyun nods. “That’s what I’m trying to focus on.” He smiles. “What about you? Between the two of us, you’re the big mystery.”

“Well, there’s nothing I’d say on an interview because I don’t _ get _any of those…”

“You wouldn’t want to,” Kihyun admits. “Sometimes they will literally twist your words on the spot. It’s horrible. You have to think so much about what to say you just end up with a headache.”

“Oh, I’ve noticed,” Sangah says. “I don’t envy you, trust me.”

“Hm,” Kihyun nods, narrows his eyes a little. “So… Friends. Fanboy. Shownu and the little gang? Who else? Do you have any brothers or sister?”

“Ah, an older brother,” Sangah nods. “The golden child.”

“Terrible,” Kihyun laughs, “I have one of those, too. But I love my baby niece!”

“You were asked once to choose between dogs and kids and you couldn’t,” Sangah giggles. “It was so cute. You like kids, huh?”

_ Whelp, can’t give you any of those, sorry _.

Kihyun nods. “Yep, I do. I like babies and… cute things,” he shakes Sangah’s hand.

“Like me?” Sangah teases.

“Yep, like you.”

Sangah sticks out her tongue again and giggles. “Yes, well, my brother’s girlfriend is pregnant at the moment. As you can imagine, my parents are _ ecstatic _.”

“Ah, yes. And don’t you get those ‘when will you start a family?’ questions as well?” Kihyun scoffs. “Because… right. I do. All the time.”

“Not really,” Sangah admits softly. Life is a field and insecurities are fucking landmines. “My mom doesn’t--well, my family, really--don’t talk to me much…”

Kihyun frowns a little and pouts. “Oh… I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to… Dig up anything bad…”

“Nah,” Sangah shakes her head. “Seriously, it’s fine. I don’t… _ mind _, really. It’s like the band thing for you, I guess? Forcing people together out of--well, thinking you’re supposed to be there because you’re family but it’s just… tense and uncomfortable.”

Kihyun nods and looks down, soothes his thumb over Sangah’s hand. “I suppose, yes…” He glances at his glass, takes it the drinks the shot, munches on nothing as he puts it down. “Do you like traveling?”

“Theoretically,” Sangah smiles. “Never really been anywhere. Spent a few years in America when I was young but I barely remember it.”

Kihyun’s eyes shoot up. “Woah, really?”

“Uhm,” Sangah blinks. “Yeah? It’s why I can speak English…”

“My dream is to hold a concert there,” Kihyun says, smiling a little. “So, when I do? Because I _ will,” _ he grins. “I’m taking you with me. If you want.”

Sangah laughs, dropping her eyes to flush. “Sure, I’ll be your personal groupie.”

“Deal!”

Sangah leans into their hands and puts her forehead to Kihyun’s hand before leaning back. “Once you get your own private jet, obviously. Because you will. _ Obviously _.”

“Ah,” Kihyun whines, melting down a little, “The _ dream!” _

Sangah rolls her eyes. “What would you even _ do _ with your own _ plane _?”

“Can fly with my pants off, for one…” Kihyun scoffs. “Not that I want to! But, just saying.”

“Ohoho, no, no,” Sangah laughs. “I distinctly remember you going all ‘ohh we were all born naked’ the other night, don’t lie.”

“Okay, _ fine!” _ Kihyun rolls his eyes, ears a little red. “Why am I telling you this. I’m not that shameless, okay? There’s a limit! A limit.”

Sangah cackles. “Listen, I was terrible as a teenager. Always walked around half naked.” _ Before the crippling dysphoria set in _.

Kihyun stares at nothing in particular, eyes narrowing and narrowing and narrowing until they’re basically slits. “You can’t just… _ say _ that to a guy…”

“Trust me, it’s not what you’re imagining,” Sangah says, rolling her eyes and flushing a little. _ Less boob than you’re probably imagining _. “Right now, it’s all--big ass hoodies.”

“Why not, though? You have really nice legs.”

Sangah brings a hand over her mouth as she looks down, blushing, looking up at him all red but smiling.

“What, who said that?” Kihyun looks around, looking a little flushed. “I’ll hunt you down! Who said that?”

Sangah breaks out into giggles, face so damn red. “I don’t know, but their friend said you have great legs. Especially in those jeans.”

Kihyun frowns and leans back to look at his legs. “It’s the thighs, isn’t it?”

_ Don’t think too much about it, don’t think too much about it--hnnn, dammit. _

“No,” Sangah deadpans. “They’re from the olden times and it’s obviously your ankles.”

Kihyun looks up, amused. “My ankles.”

Sangah nods, brings up her free hand, index finger to thumb. “_ Slim _.” 

Kihyun laughs a little and shakes their hands. “Suuure…”

The sky has turned into a dark, bright blue and the city lights look like fireflies wherever Sangah looks. Beneath them, the streets seem to be getting more and more packed. And the more time passes, the colder it gets. Yet, despite the cold, Sangah feels warm, her hand feels warm. Her chest feels even warmer. And Kihyun, the sun of the fandom, doesn’t smile all that often in real life, doesn’t laugh all that loud either unless he’s losing it. But even so, he feels like a sun, ever present and warm.

“I’m thinking,” he says after a long moment of silence, of looking around, of warmth between their hands, “There’s a Korean BBQ place a few blocks away. They also sell jajangmyeon, among other things. Wanna go there?”

“And prolong this date?” Sangah hums, as if thinking. “Well, I guess I don’t have much _ else _to do,” she teases, squeezes his hand as she shakes it. 

“You’ll be home before eleven, don’t worry,” Kihyun teases.

“A shame, truly.”

\---

Watching Kihyun eat? It’s the best thing ever. He gets lowkey excited about food, barely talks unless he needs to, and just stuff his mouth, cheeks puffing while he munches. Again, it’s heartwarming.

Kihyun pays for dinner and later they walk between a few stalls, watch one or two performances (mostly people dancing to BTS) and split a corndog.

And the truth is, it’s so good, it feels so right that Sangah doesn’t want it to end.

And it’s _ comfortable _. That really isn’t something to ever undervalue, especially to Sangah. 

But time passes. Time, the enemy. And, before she notices, they’re already walking back the way they came from, away from Hongdae and towards the car. Time passes and brings with it a self-imposed finality. Because Sangah promised herself she’d tell Kihyun before the night was over. But the night has no regard for the nerves that fester in her stomach, despite how she still laughs and holds Kihyun’s hand and leans into his warmth.

If this goes badly? Then this, right now, will be all she’ll ever have. And she’s starting to realize just how much that is going to break her heart.

When the car comes into view, Kihyun gestures vaguely at it and says, “Your carriage awaits.”

Sangah curtsies, a hand on her skirt fanning it out, “Thank you, my Prince,” she teases and smiles at him when he opens the door for her, melting onto the seat once she’s inside. _ Ugh_. This warmth. She focuses on that, for now, even if it might hurt later.

The little display between them reads 10:37. He wasn’t kidding about that back home at eleven thing, huh…

She picks at her lip and then chastises herself silently, reapplying her lip gloss just as Kihyun gets into the car. She avoids eye contact and quickly puts the little tube back in her bag. _ Calm down, dear lord _.

“So… Said I’d keep you updated, right?” Sangah starts, leaning her head back on the seat and tilting it towards him with a small smile. “The _ best _.”

Kihyun pauses and blinks, looking at her. “Oh… That’s…” He glances away and then looks down at the keys like he can’t figure out what to do with them. “Thank you…” he mumbles, reaching over to insert them but not turning them. “So, you had fun?” he asks, glancing at Sangah as he leans back.

“Maybe I’m just a masochist,” Sangah teases and pokes Kihyun’s thigh. _ Thigh _. “Kidding… Yeah, I did. It was structured but like, spontaneous, too? The best.”

“That’s a very well constructed critic,” Kihyun laughs. He glances away again and swallows before he leans forward to twist the keys. “So… Can I hope for seconds?”

“Thought we already agreed on that. Coffee and Marvel movies.”

Kihyun shrugs and starts the car, “Just making sure.”

“You’re cute,” Sangah mumbles. “And nervous. Yes, I can tell.” _ Bitch, so are you what the fuck _. “You don’t have to be, I… like you…”

Kihyun pauses, both hands on the wheel, eyes front. But the car doesn’t move anywhere. It’s still parked. Kihyun breathes in slowly but clearly and then puffs the breath out. For a moment, Sangah just feels antsy, like she’s gone and said the complete wrong thing. But then Kihyun leans back and lets his hands down from the wheel.

“Can I kiss you?” he asks before he looks at Sangah.

Her brain just… fries. Red cheeks, smoke out of her ears, the whole ordeal. But her stomach flips and she stares at him all wide eyed, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water.

“I--” Sangah says and her voice breaks and it’s the _ worst _. 

Kihyun frowns a little, eyes searching her face. “Uhm, it’s okay… You can say no…”

Sangah feels her bottom lip tremble. “Don’t--Don’t change your mind…”

“Hey…” Kihyun says softly and reaches for Sangah’s hand. “Why would I…?”

“I’m--” Sangah feels her eyes burn and, shit, _ shit _ . “I’m not--” She looks away, looks down as the tears spill and she hopes her hair is hiding it all. “I’m not a _ girl _, I mean--I am! But not--not in the way--in the way I should be and I don’t want you to regret it or--or look back at it with--” Sangah sniffs in a small breath. “I--I wasn’t born a girl, Ki, I’m sorry, I didn’t--didn’t want to tell you but--”

“Sangah,” Kihyun mumbles. “You didn’t answer my question… Can I kiss you?”

Sangah turns her face to him, face full of tears, and hair that she reaches up to move out of the way--does a bit of a terrible job of it--“You--You still want to?”

Kihyun is looking down at their hands. “When I saw you for the first time, I saw a girl. When I saw you that second time, I saw an interesting girl. Third time? A girl I’d like to get to know better. And now--” Kihyun looks up and sighs softly. “A girl I’d like to… date. The rest doesn’t really matter because, in here,” Kihyun reaches out and points at Sangah’s chest. “You are a girl. And in my eyes, you are a girl.” He smiles small. “It’s not like I didn’t know. I figured that’d be the case, especially after Shownu’s gathering.”

Sangah blinks, a few more tears falling loose. “You--You thought and you still--” Sangah melts, pouting before she nods. “Then yes... Please…”

Kihyun looks down for a moment and then tugs a little at Sangah’s hand to pull her closer, looks up when his other hand moves to cup her face under her ear. And it’s soft when their lips press. A little wet, with all the crying. But soft. And Kihyun smells so good, like make-up and perfume.

She’s not sure if her heart has completely just… stopped beating, or if it’s never beat this much before in her life. But she presses back softly against Kihyun’s lips, hand coming up to grip lightly at his arm.

When Kihyun pulls away, it’s just a little. His nose still brushes against Sangah’s and their foreheads touch, his eyes still on her lips as she smiles soft. He looks up when he soothes his thumb on her cheek and then shifts just enough to kiss her forehead, lips pressing against her bangs.

“There’s…” Kihyun mumbles. “There’s stuff we will probably have to talk about, eventually. Like anything else. But right now this is fine. We don’t need to talk about anything. Okay?”

Sangah nods before pushing a little against his forehead. Her heart is still… so damn loud. “Okay…” She sniffs a little and leans back, a small giggle bursting out of her. “So--sorry, that was just… another first.”

“Silly,” Kihyun says with a soft smile. “And now you’re starting to look like a racoon… I think I know what I’m offering you for Christmas.”

“Oh god,” Sangah laughs and brings the little sun visor down, opening the little mirror. “Oh nooooooooo…”

“Hey, at least it happened now,” Kihyun jokes, “Imagine it was at the beginning…”

“I knew I was gonna do this, I should have put on waterproof makeup oh my god,” Sangah laughs and wipes under her eyes. It helps a little. She looks over though and--_ ugh, so pretty _\--leans in for another soft peck before falling back. “Okay, we can go now.”

Kihyun is actually blushing a little, but he laughs softly and lets out a breath. “I’ll offer you make-up for Christmas. What colours do you like? And what type of eyeliner? Liquid?”

Sangah looks over at him with a playful glare. “I’m on a budget, literally anything is an improvement. But… earthy tones and yes, liquid. Makes a better--” She copies the movement with her hand. “Swish.”

Kihyun laughs and turns the wheel as he pulls the car into the driveway. “Noted. Ah, by the way, when is your birthday?”

“26th of January, it’s--” Sangah flails around for a second. “Oh my god, it’s your birthday in like! Four days!”

“That it is,” Kihyun nods. “Those twenty five, sneaking up on me like that… Terrible.”

“Oh, shush, you look sixteen,” Sangah says, smacking at him lightly. Because shit, that went as well as it possibly could have, didn’t it? And now Sangah just feels as light as a feather. '_I see a girl I want to date.' I’m gonna die. _ “Do you have plans?”

“Besides work?” Kihyun chuckles, glances over. “Nope.” He looks at the road again. “Will probably be at the studio until, uhm, six? Seven? And if the guys are free, we usually go out for dinner. But if you wanna indulge me, then I’ll kick them and go with you, obviously.”

“You’re terrible,” Sangah cackles. “You barely know me!”

“Exactly,” Kihyun says. “I want to get to know you better. Those idiots? I know them far too well. And I’m sure they won’t miss me.”

“You give them too little credit, but…” Sangah pokes at Kihyun’s thigh. She can’t stop _ smiling _. “I’m happy to indulge you.”

Kihyun licks his lips and nods, “Then, I’ll bring the carriage with me to pick you up. Is eight okay for you?”

“Any time at all,” Sangah says, so damn happy. Nobody is supposed to be this happy at one point in time, they’d explode. “A girl you’d like to date, huh? Smooooth.”

Kihyun sighs but his ears are _ red. _ “Using my words against me, I see… Truly, an evil.”

“Juuust making sure I wasn’t hearing things,” Sangah giggles. 

“Let’s see how it goes, then. Who knows, you might hate me in the long run,” Kihyun jokes.

“Sounds fake, but okay.”

“So does vegan cheese but people still eat it.”

“Deep. Can I expect that lyric in the new album?”

Kihyun barks a laugh. “Somehow, I knew you were going to say that.”

“Oh, _ no _ , I’m becoming predictable,” Sangah gasps. “Maybe _ you’ll _ hate _ me _in the long run…”

“Doubt so.”

Sangah rolls her eyes and looks away, mostly so she has the courage to say, “Come on, take me home, I wanna kiss you some more.”

It’s silent for a moment. And then Kihyun says, “See? How could I hate you?” 


	2. Part 2: Fit In

It still feels like a dream. Even when they tease and talk and laugh all the way home, it still feels like a dream.

But Sangah’s dreams were never this warm. They never go this well or feel this natural and light. Because Kihyun didn’t know. He _thought _it, but that didn’t stop him from asking for her number or saying all those nice things, holding her hand, calling her beautiful and cute, checking that she eats and wishing her goodnight.

It didn't stop him from calling her princess.

It’s so, so warm that Sangah can’t stop smiling. 

Yes, Kihyun is an idol. Yes, Sangah has a bunch of gifs and memes and pictures of him on her phone, all of Spectrum's songs downloaded and memorized. But that Kihyun is not who holds her hand all the way home. They look the same, smile the same, talk the same. But there’s a divide in her head between the boy she’d seen on stage all those months ago, and the one who’d kissed her in a parked car near Hongdae. 

A divide, but not a separation. Because idol Kihyun is as much who he is as this person she’s getting to know, getting to really, _really _like.

She fumbles a little with the keys before pushing the door open, reaching for the light switch before standing aside to let Kihyun walk in.

Sangah really likes her flat. It’s small, but it’s just what she needs, and she doesn’t have to be _scared _ of her family walking in and catching her doing something they disapprove of. She doesn’t have to hide the cute little plushies or the fluffy pink blanket she uses as a throw for her couch. And can have as many damn fairy lights as she wants. It's _her_ flat.

The walls are white except for one that’s pink and covered in white doodles. She still can’t believe she found baby pink chalkboard paint, what a win.

The bedroom is dark purple, and yes, she got herself those goddamn glow in the dark stars for her roof. She always wanted them and now there's no one to tell her it's childish and too girly.

The bookcase, in the living room, is one of her favourite things as well, shelves full of albums (of various bands, but mostly Spectrum, to be honest). She has a little calender from _Polychrome_, a bunch of random merch... Her photocards (mostly Kihyun…) are displayed in a frame next to it, hanging from little pins (that pin to the plastic covering _around _the photocard, obviously, she’s not a monster) attached to rope. It’s a little embarrassing, but whatever. It’s like collecting one Pokemon over and over again. _Kihyun, I choose you!_

“Welcome,” Sangah says a little shyly, with a little gesture. “To my humble abode.”

Kihyun says, “Sorry for the intrusion,” under his breath as he walks in and glances around. He looks at his feet, then, though. “Should I take my shoes off?”

“Uhm, please?” Sangah says as she slips hers off. Good thing she painted her toenails, too. _Good thing_ Kihyun notices when he glances over and smiles.

“Those look pretty,” he says, toes at his shoes to take them off without untying the laces. He leans down to pick them up and place them neatly by the wall.

“Thanks,” Sangah says and keeps glancing around, feeling a little self-conscious. Blegh. “Do you... Want a tour? It’s not much…”

Kihyun huffs a laugh and shrugs. “If you want, then I’d like one, yes.”

“Right, uhm, this is--” Sangah gestures to her computer. “Where I work. Ta-dah,” she does little jazz hands. “There is.. Still an empty cup of coffee here, great,” she takes the cup and Kihyun chuckles. “Hah. The keyboard is a rainbow, that’s pretty cool. Do you play games?”

“Sometimes,” Kihyun nods. “Joo’s girlfriend loves beating my ass at those.”

“I knew Jooheon had a girlfriend but they’re very private. Glad to hear that, though,” Sangah scoffs and starts walking to her kitchen to put the cup down.

“Maybe someday you’ll get to meet her. I’m starting to think you’ll like her.”

“Think she’ll like me?” Sangah asks and turns on her kitchen light. It’s open plan, and the only place she can eat is with the little nook. She has two bar stools, at least. “This is the kitchen,” Sangah says like it’s not obvious, putting her cup down in the sink. “Where I make the noms. And the bean.”

“Hm, the bean,” Kihyun says, squints and then laughs. “And yeah. I think she’ll want to adopt you.”

Sangah laughs softly--_why are you _still _so nervous_\--and glances around, desperate for something to talk about. “Oh! My schedule is on here--” Sangah points at her fridge full of little magnets and a calendar filled with scribbles. “I have many weird cups--” Sangah opens her cupboard and gestures to all the different coloured, themed cups. One has the Ravenclaw sigil, the other a cat reading a book, etc etc. “Oh! Which house are you? I’m Ravenclaw.” She points to the cup before letting her hand fall. “Er, obviously.”

“Hufflepuff,” Kihyun nods. “Though I’m a very competitive Hufflepuff, if poked.”

“Hufflepuffs are seriously underappreciated,” Sangah nods, wiping her hands off on her skirt. Sweaty. “Think you would have played Quidditch?”

“Oh,” Kihyun nods, “Yep, definitely.”

“Wanted to say--” Sangah looks down, blushing with a laugh. “You look like a Keeper.”

Kihyun’s face scrunches up but he smiles and shivers, “Ah, cheesy!” When the shiver stops, he raises his hand a little, though, and wiggles his fingers. “Show me more?”

Sangah swallows a little and moves closer, taking his hand. “Right, that’s better,” she mumbles and pulls him out of the kitchen and to her signature bookcase, gesturing with their hands to the Spectrum shelf and jokes, “Look, I’m supporting your entire band on my lonesome. I think I’m literally 10% of your income.”

Kihyun huffs a laugh. “Considering I’ll be spoiling you tons, I’d say it’s a good investment on your behalf.”

“Unfortunately, I just had to buy this calendar and support those pesky little fansites,” Sangah sighs. “Pretty, though.”

“Ah, the fansites… Some are nice.”

Sangah nods and tugs him along, to the wall. “I doodle things on here when I’m sad,” she says, gestures to the random little white flowers, words, phrases, chibis, etc. “And--” _My bedroom is right through here, sir. Whelp. Not like that! _So she just silently tugs him along to her bedroom and turns on the light. Good thing she made her bed. “Where I spend, like, way too much time.”

“Purple,” Kihyun says, glancing over and pointing between his hair and the bedroom.

Sangah rolls her eyes fondly. “It was my favourite color _before _you came along, y’know.”

“Who knows,” Kihyun says, looks up and grins a little. “Ah… stars. That’s so cute...”

“Always wanted them in my bedroom but my mom said it was for girls,” Sangah rolls her eyes. “Stupid.” She squeezes his hand and turns her face to look at him--_Ah, too close! _She quickly looks away, flushing bright. “I’ve always liked stars, though…”

“Hm,” Kihyun hums, “Any reason in particular?”

“Because we can still see their shine even after they’re long gone, dead. And it’s still beautiful.”

Kihyun hums again and then reaches back with his hand to flick the lights off. The little stars of different sizes glow bright, and Sangah barely feels how close Kihyun is until he softly pushes her hair back, over her shoulder and cups at one side of her face, kissing her.

The warmth in her chest feels like a damn inferno, and yet, Kihyun also feels like a cool breeze.

Sangah sighs softly against his lips and lets her back lean against the wall, entirely unsure what to do with her hands before just gripping at the sides of Kihyun’s jacket. She’s really never kissed anyone before, but it’s difficult to feel insecure when Kihyun kisses her this tenderly.

She pulls away for breath, feels her eyes fluttering a little before she brings her arms up around Kihyun’s shoulders and leans in against, pulling him closer. She can feel his chest against hers and suddenly wants to go back and just smack Past Sangah over the head and yell, ‘_yes, put the boobs on!_’. It’s not _hers_, but it still presses against him and she can feel that pressure and it makes her head spin a little.

Kihyun moves his lips a little, slowly, softly, both hands coming to rest lightly by Sangah’s waist. Part of her brain screams because her waist isn’t slim, or thin, but the other part of her brain is too preoccupied with trying to figure out this whole _kissing _thing. 

She moves her lips against his but giggles a little and leans back, cheeks flushes and voice soft, “I don’t know what I’m doing…”

“That’s okay,” Kihyun huffs a laugh and nuzzles in, their noses rubbing. “It’s pretty much instinct, actually, I don’t think there’s any science behind it.”

“So I’m doing okay..?” Sangah asks, eyes down on his lips. They’re so damn _pouty_.

“You’re doing okay…”

“Okay,” Sangah says and leans in again for a soft kiss, before moving her lips again and--instinct, right? Because when Kihyun reciprocates, her entire body melts and she clings a little to him as she leans against the wall for _stability_.

Kihyun pulls away, though, but quickly leans in to kiss the corner of Sangah’s lips, her cheek and then her nose. “I think you should sit somewhere… The sofa looked comfy…?” 

Sangah groans a little in embarrassment, pressing her face against his shoulder even as she peeks her eyes open and walks them backwards into the living room. “Shut up, I’m soft…”

“I know, your skin is soft,” Kihyun teases.

“I _moisturize_,” Sangah teases back before her legs hit the sofa and she tumbles backwards, pulling Kihyun down with her with a giggle. “Whoops… Your turn, I guess?”

“To _what!” _Kihyun asks as he laughs, both hands up like he doesn’t know what to touch.

Sangah laughs, giddy. “Fall on me,” she says, softly, takes one of Kihyun’s hands and brings it closer to her hair at the side of her head before pressing her cheek against his palm. There’s no way she’s going to stop blushing anytime soon, or that her heart will calm down, not with Kihyun over her like this.

“I think you’ll like me much better if I fall _for _you rather than _on _you,” Kihyun chuckles, leans in to rub their noses together.

“I quite like the idea of both,” Sangah teases softly, tilting her chin up for a small kiss before leaning back down, trying to look all innocent about it.

Kihyun narrows his eyes and sighs, cheeks pink. “You’re going to be the end of me… I can feel it. And, for some reason, I am totally okay with it.” He thumbs at her cheek for a moment and then moves his hand and thumb at her bottom lip, softly. “You really are pretty… Even when you’re crying, make-up all smudged.”

Sangah pouts against his thumb (which, _ashfgsdhjfgj_) and nuzzles her cheek slightly into her own hair. “You’re gonna be the end of me, too, if you keep saying things like that…”

“What, the truth?” Kihyun asks, grinning a little before leaning down and replacing the slight pressure of his thumb with the lighter pressure of his lips. And this time, he does lie down, half onto the sofa, half over Sangah, hand moving to her ear and combing her hair back.

It sends a small shiver down her spine but she tries not to shiver herself, hands on Kihyun’s waist under the jacket but over the t-shirt that suddenly feels so thin. She’s--She’s really making out with a boy right now, oh god. A boy who just happens to be one of the prettiest boys she’s ever seen. Who knows about her! And still wants to kiss her!

Suddenly, though, her brain fries again (just how many times--) when she feels Kihyun’s tongue run over the seam of her lips. Sangah gasps softly and leans back with wide eyes, blinking, processing, cheeks an impressive red, finds Kihyun blinking at her, face pink.

Sangah swallows and brings her hand up to the back of Kihyun’s neck to pull him closer again as she breathes, “Show me…”

And Kihyun does. He sighs softly when their lips meet again. He presses his thumb a little against her chin and, when she parts her lips, licks into her mouth, just a poke at her tongue.

Sangah had always seen people kiss like this on TV, in movies, and sort of frowned at the idea. Like… what is so nice about having someone else’s tongue in their mouth?

And yet, Sangah’s heart tightens in her chest and she does the same, pressing her tongue against Kihyun’s, hand gripping lightly at his hair. Because this is not just _someone else_. Imagining Hyungwon’s tongue in her mouth? God, no. Some random guy? Also, no. This, though? This is just… making her body melt despite everything. Which means it's not just someone else. And she’s glad, she’s so, _so _happy she told Kihyun. Because that means every little movement and press and touch is sincere, is for _her _and not the idea of it all. It means that in whatever capacity they’re in at the moment, Kihyun accepts her, and wants this, too. It’s not some automatic thing that’s going to rid her of all her insecurities or boundaries, but it means she’s comfortable with whatever _this_, whatever _right now_ turns out to become.

They kiss. And that’s all there is to it.

When Kihyun pulls away, though, he presses his forehead on her shoulder and sighs. “I should probably go…”

Maybe in another life, Sangah would have asked Kihyun to stay.

“You’ll… text me, right..? I’ll see you again?”

Kihyun leans back and smiles, “Of course. I’ll text you when I get home. And tomorrow. And every day unless I’m really busy.”

Sangah feels her chest warm and it reaches her eyes, knows how soft they must be when she smiles at him, nods. “I’ll miss you…”

“I’ll miss you, too,” Kihyun says, leans in to kiss Sangah’s forehead and then gets up. “Don’t forget, though, we’re on for my birthday.”

Sangah sits up, doesn’t even bother trying to rectify her hair, she knows a lost cause when she sees it in the mirror. “_We’re on_. Sounds like we’re gonna duel.”

“Maybe we are,” Kihyun says, turns to walk to the entrance. “Little knives, over the table,” he says, leans against the wall as he puts his shoes on.

Sangah giggles and crosses her arms over the back of the couch, running her eyes over Kihyun. Seriously! Those jeans! “I’m gonna go make some really vague tweet about you in jeans once you leave…”

Kihyun scoffs. “I’m…” He grins a little and shakes his head, reaches back for the door. “You’ll see.”

“I’ll _see_? Oooh, promising…”

Kihyun opens the door and turns, spins a little around it to be on its other side and face Sangah. He waves, “Bye bye. Thank you for today!”

Sangah waves small and keeps her eyes on the door as it closes. She melts over her couch then and down it to the floor, hands to her face. “_Oh my god_…” 

She stays on the floor for a minute before scrambling up in one second, to some outsider probably looking insane, and running to her bag on the kitchen counter, finds her phone, locks the door and starts stripping (need pajamas, now) as the phone rings. It really is just habit at this point, but Hyungwon has to _know_.

It connects. And the first thing she hears is--

“Who do I have to kill?!”

Sangah squeals. “It was perfect!”

“I practically co-wrote How To Get Away Wi--Wait. _What?”_

“Hyungwon, it was--” Sangah walks into her bedroom and finds her pajamas, throws her clothes in the washing basket. “I can’t words!”

“Oh… Did--Does he know, then?”

“I--” Sangah unhooks her bra and it’s really funny, actually, when it plops to the floor and she has to pick it up to stuff it back into her top drawer. “Heh. Yes, I told him. End of the night, though, it was--Stressful? I cried a bit…”

“Oh… Look, I’m actually a bit surprised here. Not because, not because, you know, but because he’s a _straight _cis idol. And usually, I don’t know. Men in general, Sangah. _Men. _I am one, being gay doesn’t exclude me.”

“This coming from a gay man is just great,” Sangah laughs. “Yeah, that’s what worried me, too?” Sangah continues, quickly pulling her sleeping shirt over her head. “Like, he is all 100% straight so I was like ‘ahahah oh shit’, but apparently he kind of knew? Or, well, strongly suspected even before he asked for my number, or asked me on this date. I literally started spilling the tea and the tears because he asked if he could _kiss me_. Kiss, Hyungwon!”

“Ugh…” Hyungwon groans. “I am still so _suspicious._ I’m happy for you but so suspicious. Ugh! Why can’t you like girls, Sangah!”

Sangah pouts. “Girls can be mean, too, don’t be like that… I trust him. He told me stuff, you know? Trust worthy stuff.”

“It’s true, girls are snakes. Especially in this neighborhood of mine. _Those little--_Anyway!” Hyungwon sighs. “Did he spill his darkest secrets?”

“Kind of. Stuff that would reeeeally blow up in his face if I told people, which, I’m not. Not even your ass, sorry,” Sangah says, stepping into her fluffy sleeping pants and socks and then walking to the bathroom. _Stupid make-up_. “He… just left my flat, by the way…”

“Your… Your flat.”

“I felt bad for crying through our first kiss, so…”

“Please, _please,_ tell me you didn’t suck his dick to make it up to him.”

Sangah almost drops her phone, “What?! No!” she flushes, putting the phone on speakerphone and on the counter. “Hyungwon, this is our first date, I’m not--! No!” 

“I know, apologies,” Hyungwon mumbles.

“I mean, if he asked--” Sangah scoffs. “Kidding, kidding.” 

“Woman… I will maim you.”

“Shush. We just…” Sangha shrugs at her reflection as she starts wiping off her make-up, her raccoon eyes. “Made out. A bit. Okay, a lot.”

“Hm…” Hyungwon hums. “So… you’re seeing him again?”

“On his birthday, yeah…”

“Should I… stay in the bush? With a cap, a long coat, sunglasses…”

“Why, do you wanna watch us make out?” Sangah giggles, literally sees herself blush in the mirror. _Never gonna stop, huh_...

“Gross, no. Wait. Waaaaaait… So, hear me out,” Hyungwon shifts.

“Oh god.”

“No. _Listen._ If you start dating Yoo Kihyun, that means you’ll probably meet his friends. And… And Wonho is his friend. And I’m your friend. So, like, do you follow me, Sangah?”

“I have one date and you already wanna exploit the possibilities, yes, I follow you,” Sangah scoffs, shaking her head.

“I’d do it for you…”

“Sigh,” she says, and sighs. “I know. Look--if--_if_, I start dating Kihyun--” _Ahahahaha oh god_. “--Then yes, you’re my best friend and I’d invite you to shit Wonho might be at.”

“Im Sangah, you’re an angel.”

“I know. You and your dick owe me.”

“My dick doesn’t owe you squat. _Now._ Alright, I’ll trade. You can scream about Yoo Kihyun all you want. Go on.”

“Good. Because _I made out with him!_” Sangah laughs and jumps on the spot, putting her things away and wiping her face with a towel. “He calls me Princess! And raccoon! We have inside jokes and he’s so, so sweet!”

“One sec, gotta throw up real quick--Go on.”

“I need to find some Kihyun fanboys,” Sangah laughs, leaving the bathroom and doing the rounds to turn off all her lights before plopping into bed and wiggling in under the covers. “Oh! Oh, by the way! I heard the new title song! It’s so good!”

“I’m mad at the privilege… What’s it about?”

“You’re--” Sangah squints into the darkness. “You’re not gonna tell anyone, right? I’m serious, Hyungwon.”

“Who would I tell, Sangah?”

“Your near twenty thousand twitter followers, _Hyungwon_.”

Hyungwon hums. “I swear on our sacred friendship that I won’t type it anywhere or tell anyone.”

“Good,” Sangah nuzzles into her bed. “It’s about… being remembered. Being unforgettable. I think that’s what he said it was called, too. It sounds different, really different, but it’s nice… Fits ‘Yellow’.”

“Right. I really thought it would be ‘Red’ next.”

“Me too! They’re trying to one up us or something. Oooh, I should ask Kihyun if he has an account to snoop… He probably does…”

Hyungwon sighs and goes quiet for a moment. When he sighs again he mumbles, “Say… Does he really treat you right?”

“Yeah,” Sangah pouts. “He… beginning of the night, he told me to tell him if anything he does makes me uncomfortable. He’s really considerate and says so many nice things about me, I almost can’t believe what I hear half the time…”

“Yeah…” Hyungwon sighs again.

“So suspicious,” Sangah scoffs. “Aish.”

“I hate seeing you cry, you know that. It’s nasty and you dirty all my shirts.”

“And drink all your beer, don’t forget that bit.”

“Yes. I just--Please, be careful, okay?”

“I know, I know,” Sangha says. “I even told him I won’t let him get away with shit just because he’s an idol, so don’t worry too much…”

“Alright,” Hyungwon says. “Do you… like him? Like, like-like him…”

A pause. She knows the answer, but she still pauses. “Yeah, I do.”

“Okay, then…” A moment. “I shall remind you, though, that I totally co-wrote How To Get Away With Murder. So, just hit me up if you need my services.”

Sangah scoffs. “I doubt you’d even be able to beat him at arm wrestling… Totally kicked Mark’s ass.”

“He did?!”

“At _arm wrestling_, don’t get too excited.”

“Damn, Yoo Kihyun… Almost made my heart skip for a moment. _Almost.”_

“What? Not like Wonho would hurt a damn fly. Even with those… _Arms_.”

“Art, Sangah. It’s art.”

\---

Kihyun turns off the car and feels his shoulders slump when he sighs. His head tips forward and his forehead hits the wheel, pressing against the horn and making it blow loud and clear, echoing through the garage and making Kihyun jump where he sits.

The fear-thoughts loop around in his mind, shoving against the giddy ones in a storm until there is no room for anything else. Because he really went and did it. He went and asked if he could kiss the girl and she said yes. And for the rest of today, which won’t be long, that’s all he’s going to be thinking about.

When he manages to pull his dormant body out of the car, his head feels like it’s swimming in a pool of feelings. Because, the truth is, Sangah is mysteriously cute, beautiful even, soft spoken until she laughs or has a nail to pick at. And when she talks it’s like, _how dare you say the right thing?_

It’s not common to be able to hold a conversation with someone and have their answers fit into every question like a puzzle. Especially not with the life Kihyun leads. He’s more than just a face, more than just a voice, more than what he shows. And compared to the image people have of him, he’s just as flawed as any guy his age.

He wanders home, ignores Wonho on the couch, who shifts to offer him chips. Kihyun takes the whole pack and hears Wonho shout a, “Hey!”, walks to his bedroom and falls over the bed with the pack of chips. Kihyun isn’t even hungry. He has no idea why he brought the chips with him, but he reaches for one and nibbles on it, flopping around to stare at the ceiling.

_Stars…_

Kihyun nibbles and frowns at the ceiling. “What was the name…” He lets himself melt and fall onto the floor, reaches for his drawer and brings out his notebook, pen marking the middle. “Hey, Hoho?” he calls.

A few seconds later, Wonho’s face, featuring puppy dog eyes, peeks into his bedroom. “‘Lo?”

Kihyun brings the pack of chips from the bed to the floor next to him. “Sit with me?”

Wonho walks in and sits down, sneaking a few chips into his hand. He just sits, though. Wonho probably knows about the date, but he’s too nice to pry, even if Kihyun knows he’s a hopeless romantic that wants every detail.

“Remember that song we couldn’t find lyrics for it in time?” Kihyun asks, flips through his notebook until he opens a blank page. He pulls at the pen and click it, writes, ‘In The Stars’ at the top. “Think we can work on something tomorrow? I have an idea.” 

“Sure…” Wonho nibbles. “I take it as a good sign that you just came back from a date all inspired?”

Kihyun feels his face go a little red. He presses the pen against the paper and draws a little star without lifting the tip. “I think so…? I…” He sighs. “Ever meet someone and you feel like… You just fit? Be it a friend or… someone you like….”

“I hope to…” Wonho says, and Kihyun can feel Wonho’s eyes on him. “I assume you did..?”

“I know it’s not going to make any sense to you but I’m starting to think… A few things had to happen the way they did for me to get here and… Hell,” Kihyun huffs a laugh. “Maybe this is just another thing that has to happen. But it’s like…” He points at the title he just wrote and glances at Wonho. “Like that.”

Wonho blinks at the title. “What, like fate?”

Kihyun pouts. “If you laugh I’ll kick you.”

“I’m not gonna laugh!” Wonho says, as he laughs, but for the right reason, at least. “I’m just… Surprised. I’ve never heard you talk like this.”

“Because I never talk like this,” Kihyun scoffs. _Barely think like this. Unless I let myself._

“Damn,” Wonho whistles lowly and smiles wide, shakes a little at Kihyun’s arm. “Who _is _this girl?! What has she done to Yoo Kihyun?!”

Kihyun chuckles and slaps Wonho’s hand away. “Oh, shut it.” He melts back against the side of his bed. “Where are the others?”

“Joo went over to Dior’s, and… No idea about the others, actually,” Wonho shrugs, uncaring.

“Hm,” Kihyun hums, scribbles, ‘If you ever feel lost with nowhere to go’, “Tell me a word that rhymes with ‘stay’...” A pause. “Way?” He nods, scribbles. “Way works.”

“You’re… Really lyric-ing right now, wow,” Wonho says, leaning over to read. “Aw, you drew a little star…”

“That’s me,” Kihyun mumbles, pointing at the star, “And this…” He draws a half circle, gives it a mask and a long nose, “Is a raccoon.”

Wonho makes a face of confusion and amusement. “Since when do you like raccoons?”

“Since Joo took me to that café with the animals and I got assaulted by one,” Kihyun mutters.

“You--” Wonho ruffles Kihyun’s hair. “Make no sense. It’s great.”

Kihyun smiles small. He counts down a few lines and then writes, ‘I got a feeling that it was written in the stars’. Because it has to be, right? The reason why Kihyun met Jooheon, who became one of his best friends before telling Kihyun what he did when he was home alone, before he introduced Kihyun to his mysterious girlfriend who only had a name and no face in Kihyun’s mind for a very long time... Maybe it all had to happen for Kihyun to be here right now, writing about this girl he likes. It might not make much sense to most people, but it makes sense to him. It makes sense that he had to learn, had to grow so he could be here right now.

Because if this is all a bunch of coincidences--_Nah._ Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Thrice is--written in the stars.

“Here, add something to that,” Kihyun says as he passes Wonho the notebook and the pen and reaches inside his jacket for his phone. 

He goes to his gallery, selects one of the pictures Sangah had sent him and sets it as home screen wallpaper. _Yep, heart attacks incoming every time I unlock this shit, now._

Wonho reads through everything before tilting his head and scribbling something down, handing it back over.

_(bridge?)_

_If you ever get stuck with nowhere to run_

_When you're covered in clouds, I'll show you the sun_

_Our time to shine, we've just begun_

“Oh, I like that,” Kihyun smiles. He glances at his phone. It’s late, but he promised. So, he opens his chat with Sangah and flops to the side on the floor. “Leave me now, gotta swoon,” Kihyun says as he presses a foot against Wonho’s arm.

“Swoon? Aw man I wanna see that,” Wonho laughs, tipping over.

“Nooooo,” Kihyun whines, “Go awaaaay…”

“Aiiish, fine,” Wonho says, getting up and giving Kihyun a little nudge with his foot. “Better tell me all about it soon, ‘kay? I’m dying here.”

“Hmhm,” Kihyun says, wobbling a little as he turns to his other side and peeks under the bed before rolling under it but not quite--he’s not that small.

Hello!!! I’m home  
Didn’t get kidnapped by aliens  
Are you still awake?  
lil raccoon  
Hi!!!!! (Purple Heart )  
Yep yep been on the youtubes, chatting to the fanboy  
Glad you’re home safe  
(I’ll be really mad if the aliens take you, I just got you :<)  
Ugh  
You got me  
That’s cute  
lil raccoon  
Yep!!! I’m very clingy  
In the physical sense not the  
Y’know  
But still  
#hold  
Now I’m regretting leaving  
lil raccoon  
Well these are very fluffy pjs soooooooo  
You’d let me hold you in the fluffy pjs?  
lil raccoon  
Would be sad if you didn’t (Purple Heart )  
Why wouldn’t I?  
Best dates are stay at home dates with snacks, movies and nothing to do  
lil raccoon  
aaaah so that’s what we were doing before you left  
‘nothing’  
It’s a great kind of nothing  
But I mean not having anywhere else to be  
lil raccoon  
ehehe yeah that does sound nice~  
Tonight was still a lot of fun, though…. Really  
Best first date ever  
Gonna have to take you on all the other dates so mine can be the best  
lil raccoon  
Gonna just have to, I guess~  
I do have one complaint tho…  
One teeeeny tiny problem :<  
And what is that?  
lil raccoon  
You didn’t call me princess….. :<  
I didn’t?  
Oh no  
That is grave indeed…  
lil raccoon  
:<<<  
The pouts are strong……  
But I will forgive you  
Once™  
I’ll kiss you to make up for it?  
lil raccoon  
.........  
[](https://thumbs.gfycat.com/AmpleScientificAnole-max-1mb.gif)  
Mood  
I’m all feels for you  
lil raccoon  
skjdghdjfgh stop it I have raccoon stickers and I’m not afraid to use ‘em  
[](https://media.tenor.com/images/1920e9122a3a5126fdf010b49417ded4/tenor.gif)  
lil raccoon  
[](https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UbYL73KIpvY/WP6sAWELDaI/AAAAAAAHhGw/GFycMqTOgtYwLusn2bvGTJDyd3ckZvWLACLcB/s1600/AS002547_03.gif)  
You should go sleep skdjghkfjg  
[](https://data.whicdn.com/images/286629898/original.gif)  
And yeah I should  
But I don’t wanna  
lil raccoon  
This bear has so much game…..  
It’s Shownu  
lil raccoon  
PFFFFFFF  
Shownu wishes ahahah  
Oh NO now I’m imagining Shownu with the flower andkj dhfgjfhg  
Didn’t you have a crush on him before?  
lil raccoon  
Yeah in HIGH SCHOOL  
We don’t speak of high school  
So I shall let it go  
lil raccoon  
[](http://pm1.narvii.com/7037/aaaa7b0dedaa5bb64e133663bb1f0e6db1e90629r1-374-344v2_uhq.jpg)  
Hmmmmm much to think about…  
Shit.  
Sometimes I forget I’m famous and that my life is OUT THERE  
lil raccoon  
:<< I’m sowwy  
I have high school me to offer as a peace offering…..  
If you don’t run away that is  
Why would I  
lil raccoon  
...  
This is TRUST  
Here, I found this on my old instagram  
[](http://pm1.narvii.com/6100/697ee2ee30ebed65fd3ee30f66c8796f4abae518_hq.jpg)  
Not to be straight™ but THAT GLOW UP  
lil raccoon  
asdfghjhkjh it’s 100% the hair nothing else has changed djkgjfhg  
I know or I don’t but like  
This is psychological okay? Pls bear with me  
lil raccoon  
:> I am…  
Went through the whole of high school thinking I was just  
Real Gay™ so  
Yes, glow up  
So Shownu was like a gay crush?  
lil raccoon  
Yeppp  
That’s why he said no to my confession  
Right…  
lil raccoon  
Sorry asjdfjh  
NONONO   
Look it’s  
My brain struggles  
But that’s okay  
It’s fine  
And I loved today and I like you so…  
That’s what matters  
lil raccoon  
:< I’m emo  
And it’s okay, it’s  
Nice to be open about it but I get it  
I used to, uhm, well I  
Dressed up in my mom’s clothes and found this cheap ass wig  
Sad, I know  
I’m curious about thing tho  
Although I’m not sure I should ask… ugh  
lil raccoon  
Pls do?  
I know that’s not the usual answer to stuff like this but  
I don’t mind if I know you don’t???  
Trust me, I’ve been the ‘informer’ for my entire friend group  
I don’t mind  
Ah no, actually that’s fine I mean  
Are you on the  
What are they called  
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh GOOGLE HELP  
lil raccoon  
Hormones? Lol  
Yeah. Just a few months now, though, so there’s been almost no actual affect yet but  
I’m hopeful!!!  
And softer??  
My hands agree  
And hm  
Okay so  
What do you usually do for Christmas?  
lil raccoon  
That has nothing to do with dsghfdjgh istg  
IIIIIIIIIII usually don’t do anything actually  
Like I said, me and the family don’t get along so  
It’s usually just Hyungwon and I, mocking bad Netflix Christmas movies  
It has everything to do with this  
There is someone I want you to meet  
But it might get busy until then  
So… Christmas, if you want  
lil raccoon  
Sure..?  
I mean, who is it?  
Joo’s girlfriend  
lil raccoon  
Oh! Right, you said you wanted me to uwu  
She’s like you  
lil raccoon  
what??? Seriously?????? (Astonished Face )(Astonished Face )(Astonished Face )  
Yeah which is why I’m  
Well kinda used to the subject  
But yes  
Also why everything is so hush hush with them  
lil raccoon  
Oh… That makes sense...  
Yeah, I’d really like to meet her, actually  
I’ve never actually met another trans girl before…  
Then I’ll make it happen  
lil raccoon  
:”>  
[](http://123emoji.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/sticker-2-217.png)  
Not to alarm you or anything but  
I’m kind of cry  
You’re just so nice…….  
????  
Just  
Ugh  
Can I call you?  
lil raccoon  
:< pls :<  
Okay  
1 sec  


Kihyun shifts and rolls onto his other side before getting up. He tosses the phone over the bed and shrugs off his jacket, stores it with along his jeans and rushes to the bathroom to throw the rest in the laundry basket, brush his teeth, wash his face, etc. _Getting into bed is a whole ritual, really._

Wonho is still in the living room. Probably fell asleep with the TV on again. So, Kihyun tiptoes by, peeks, sees Wonho asleep on the couch and moves the blanket from the back of the sofa over Wonho’s shoulders before tiptoeing back to the bedroom and closing the door.

Kihyun fetches a clean shirt and puts it on before getting in bed and plugging his phone to the charger. He taps over the call button and turns a little to look at the ceiling while it rings.

“Hey,” Sangah’s voice sounds from the other side of the phone, small and soft.

“Heeey,” Kihyun says back softly. 

“I’m sorry, I’m already--” a soft sniff. “Being such a handful.”

“You’re not,” Kihyun says. “You really aren’t.”

Another small sniff and a pause. “I…” she laughs softly. “Kind of lied a little… This wasn’t my first date, but it’s the first one that counts, so. Just a little…”

“Oh,” Kihyun blinks. “Okay. That’s fine. Do you…” The only difficult thing about this, really, is thinking about what to say. Not like Kihyun doesn’t have anything to say, much on the contrary, but if there’s one thing he’s learned, even before Sangah, is that words can be powerful cannonballs. “Do you wanna talk about it or…?” 

“Not really, I was just… Thinking about it? S’weird… About how nice you were and how… not nice, he was, I guess.”

Kihyun frowns at nothing in particular. “Well, you said it yourself. It doesn’t count. So, just think about the one that does.”

“I know, that’s why I’m like this!” Sangah whines around a small laugh. “Because you’re just--_so nice_. And when I remember how--how, ugh, disgusted that guy had looked when I told him, it just--You know?”

It’s not anger what bubbles in Kihyun’s chest, not really. It’s just a sprinkle of over-protectiveness. 

“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” he mumbles.

“Ah, it’s okay. Just… scared me off of the whole dating thing until, well, you.”

Kihyun smiles a little. “Now you’re stuck with me.”

A small pause, and her voice is so small again, when she speaks. “I’m happy with that…”

“Hey, think you can get me some of those stars so I can stick to my ceiling?” Kihyun asks, lifting a hand, finger up, eyes squinting to focus on his nail in the dark.

Sangah giggles. “I’ll buy you a bunch… Consider it a small birthday gift.”

“Sounds good,” Kihyun says as he turns on his side. “Are you in bed?”

“Yeah… Are you?”

“Yeah,” Kihyun breathes, fits the phone close to the pillow so he can hear and talk without having to hold it or plug the airpods. “Wanna talk until we fall asleep?”

Kihyun can practically hear the smile. “Knew you were a romantic…”

Kihyun laughs a little and whispers, “Shhh, don’t tell anyone.”

\---

How do you feel……..  
About staying in for your birthday……..  
Kihyun  
Your place?  
Yes…  
And yes I should have asked this BEFORE I built the pillowfort…  
Kihyun  
Pillowfort?   
Damn  
Okay ye  
Sounds good!!!  
Should I bring take away?  
Please….. I got way too distracted with the pillowfort….   
[](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-o5XhrKgnwSI/Ui-eqDdY2QI/AAAAAAAAErM/uXX6Ukb7LHY/s1600/IMG_3570.JPG)  
Kihyun  
I’m  
Yeah   
That sounds great  
I’m bringing food  
What do you want???  
You  
(ehehehe)  
*your birthday  
Shouldn’t you choose?  
Kihyun  
Then…  
CHICKEN!!!!!  
...  
PFFF of course  
Sorry it’s just  
AT THE OCEAN, KIHYUN?!  
Kihyun  
Chicken is GREAT anywhere at anytime  
Besides, it had seafood in it, too  
Yes, your evil cackles clearly said  
‘It had seafood in it, too’  
But anyway yes!!! Fried chicken!!!  
Ashjfgdsjgh i’m all excited ugh  
Kihyun  
Dakgangjeong?  
To get sticky fingers  
I shall keep wet wipes in the pillowfort, then lol  
But don’t let me distract you!!!   
Finish up and I’ll see you later (Purple Heart )(Purple Heart )(Purple Heart )  
Kihyun  
[](https://i.imgur.com/6fEImDd.png)  


\---

Three hours later, and Sangah is back to contemplating boobs. Why is this a habit all of a sudden? There are upsides, obviously, to the whole breast™ thing, but also… It’s not a very comfortable thing to wear for lying around in a pillowfort. And it feels kind of ridiculous to be wearing it with the fluffy pajamas she'll be wearing (that keep coming up in conversations). So, she leaves it.

The second time Kihyun saw her, at that hang out at Shownu’s, she hadn’t worn it (again, comfortable) so… There’s no need, really. Not… Not with him. He knows, it’s okay, he’s not going to judge Sangah for being (particularly, for a girl) flat chested.

Stupid hormones need to kick in already...

Two years until anything decent shows up. Yay.

This! This is why she should have been able to start this shit fresh into high school, but nooooo. _Grumble grumble_.

One day, though, Sangah will look her _breast_.

_Good one. _

She does her hair up. And lets it down. And up. And down. It’s a struggle. But, eventually, she settles on down. Mostly because she’s hoping Kihyun will take it as an open invitation to play with it. Dysphoria says, _put on a little makeup, at least_, so she does, just around her eyes, something that’ll make her lips taste like cherries.

And then she just keeps messing around with the pillow fort because it has to be _perfect_. Sangah is putting the present for Kihyun on the bed part of the pillowfort when the doorbell rings.

Her sleeves are huge, so she has to wiggle her arm a little to have a hand to unlock the door with before she opens it, opening her arms out wide with what she hopes is a cute smile. “Hewwo!”

Kihyun looks just--just _so cute_. And the worst part is, Sangah remembers seeing that oversized red hoodie on Kihyun before, for a stage he’d done with Wonho. But it looks so much fluffier and puffier in real life, especially paired with random, baggy sweatpants. Sangah wants to _hold_.

And even though Kihyun’s hair is styled up, just half falling over his forehead, he’s not wearing any make-up. Moles and freckles all over, nose and ears a little pink from the cold. He smiles and raises the bag in his hand. 

“I come with a peace offering,” he says.

Sangah gasps, reaching out for the bag. It smells _so good_. “There was a war?”

“I think there was a--” Kihyun walks in and quickly steps out of his sneakers, puts his bag down next to them. “Hm, what was it--” He grins as he turns to Sangah, hands coming for her waist to hold her. “Princess, was it?” Kihyun asks, looks down at her pajamas as she blushes and he thumbs at the fabric under his fingers, “These look so comfortable…” He looks up, “You look cute.”

Sangah pouts and leans in to press it to Kihyun’s cheek. “So do you,” she says, heart going crazy. If this is gonna keep happening, she’s gonna die _so young_. “Happy birthday, oppa.”

Kihyun blinks and smiles small before leaning in for a soft, short kiss on Sangah’s lips, “Thank you, princess…” he mumbles against her skin as he moves his lips to the side and kisses her cheek.

It makes her squirm so much her knees actually bend a little. “Come on,” she says, as means of self-preservation, as she leans back and tugs Kihyun with her hand, closing the door behind him.

“Ah,” Kihyun points at the bag with his free hand, “I’m, like, starving because I couldn’t have lunch so I bought ganjang-chikin, huraideu and yangnyeom.”

Sangah raises her eyebrows, walking to the kitchen and letting go of Kihyun’s sleeve once she reaches for two plates. “_Wow_, nice, that’s just the right amount of chicken. We can eat it in the fort!” She pauses as she starts dishing up, smiles up sheepishly. “I’m very excited about food in the fort, not gonna lie.”

“Well,” Kihyun says as he gets closer and watches her, “That’s a first for me, too. So, same.”

“I hope you like it,” Sangah smiles and throws away the containers once they’re empty, turning to the fridge.

“Do you have anything to drink? Where do you--I remember the mugs, not the glasses,” Kihyun laughs.

“Aw, you remember the mugs,” Sangha pouts and opens the fridge. “Don’t worry, though, I’ve got--” She takes out a six pack of little fruit juice boxes. “Tangerines!”

“Oh!” Kihyun beams. _Beams!_ It’s the first time Sangah’s seen it happen in real life. He walks closer, takes the pack and looks at it. “Cool! Thank you--” _Smooch._

Sangah’s just blinking at his face. He’s so beautiful when he smiles like that, _oh no_. “G--Great! Glad you like it,” she blinks again, flushes and takes the two plates to walk into the living room and slip into the fort. “Follow me!”

“Ah--” Kihyun reaches inside the bag to bring out a smaller container, “You forgot this,” he says as he follows after Sangah, pack under his arm, transparent container of pickled radish in hand (which is shakes in front of her face).

Sangah feels her lips go all ‘O’ as she takes the container. “Great! Shit, you really brought a whole ass meal, huh. Uhm, can you get a bowl?” Sangah’s already sitting down, okay. “Top shelf, way on the left?”

“Yep,” Kihyun chirps, places the pack down and then turns to walk back to the kitchen while sing-songing, “Top shelf, way on the left,” under his breath.

_Cute_. 

Sangah moves further into the fort, bringing out the little wooden table (with legs that fold in and out) that she uses sometimes to work with her laptop in bed, puts it down and puts the two plates on it, reaching over for the packs to take out one for each of them. By then, Kihyun is back with a bowl she puts the radishes in. “Thanks!” Sangah smiles. “Dinner is, er, served. Can I say that, like, legally? If I wasn’t the one who _made _said dinner?”

“Pretty sure you can,” Kihyun chuckles as he plops down and looks around. “This looks amazing. How much time did you lose with it?”

“The table? Ah, I made it.”

“The fort,” Kihyun reaches out and boops Sangah’s nose.

“Oh! I thought--I heard wrong, sorry, uhm. Two hours? But I was dancing to, well, your music, so it took a bit longer.”

Kihyun raises an eyebrow,_ “Dancing?”_

“Not _dancing_, more like--” Sangah flails her arms around a little. “And--” And bounces up and down like she’s jumping. It makes Kihyun laugh, eyes turning into crescents.

“Dummy,” he says, reaches out to open the pickled radish and pick one up to bring to his mouth. He fits it between his lips and then sucks it in to munch. _Hamster._

Sangah rolls her eyes fondly, scooting closer to take a piece of the sticky chicken and pop it into her mouth. She gives a little groan before she chews. “So good. How did today go, by the way? Did they treat the birthday boy well?”

“Hm,” Kihyun reaches for the regular chicken and nibbles on it before fitting it into his mouth. It sounds crunchy. He melts a little and wobbles before sort of shivering and hugging himself. _Cute cute cute cute! _“Ugh, so good.” He reaches for another piece of chicken and munches. “I feel like I haven’t eaten in ages, ugh. But yes--” Kihyun turns to the pack and brings out a bottle that he opens and then passes on to Sangah. “It was fine. Just--” He swallows. “We’re a bit tight on schedules. Might get really busy soon. And I’m stupid, I decided I wanted to squeeze an extra song into the album, which is sorta done? But… Yeah, still waiting for approval.”

“What, a whole new song?” Sangah asks, taking a sip before passing it back.

Kihyun nods. “Wonho had something we ended up not using. And I--” Kihyun shrugs, pops another piece of chicken into his mouth. “Kinda had an idea and I’d die if I didn’t do it--” he shakes his head and laughs. “We sorta wrote this album at the beginning of the year? After Purple came out. So, this is _really_ last minute.”

“Oh, wow,” Sangah blinks, reaches for a crunchy piece and _wow, it’s great_. If she wasn’t hungry before, now she feels like she could eat a bucket full of this stuff. “What inspired it? Like---” Sangah gestures vaguely. “Why suddenly? Like you said, it’s been, what, almost a year.”

Kihyun glances over and then looks away, shrugs one shoulder, “It happens sometimes. But I hope you’ll enjoy the album.”

“From what I heard already? I know I will,” she leans forward, whispers. “Kind of already pre-ordered a bunch. Whoops.”

Kihyun rolls his eyes and leans in to headbutt lightly at Sangah’s head. “Incorrigible.” 

“You’re the ones making great music, take responsibility,” Sangah cackles, picking at another sticky piece of chicken to nom. “Only two versions, though, thank god…” she teases, rolling her eyes. 

“You’ll like the Bright Version,” Kihyun says, grinning a little.

“Of you? Always,” Sangah says and then cackles a little. “Sorry, I had to.”

“Aw, thank you,” Kihyun says. “What about you? How’s work?”

“Well,” Sangah noms, “I’ve been taking a lot more offers… So, a lot more work. Which, y’know, great, more money for the money jar! And it’ll keep me busy while you’re all busy.”

Kihyun pouts a little and looks at Sangah with puppy eyes. “You’ll text me a lot, right?”

Sangah nods fast little nods. “Of course! And meet up, if you can, obviously. I just recently found some more incentive and motivation, so, why not.”

“I can come over, too, sometimes. Like, to nap,” Kihyun says. “If you want me napping here,” he laughs. “Because I’ll be _dead.”_

“Awww,” Sangah coos. “Of course. My couch and bed are yours to temporarily die in. I will, though, and this is a warning,” she points, all serious. “_Totally _play with your hair until you fall asleep, though.”

Kihyun narrows his eyes, runs his tongue over his lips (how _dare_\--) and hums. “You probably know I’m not a big fan of that… But… I can pretend I’m fast asleep.”

“Hey--” Sangah says, putting her hands up as if in surrender. “I can keep my hands to myself, I’m a good girl.”

“Nah, please, don’t,” Kihyun says and looks at the chicken, reaches over for the spicy one and noms at it. “It’s just that it makes my hair all greasy. But if it gets weird I’ll wash it really quickly before I leave.”

“Then my bed, my hands, and my shampoo, are yours,” she says, makes as if to curtsy before laughing softly. 

“Na-huh,” Kihyun shakes his head and gestures vaguely at Sangah. “All of you, all of you.”

Sangah feels herself blush and looks down to find some more chicken to stuff into her mouth, feels her cheeks go all puffy as she keeps blushing and glancing at him through a bit of hair that fell over one high. “Dummy…”

Kihyun glances over, one of his cheeks puffing when he probably shoves the food to the side of his mouth. “Hm?” He blinks.

She just shakes her head with a smile and chews, and they eat in comfortable silence for a while. “Oh!” she exclaims out of nowhere when a thought enters her brain with a damn battering ram. “Your present!” she says and twists herself around one way and then the other to spot the pile of glow in the dark stars, and little round stickers to stick ‘em to the ceiling, all wrapped in a bow, and pick it up, holding it out for him with an excited smile.

Kihyun blinks, sucks at the pad of his thumb, tonguing at it and then reaches over, “Oh--” he looks at the stars and smiles. “Oh! Nice! Thank you so much!” He looks up and leans in to kiss Sangah’s cheek. “I’ll stick them to the ceiling of my bedroom later.”

_Warmth, ugh_. Her entire chest feels like the damn sun. “You’re welcome…” she says, shy for some reason, and starts properly digging into the spicy, sticky chicken strips, get her fingers all saucy. “So… When we talk on the phone at night, we’ll both be looking at the stars.”

Kihyun glances up and then down, smiles a little. “Yep.”

More comfortable silence. It’s amazing how that just _happens_. There’s always something to say, but no need to really say it. No abrupt end in conversation, just little lulls they fall into. It’s nice.

When Sangah is done with her food, she starts suckling the sauce off her fingers because this is some _good fuckin’ chicken_. Kihyun is almost done so she just waits before taking both their plates away. Watching him eat is a joy, so she’s happy to do it. 

Kihyun glances at her but other than that just keeps eating. When he’s done he seems to deflate a little and falls back onto the pillows, reaches over for the wipes and starts cleaning his hands. Sangah takes everything out of the fort before crawling back inside, closing the entrance with a pin and plopping down on the makeshift bed to stretch all lazy.

“I’m so fuuuuull,” she whines in the stretch before relaxing; just, completely letting her arms and head and everything go slack. “I’m dead.”

“Mood,” Kihyun sighs. He raises himself up a little just to pull the hood of his hoodie over his head and then plops back down and glances over. “Hey,” he says, arm stretching open a little, “Get over here, silly.”

Sangah tries not to flush (also, _a mood_) and lifts herself up, moving over. “First a dummy, now I’m silly,” she teases before fitting herself under Kihyun’s arm, head on his chest. “What ever will I be next… Buffoon? Imbecile?” 

Kihyun laughs a little, curls his arm around her and holds her close, which makes her smile, even though he can’t see it. “What do you wanna be, then?”

Sangah pokes at Kihyun’s socked foot with hers. His feet look smaller than hers, what the hell. “Empress of the Galaxy, obviously.”

“That title is already taken by Lady Dior,” Kihyun scoffs. “But you can be the Princess of the Galaxy. Or--!” Kihyun grins a little. “A Star Princess.”

“Oooooh,” Sangah ‘oohs’, shifting a little so she can look up at him. He’s so close and really, _what’s the point of even wearing makeup when you look like this?_ There’s a pimple under his jaw, though, but it’s cute. _No editing out pimples in real life, take that, fansites_. “I like that. Does that mean I get to zoom around in a fancy spaceship from star to star?”

“Oh no, much better,” Kihyun shakes Sangah a little. “You’re like Captain Marvel. You just _nyooooom_ whenever you want, wherever you want.”

Sangah gasps. “Oh my god, I fucking _love _Captain Marvel.”

Kihyun laughs a little and reaches up with his free hand to boop at Sangah’s nose, “My little Star Princess. Powerful enough to kick my ass.”

“Oh shut up,” Sangah giggles, burying her face into his chest. “I couldn’t even beat you at arm wrestling. And I was _cheating_.”

“You weren’t _cheating,_” Kihyun scoffs. “If you were then so would I be cheating if we’d played with our right arms.”

“Well… it was in my _advantage_, and I lost so, shush. You’re the Star Prince, you’re powerful, too.”

“Hm, do you think,” Kihyun nuzzles in, nose into Sangah’s hair as he takes a deep breath, “Do you think we’re like real stars?”

Sangah snorts. “Gassy?”

“Oh, _definitely. _Wait until the spicy chicken kicks in,” Kihyun scoffs.

“Oh my god,” Sangah laughs, feels her voice break but she can’t even be mad about it. She looks up at Kihyun, though. “You mean the… shine after we’re gone thing?”

“Yeah,” Kihyun says, pouting a little with a double chin when he looks down at her.

“Maybe… You definitely are,” Sangah smiles. “And me, too, in a… smaller way. Some stars, people need telescopes to see them. Not everyone can, but that’s okay, doesn’t make you any less of a star.”

Kihyun smiles a little. “Glad I had my telescope set, then.”

“Maybe we’re binary stars,” Sangah says, nuzzling in closer and looking up at him.

“Don’t tweet that, people will find a way to be offended.”

“Oh god,” Sangah laughs again. “No, I mean, like, really, really bright from far away but if you look closer, it’s because it’s two stars shining as one,” Sangah smiles. “I’m being really cheesy, aren’t I?”

“Yep,” Kihyun grins. “But I like it,” he says, kisses Sangah’s forehead, free hand reaching for hers. “I do feel a little brighter when I’m with you so…” Kihyun says, fingers raising a little against Sangah’s before he laces them together. “I like the idea.”

“Me too,” Sangah says softly, watching their hands for a second. She has a thought, it’s not very romantic, but she says it anyway. “You know the ancient Egyptians actually knew about binary stars? Like? What the fuck? _How_?”

“Hm,” Kihyun shakes her hand a little over his torso. _There are soft abs in there somewhere, under all that cloth._ “Think the pyramids were like, secretly, bigass telescopes? Telescope bunkers.”

“Aliens,” Sangah nods, seriously. “It’s the only explanation.”

“Or they were just _really_ bored and spent long periods of time looking at the stars through magnifying glasses. Although your hypothesis sounds a lot cooler, so let’s stick with that.”

Sangha narrows her eyes at him. “Don’t make me get my laptop and find that Buzzfeed Unsolved episode about aliens, I’ll do it…”

Kihyun raises an eyebrow, keeps his eyes on the fairy lights. “Oh, don’t worry. I totally believe in aliens. And they’ve been here before, for sure. I mean, why is it that, in all the cultures around the Earth, even some that never had contact with other cultures, they all have something in common--which is the gods in the sky or whatever?”

Sangah blinks at him. “Keep talking like this and I’m gonna have to pounce.”

Kihyun bites both lips in and then licks them before he says, “They totally waged wars here. Norse Mythology? Full of that. Can you imagine? Thor--the actual Thor, not Chris Hemsworth--swinging the hammer with the name I can’t pronounce--”

“Mjolnir,” Sangah says, nodding, moving herself up so she can throw a leg over Kihyun’s lap. “Keep talking.”

Kihyun raises an eyebrow but doesn’t look at her and _keeps talking._ “I mean, have you read about Ragnarok? The events, not the movie. It’s literally the beginning of the Bible with the whole Adam and Eve. So Christians totally stole that. _But_ what if the aliens _are_ gods. And they were all powerful and shit and baby-us, humans, were just heads over heels for them. And after Ragnarok, the gods lost so many people, almost everything died, and that’s why they don’t visit us anymore. Stupid aliens.”

“So… We won?” Sangah asks, leaning in to kiss Kihyun’s jaw.

Kihyun narrows his eyes. “No, we just casually survived. We can’t beat Thor, Sangah. Although, Odin was eaten by a dog. So, take that with a grain of salt.”

“Giant wolf Fenrir,” Sangah says, moving little kisses down his jaw and to his chin before leaning back, sitting down on Kihyun’s thighs. “I will not take that with a grain of salt, I fucking love the idea of a giant wolf.”

Kihyun looks at Sangah, eyes narrowing playfully. “His story is sad, though. But yeah. Wolves are pretty. The only reason I watched the Twilight movies was ‘cause Joo told me there were wolves. He just forgot to mention they don’t show up at the beginning. I was _mad!”_

Sangah laughs. “Terrible movies, _beautiful _wolves, so yes, I get why you were mad. Have you ever seen a wolf in real life before? Their fur is _thicc _as fuck.”

“No, I haven’t. Have you?”

“Yep! I got to _pet it_,” Sangah smiles brightly, can’t believe she’s basically sitting on the lap of Yoo Kihyun. Good thing she thought to tuck beforehand. “My hand couldn’t even feel the skin, it was just _fur_.”

Kihyun’s eye widen a little, “Ooooh, that’s so cool! Aish,” he laughs, hands coming to rest on Sangah’s thighs. “Now I wanna pet a wolf. The closest thing I’ve seen was a Malamute, those big wolfie dogs.”

“Oh! I’ve seen! Man, if we lived somewhere colder, we could get one of those.”

“‘We’, huh?” Kihyun asks, grinning a little.

“Whoops…” Sangah says softly, leaning forward to put her head over his shoulder to hide her red face. She feels Kihyun’s hands leave her thighs and then arms curl around her to hold her tight.

It makes her giggle, so she nuzzles into his neck before giving it a small kiss. It feels… so damn nice to be held like this. And Kihyun smells _so nice_, feels so soft but solid and warm. 

“I really like you,” Sangah admits softly, face against his shoulder.

Kihyun reaches up with one of his hands and starts combing through Sangah’s hair. “I really like you, too…” he says, and it spreads to her chest, makes it all warm.

So even with her pink cheeks and red ears, Sangah leans back to kiss him. And Kihyun curls her hair behind her ears and cups her face to kiss back.

Sangah giggles a little against his lips, mumbles between kisses. “You taste like chicken.”

“How--” Kihyun pushes Sangah back just a little to look at her, “Is _that_ a problem?”

Sangah giggles and kisses at his cheeks. “It’s _not, _it’s just _funny_.”

Kihyun rolls his eyes and then moves his hands to Sangah’s waist. There’s a pause, a moment of silence, and then he says, “I really like it when you laugh…”

Ironically, that makes Sangah stop laughing, and when she realizes, she giggles again and swats lightly at Kihyun’s chest between little flails. “You want me dead! _Dead_!” 

“What?” Kihyun giggles _(oh my god, it’s cute)_, “No, it’s adorable!”

“Aish!” Sangah laughs. “And then he laughs like that! How are you so--so perfect, dammit.” Sangah pouts and smooths her hand over where she’s been smacking Kihyun oh so lightly. _Chest_. 

She quickly realises what she’s doing and flushes, quickly pulling her hand back.

Kihyun looks at her for a moment, expression unreadable, and then wiggles both his eyebrow, a little, playful smile blooming on his lips. He moves his hands to Sangah’s thighs and sits up, hood falling back from his head as he quickly moves and makes Sangah tip back onto the pillows, inverting their positions.

“Boop,” Kihyun says when he boops his nose on Sangah’s, her legs, somehow, wrapped loosely around his waist. Sangah bites her lips in and tucks her chin down as she looks up at him through her eyelashes.

“I think this might be one of your best angles,” she teases, biting at her bottom lip.

“And why is that?” Kihyun asks, he still has one of his hands on Sangah’s thighs, and when he leans in to kiss her forehead, it slides closer to her hips.

Again with the shivers. This time, though, it’s a bit more difficult to keep it at bay, so a small one slips through.

And that’s the saddest part, isn’t it? She _wants _to be touched. She really, really likes when Kihyun touches her like this, but she also knows herself well enough to know that certain boundaries, however much she can hate them, or feel like they makes her lesser, are there for her own good. And _that_… That is definitely one of them.

She knows a lot of girls like her don’t have much of a problem with it, and as much as Sangah wishes that were her, that she could be this confident ‘chick with a dick’ or whatever the hell, for her? She just… can’t. There’s a reason she’s working so hard and saved so much, and now, as she said, there’s just… a lot more incentive.

“Reasons,” Sangah says softly, tightening her legs a little around him. There’s nothing… _there_, at the moment, at least, so she doesn’t have to worry about Kihyun feeling anything. Even if she can’t really get hard anymore, there’s still a… a thingy. Ugh. _Thingy_. She’s fine with ‘thingies’, more than fine, really, she just wish she didn’t _have one_.

“Hm,” Kihyun says, nosing into her bangs and then huffing a laugh. “Don’t worry…” he says softly. “I’m not… I’m not going to do anything…”

A lump forms in her throat she _really _didn’t ask for. It’s a stupid insecurity, an entirely selfish one, but she asks, “Because you don’t… want to..?”

Kihyun leans back just enough to look at her, eyes shifting on her face for a moment. “Do _you_ want to?” He frowns a little. “I’m not trying to shift the question to you… I just want you to… be okay.”

Sangah feels herself pout, looking up at Kihyun with big eyes, hands on his hoodie. “I… I want to, but I… I know I can’t if I want to be okay…” Sangah swallows a little and looks down.

“Then there you have it,” Kihyun says, smiling small. “Besides, we’re not quite there yet,” he says, narrowing his eyes playfully. “Because you’re not just some random girl.”

It makes Sangah smile. “Still… You’re a _boy_,” Sangah teases. “I know how boys are.”

Kihyun snorts a laugh and glances away. “Right. Well, yeah--” he clears his throat. “I’d be lying if I claimed that statement as untrue. And also--” Kihyun sighs and lets himself tip to the side. He lies down next to Sangah but pulls her close to him. “Remember when I said that maybe there was stuff to talk about?” He asks, moving her hair away from her face.

“Yeeeeah, figured this might be one of them,” Sangah chuckles, smiling sheepishly.

“And I feel like I should apologize because,” Kihyun mumbles, pausing with a lot of hesitation before he says, “I mean… There _is_ a reason why I don’t like boys?” 

It shouldn’t but it makes her stomach drop a little. It’s fine, though, really, just… A reaction she can’t really help. 

“Or, well, a lot of reasons” Kihyun mutters. “From an _aesthetics_ point of view? Sure, Wonho is beautiful and I’ll build him a shrine--” Kihyun scoffs. “And while I really don’t care about body types? As in, shape and all that--I don’t really have a type, unless cute is a type? Ugh--” Kihyun pouts. “I’m sorry… But,” he looks at Sangah. “I really _do_ like you. A lot.” And god, does that make her happy, but it also makes her eyes burn, because she knows, she _knows_. “And… I do think you're a beautiful girl so… I hope that’s enough…” Kihyun swallows a little and his eyes wander down. “You just… if you feel like you... _Ugh._ I feel like I’m rambling without getting anywhere…”

“It’s okay, I get it,” Sangah says, even as she feels a stupid, terrible tear roll down her cheek and she tries to just turn her face and wipe it off onto the pillow but that’s clearly not going to be enough so she wiggles herself out of Kihyun’s grip and sits up, wiping at her face with her sleeves.

Kihyun sits up, too, and picks up at a few strands of her hair that are sticking to her face. “I’m sorry…”

“No, no, no, no,” Sangah shakes her head. “It’s _fine_, really, I don’t--” Sangah laughs through a sniff, a small contraction in her chest. “I don’t like the damn thing either.”

Kihyun huffs a laugh and pulls Sangah closer. “That’s okay… We’ll… You’ll--Surgery, you mentioned that, so I assumed you'll--” He sighs. “Wow, thinking about it is painful. I really _am _a boy--” He shivers. He lifts his hand and makes a scissor gesture while saying, “Snip, snip--Ugh!” He falls back and curls into a ball.

It makes Sangah bark a laugh through her tears. “Yeeeeeah, trust me, I’ve watched a video--nothing gruesome, just a medical diagram thingy and like… _Ouch_.”

Kihyun's shoulders come up and he makes a face. “Not to be graphic here, but I think it shrunk so much it _hurts--oh god--”_

Sangah giggles and shakes her head, wiping at her cheeks. “Yeah, well, a desperate girl’s gotta do a what a desperate girl’s gotta do. And save up for. Oh god it’s so expeeeeensive,” she whines, plopping back down. She’s still crying but it’s okay.

“How much is it?” Kihyun asks, wiggling himself closer.

Sangah sniffs and--wow, she really can’t believe she’s talking about this and doesn’t wanna jump off a cliff. _Character growth, man._ “Like… A little under twenty four million won? Yeah.”

Kihyun’s eyes go a little wide. “Twen--” He brings his fingers up and starts counting. “Just how many zeros is that?”

“A two, a four, and six whole chunky round bois.”

“That’s like… Buying a house?! Okay. No. But a car?!”

“A car for a dick,” Sangah says and then scoffs, covers her face with her hands. 

“Wow…” Kihyun breathes. “Hm… Okay, then. I’ll help.”

Sangah brings her hands off her face, blinks at the top of the fort before turning to him, so incredulous she actually says, “How badly do you wanna have sex, dude?”

Kihyun’s face goes _red._ “What? No!” He sits straighter and crosses his legs, looks at his lap. “It’s not about having se--sex--Well, it’s about having sex but _not _like that. This is--” He sighs. “It’s not about me, not really…”

Sangah pouts, looking over at him. “Well… Hyungwon’s been helping me and he sure as hell doesn’t wanna have sex with me so…” 

Kihyun rolls his eyes and huffs out a breath. “Look… It’s… You literally help me live my dream. I love singing, I’ve always wanted to have a band, sing live, do concerts, have people cheer for me. And I’m living my dream. So many people contribute to that and--” Kihyun looks at Sangha. “You’re one of them. And I like you. So, let me help you reach your dream? Even if--” Kihyun shrugs and looks down, clearly looks _grumbly_ when he says, “Even if in the end it’s not me next to you. That’s not the point. I’ll… I’ll be happy to know I helped.”

This time when Sangah feels her eyes leak a little, it’s not because she’s sad. So she sits up and puts a hand behind Kihyun’s neck, touching the fine hairs there. “Dunno why, but… I’m really starting to get the feeling it’s definitely going to be you.”

Kihyun glances up, lips all pouty and then looks away even as he leans into the touch. “And for the record… Even if we were in some alternate universe and you couldn’t do it, the surgery, or just… didn’t want to, I think I’d a least try.” He shrugs. “Not gonna say feelings are everything because while it might be true to some, it isn’t to me. But… I’d try.”

Sangah smiles, noses at Kihyun’s cheek. “Thank you… For being so honest and not… trying to sugarcoat it, really… And don’t worry too much about saying the wrong things, okay? I know you care, I can tell you’re careful,” Sangah smiles, leaning back. “But I’m a big girl, I can handle it, and if I can’t, it’ll only be a second, and you’ll definitely know about it.”

“Still,” Kihyun says, turns his face a little, nose brushing on Sangah’s. “I don’t want to be the reason why you cry. Unless it’s like… tears of happiness.”

“You’re the reason I smile so much, laugh so much,” Sangah says, kissing his cheek. “It’s okay. Like now--yeah, I cried, but it’s not like... I didn’t expect you to say those things, it really--it’s...” Sangah trails off, leaning in front of him a little to peck that pesky mole by his top lip. “It’s okay, sweetie.”

Kihyun frowns a little but then it evens out. He leans in to kiss Sangah’s lips, just a soft little thing. “Like I said, you aren’t just _any_ girl. You’re the girl I like.”

“So I’m yoooour…” Sangah teases. “Girl... That you like? Girlthatyoulike? That’s not very easy to say, hmm…”

Kihyun smiles a little and smooches again. “You’re--” _Smooch._ “My--” _Smooch. _“Girlfriend.” _Smooch._

Sangah’s heart tightens a little in her chest and she feels herself blush, want to laugh, want to run around and whoop and squeal. “That’s…” Sangah tries to tease, lips struggling to fall out of a smile (which they don’t). “Awfully presumptuous of you…”

Kihyun raises an eyebrow. “Or not…”

“Nonono,” Sangah laughs, shaking her head and bringing up her hands to wave them around. “Go back, go back, go back!”

Kihyun laughs a little and wraps both arms around Sangah’s neck, pulls her down when he falls back onto the pillows. “Rewinded,” he says. “Back to girlfriend.”

Sangah nods, biting at her bottom lip but struggling with how wide she’s smiling. “Another first.”

“Well, I’ll just take them all, I suppose. Since I seem to be on a roll.”

“Ohoho,” Sangah pokes at Kihyun’s sides. “Speak presumptuous to me, baby.”

“You--” Kihyun grins and pokes at Sangah’s tummy, “Cheeky little racoon…”

“Ehehehehe,” Sangah laughs and squirms, swatting at Kihyun before just pulling him closer, laughter dying on her lips.

And that’s the point, right? She should be happy with someone, but she needs to be able to be sad with them, too, to be silly and vulnerable and insecure. It wouldn’t be fair to hold Kihyun up to some high standard of automatically being okay, automatically accepting, _all _of her, but… he tries, he cares, he wants to help _her _be happy. He picks his words, not because he doesn’t want to deal with an upset Im Sangah, or avoid some sort of argument, but because he honestly doesn’t want to hurt her with his words. And those words might not always be tailored to perfection to subvert every single damn insecurity Sangah has, but that’s not what she cares about.

This? This warmth, this _understanding_, this is what she cares about.

Love works ‘because of’. But it also works ‘despite of’.

\---

Sangah tries to save _at least _two fifths of her monthly income, shove it into a savings account and behold, meager amounts of rental tax. She’s… almost at twelve million. Twelve million is halfway. Four years, and she’s halfway. It’s not… _great. _But it’s good. It’s steady, at least. Still feels like rolling a rock up a hill, but what can she do if not that…?

It helps that she has an incentive. Even if now she barely sees Kihyun at all, he’s just a weight on the ‘reason to keep going’ plate of the scale. Best of all, though, he’s… encouragement. When Sangah gets worried she’ll never get there, he’s the rational voice who tells her _to work hard, just hard enough_. And that’s really all the incentive she needs, sometimes. 

She still gets those albums, though. It’s a fine balance between future happiness and instant gratification, really. It’s the only thing she spoils herself with, after all.

Right now, she’s done with work (more work than she’s used to, really), so she melts onto her couch despite Hyungwon being on it, glued to his phone. It’s comeback day, and they’ll be posting any second now.

“You know what they say about a watched pot, Hyungwon,” Sangah teases, picking Hyungwon’s legs up to slip in under them, put them back over her lap.

“What do they say…?” Hyungwon asks absently without looking up.

“A watched pot never boils,” Sangah says, poking his leg and reaching for her own phone. “Staring at your phone won’t make the Wonho selfies appear.”

“Shush,” Hyungwon says, clearly unbothered, “I am hard at wor--”

Hyungwon’s phone buzzes first. And then Sangah’s.

“Oh, no…” Hyungwon whispers. “I can’t open it… I’m scared.” He says, finger hovering over the Twitter notification warning.

“_Fuck _that shit--” Sangah says, scrambling to press on the button for the tweet. “Gimmegimmegimmegimme.”

“Oh boy,” Sangha breathes. “Oh no, this MV is gonna fucking end my life…”

“His hair is dark, what--” Hyungwon stares at his phone, frowns. “Are we ready to die?”

“I didn’t even know!” Sangha squeaks. “I haven’t seen him in a while!” She continues, moving to lie down next to Hyungwon. “Yes, now click the fuckin’ link, Hyungwon.”

“I’m trying, woman!” Hyungwon yells before he slams his whole hand over the screen. “Okay! I did it! It’s loading!”

The familiar (to Sangah, which, _oh my god_) song starts and Hyungwon is frozen, eyes wide on the screen without blinking. Wonho looks _good_, walking through a beautiful, marble walled building as he whistles, hands in his pockets, hair a bright orange with yellow strikes (it looks like fire), expression serene. He walks past Kihyun, hair a dark brown, clothes black with golden embellishments, and--_are those leather pants?!_ He stands with a hand on the side of the wall as he looks through a mirror but sees no reflection, not even Wonho’s.

_“Who is the person you see_\--” Kihyun’s eyes flick up to the camera and Sangah’s heart jumps to her throat. “_When you look closer_?”

He turns around and looks down the hallway, to what looks like… the back of a stage? A stage entrance for artists, Sangah thinks.

“_Who am I going to be when it’s all over_?”

It cuts to Jooheon, who sings, faster than Kihyun’s tempo, with the music building in the background.

“_Sacrifice is worth the price for a moment that lives on._”

Jooheon walks, stops when he passes a woman and stops to look at her, the slow motion catching a frown before he turns forward and keeps walking.

“_Bury me in a melody to remember when I’m gone._”

“_Who is the person you see,_” Kihyun sings again, turning away from the mirror to walk to the entrance, catching just a glimpse of long, black hair in soft curls, a woman, turning her face to look at Kihyun as he walks away. _“When you look closer, closer...”_

Minwoo and Jungsoo are the firsts to walk into an arena, followed by Jooheon and Wonho. There are men and women all over, walking towards a stage with them. They’re all black and white, only the members are in colour.

Kihyun, alone on a stage, in front of all the others looks between the people walking towards him as Sangah hears his voice sing the words, _“More than the face you see in the crowd--”_ And the faces of idols Sangah recognizes from the same company, other people she doesn’t recognize, appear walking in slow motion towards the stage. _“They know my name when they scream it loud--”_

Sangah wouldn’t have pegged Yoo Kihyun for an actor, though he can be quite expressive when he wants to. But when the focus is back on him, he looks scared. Honest to god, _scared. _Her heart aches for him and she squeezes Hyungwon’s arm.

_“I don’t need much, I just want it all. All I wanna be is unforgettable…”_

The focus changes to Minwoo and the colours fade a little into black and white. And then the same happens with Jungso. It… This is what Kihyun had told her, that soon, they would be gone.

_“I’m in control of the fire ‘cause I hold the matches,”_ Wonho sings softly. It changes between him running to get to the stage and him alone in a room, dancing, the colors of his hair, yellow and orange, seemingly moving like flames, and the effect reflects in the mirrors, flames coming up completely and bringing Wonho out of view. When he dances in the last scene, before he's consumed by the fire, he moves down, moves his hand in a swift, fluid movement, over the floor that crumbles like ash. _“Some of the best things in life are born from the ashes.”_

Jooheon runs towards the stage as well, gets pulled back by the people around him but keeps trying, keeps moving. His voice, a little more rapid-fire mumbles a low rap in the background while he says fast, over it, _“Sacrifice but it’s worth the price for a moment that lives on. Bury me in a melody to remember when I’m gone. I’m in control of the fire, watch while it catches, catches--”_

And Kihyun, on stage, has a microphone. So, he sings, like Sangah has seen live, has seen on so many MVs before this one, _passionately._

_'More than the face you see in the crow. _

_They know my name when they scream it loud. _

_I don’t need much, I just want it all. All I wanna be is unforgettable.'_

By the time the others reach the stage, the scenery changes. No one is trying to reach for the stage anymore, they are already there; Spectrum. And a crowd full of people, cheering while they sing. Wonho’s face a little brighter, smiling while he plays, Jooheon’s skin glistening with sweat as he hits the drums hard and twirls the stick in his hand, Kihyun doing a--_sinful!!!--_little body roll, hips moving while he holds the mic.

And they sing; 

_'More than the face you see in the crowd. _

_They know my name when they scream it loud. _

_I don’t need much, I just want it all. _

_All I wanna be is unforgettable_

_Unforgettable. Unforgettable, unforgettable_

_All I wanna be is unforgettable.'_

And it ends with a pan out, the lights dimming on the stage until everything turns black.

Sangah and Hyungwon only react once YouTube wants to go to the next video and Hyungwon slam his hand on the phone again. “_Fuck_, that was good,” he says.

“That was really fucking good…”

“You knew about this?!”

“I knew the song! Didn’t know shit about the MV, didn’t even know his hair would be different. Or that he could act, what the fuck was that about!”

“Oh man,” Hyungwon says. “Wonho’s hair… They’d never done this? Like, it’s usually not meaningful? Just them singing and shit--what is going on, they’re evolving!”

“It’s so gooood, though,” Sangah whines and melts onto the couch to reach for her phone.

“I need to go on Spotify, _right now_,” Hyungwon says, tapping at his phone. “Before I go stream the shit out of that MV.”

“Go go go, I need to text Kihyun,” Sangah says, tapping away at her phone. “And then I’ll join you.”

THAT WAS SO GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
YOU LOOKED SO GOOD HOW DARE YOU ROLL YOUR HIPS LIKE THAT  
I’M SUING  
ALSO  
It’s deep >>  
I likey <<  
And wtf you can act?????  


She doesn’t expect a reply for a _while_. She knows how things are. But she does get something, something confusing.

Kihyun  
Track 7, after the outro. It’s for you  


Her heart does a little flip and she smacks at Hyungwon’s arm slightly without looking at him. “Hyungwon, go--go to track seven…”

“What track seven there’s only--” Hyungwon clicks on the Outro. “Why is this outro almost five minutes long, what the fuck.”

It’s piano. Soft. It plays for a while and then it dies down, pauses and starts again. Except this time, Kihyun’s voice comes with it and Sangah immediately feels her eyes burn.

This is… for her…?

_'Sick and tired of waiting, so we learned to fly… _

_What a wild ride.'_

Hyungwon shifts, “Oh. It’s a hidden track.”

_'Brave enough to make it and we’re here to stay. _

_Y_ _eah, we found a way.'_

“It’s…” Sangah blinks, swallows around a lump. “It’s for me..”

“What?” Hyungwon frowns.

_“If you ever feel lost with nowhere to go, we can make a new world where nobody knows… _

_Our place, our space, call it home…”_

Sangah laughs a little, through tears, through the overwhelming feeling in her chest.

_'We’re all the way up, up, up, never look down, down, down_

_Breaking the ceiling… ‘_

_Cause I believe the world is ours. _

_We’re all the way up, up, up, we never look down, down, down_

_I got a feeling… _

_That it was written in the stars…'_

“Oh my god,” Sangah barely gets to say around her own voice, hands up to her mouth as she just fucking lets the tears do their thing.

And then, instead of Kihyun, a woman sings; 

_'I wasn’t born to follow, so I took the lead. _

_I didn’t lose the dream… _

_Forget about tomorrow and bring it on tonight, the sky’s burning bright…'_

And back to the chorus, they keep singing together.

_'If you ever get stuck with nowhere to run_

_When you’re covered in clouds, I’ll show you the sun_

_Our time to shine, we’ve just begun…'_

It’s… such a happy little song. Emotional, but _happy_. And Sangah cries silently until the end of it. Because it's true, they both have dreams. And while Kihyun is already living his, Sangah is still working towards hers. So, of course she would fall in love with someone who knows what it takes, someone who understands how hard it can be but who's also an example of what it feels like to shine.

She takes a deep breath that shakes before she scrambles for her phone, almost dropping it before she can manage to type.

I love you so much  


She presses the phone to her forehead and laughs, cry-drunk, head spinning and heart so damn full.

Her phone buzzes again.

Kihyun  
I think I might be falling, too  


Sangah laughs soft.

It’s beautiful, Ki, thank you so much (Purple Heart )  
I will literally never be able to express how much this means to me  
Kihyun  
I’ll see you soon  
Promise (Purple Heart )  
[](http://123emoji.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/sticker-2-217.png)  


Sangah drops her phone onto the couch and takes one of the couch pillows and just fuckin’ screams into that thing. _Gotta get it out somehow_.

“I’m all sorts of confused over here,” Hyungwon informs her, “But don’t mind me. Take your time. Good album, though. It’s cheerful. Overall.”

Sangah drops the pillow and looks at him. Good thing she’s not wearing makeup or she really would be a raccoon right now. “I’m a goddamn wreck, Chae Hyungwon. I will listen to it… Shortly.”

Hyungwon blinks slowly. “Right. I never asked. How _does it feel_ to know that your boyfriend literally sang, live, the words ‘I want the cause of my death to be amazing sex’ because, like--”

Sangah hits him so hard with the cushion that it might actually work, voice squeaky. “Shut the _fuck_\--”

\---

Christmas! Invented by Pagans, stolen by the Catholics, exploited by capitalism. Excellent.

But, it does give Sangah an excuse to wear this stupid reindeer antler Alice band, and Hyungwon is being frustratingly difficult about wearing the Santa hat.

“No,” Hyungwon says.

Sangah pouts hard. Real hard. Really, really hard. She’s _working _for this pout.

“No, I _shan’t--”_

Sangah’s phone buzzes over the table. She frowns, walks closer and it’s Kihyun, which makes her smile before she can even pen the message.

Kihyun  
Princess, you home?  
In my castle with my faithful (if stubborn) squire

Why?  
Should I get hopeful..?  
Open the door for me?  
WHAT!!!???  
SFDGFDG  


Sangah quickly replies and then rushes to the door. “Get off your lazy ass, Kihyun’s here!”

“What?” Hyungwon blinks, confused.

“Kihyun, here, _get up_,” Sangah says, before unlocking the door and opening it, smiling wide at Kihyun. “Hey! Wow, this is a surprise!”

Kihyun looks different with darker hair. Looks older, more his age. And--_hotter, somehow._ Even he’s just wearing a black hoodie and black skinny jeans--_legs!_

He leans back a little, hands behind his back, and grins. “Hey, there. Nice antlers you've got there.”

“You--” She blabbers, flustered, for some reason. “I thought you were busy?”

“I am, kinda--” Kihyun sing-songs as he steps closer and finally moves his hands to the front, holds out a little flower bucket, full of purple and pink flowers. “Sneaked out,” he finishes.

“From--From Fairyland, oh my god, this is--” She walks closer, taking the bucket and pouting all happily at Kihyun. “It’s so pretty, thank you,” she says, bouncing a little on the spot before leaning in for a short kiss.

Kihyun smiles and then peeks inside the house, blinks and raises his hand a little. “Hi…” He breathes.

“Ah, so he’s real,” Hyungwon deadpans.

Sangah makes a face at him ,something between narrowing her eyes and something a little mocking. “Ha ha, yes I’ve been making him up for months.”

“Part of me certainly hoped that was the case--” Hyungwon sighs.

“See?” Sangah says cheerfully, walking to put the flowers down on the coffee table, glancing back at Kihyun. “Not everyone likes you because you’re an angel. Then again, Hyungwon’s a bit of a dick.”

Kihyun laughs a little and looks down, standing by the door outside. “Right, uhm… Do you have plans for today?”

“Not… really?” Sangah blinks. “Just… trying to get him to wear that hat so we can mock low-production value disaster movies.”

“It’s Sharknado 2 day,” Hyungwon says. “Happy birthday, Jesus.”

Kihyun smiles. “Ah, okay. Uhm--” Kihyun points over his shoulder with his thumb, “Well, I thought that we could go meet my friend? But then again, I didn’t really know I’d be free today so… I’m sorry, I didn’t warn you beforehand.”

“Oh,” Sangah blinks. “Oh! Jooheon’s girlfriend? Yeah, I--Yeah, I wanna meet her! I’d just need a second, really, then we can go.”

Kihyun nods and glances at Hyungwon, walks in and closes the door behind him. “Sure…” Kihyun says, toes at the back of his shoes and puts them aside before walking in. “I’ll wait, then.”

“I’ll just,” Hyungwon gestures to himself on the couch. “Be here, then.”

“Or…” Kihyun clears his throat and glances at Sangah before looking at Hyungwon again. “You can tag along and… meet Wonho.”

Hyungwon blinks at the ceiling for a second, before glancing at Sangah. “I can borrow your make-up, right?”

“Yep.”

She’s never seen Hyungwon move that fast. She barks a laugh as Hyungwon literally scrambles past her to the bathroom, looking over at Kihyun. “What have you done,” she says, fondly.

Kihyun smiles a little and shrugs, points at the couch. “He was on the couch, I wanted to sit down.”

Sangah scoffs and blows him a kiss. “Just a moment, then.”

She finds Hyungwon in the bathroom adding brown-bronze eyeshadow onto his lids. Sangah looks at herself in the mirror. 

Did she dye her hair bright red just for Christmas? Maybe. Does it look good? Definitely. She quickly does her make-up, scolds Hyungwon for not putting things back where he finds them, combs her hair, puts on her ever-faithful Faux Titties, a cream-colored sweater, a striped red and white cardigan that almost reaches her knees, and, well, jeans. Black, skinny ones. Thank god she already tucked because fucking _Hyungwon _is still messing with his goddamn hair in the bathroom.

When she walks back into the living room, Kihyun is leaning back on the couch, head tipped back while he stares tiredly at the ceiling. He blinks, though and turns to look at Sangah when she walks closer. And… he _immediately_ straightens up, eyes going everywhere, up and down and then up and back down--and staying down.

“Uhm…” Kihyun starts intelligently. 

Sangah probably blushes bright enough to rival her hair, pulling the cardigan a little over her chest. “What…”

“Pants,” Kihyun says, blinks at Sangah’s legs. “I’d never seen you wear jeans or… well, anything that wasn’t a skirt or your fluffy pajamas.”

“Oh,” Sangah says, glancing down at her legs. She really thought the cardigan would be enough. “Is it obvious?” she asks, looking up with a small wince.

“No…” Kihyun says, glances away. “It’s hot…”

Chae Hyungwon to the rescue. Because honestly, if he didn’t push past her and make a beeline for the door, black hair all floofy and--is that _Sangah_’s jacket?--eyes dark with make-up, Sangah probably would have stayed frozen for the next ten years.

“Come on, people, no time to waste,” Hyungwon says, clapping his hands and standing by the door, looking between the two of them. He blinks at them, smiling. “Did I miss something?”

_“Nope,”_ Kihyun says as he gets up from the couch and walks by, takes Sangah’s hand, “Come on…” he mumbles, doesn’t look at her. His cheeks are a little pink.

Sangah smiles to herself, biting at her lip. _Another first_.

When they reach Kihyun’s car, Sangah practically throws an overeager Hyungwon into the backseat before taking her own at the front, crossing her legs and getting on Twitter to quickly catch up on Current Kpop Events. _As you do._

Kihyun slips into his seat and closes the door, glances at Sangah and then back at Hyungwon, “Oh great, we’ve adopted,” Kihyun mumbles as he puts his seatbelt on. He pauses, though, when he looks at Sangah’s legs _again._ Blinking works until it doesn’t and he finally looks away, clears his throat and starts the car.

Sangah glances at him through the corner of her eye and smiles, biting at her lip. “I’m getting the feeling I should wear pants more often…”

“No, you shouldn’t,” Kihyun mutters, turns the car onto the road. “I like the hair, by the way,” he adds a little louder. “You look like that sticker you send all the time, the orange raccoon.”

“You’re terrible at compliments,” Hyungwon says. Fucking peanut gallery.

“I’m also terrible at driving so careful, don’t stress me, _fanboy,”_ Kihyun says seriously.

“_Thank you_,” Sangah says sincerely, ignoring that whole bickering match, moving all her hair to one side (away from Kihyun; that character growth) and tucking it behind her ear. “I thought yellow might look a bit terrible, so, orangey-red it is.”

Kihyun glances over and smiles small. “It looks really good. It’s more _bam, look at me,_ than usual. Bold, that’s the word. I like it.”

Sangah smiles over, leaning back. “Thanks. And well… I’m more confident now, so, why not stand out a little?”

Kihyun smiles but keeps his eyes on the road as he drives. He looks tired, it’s obvious. But even so he does a good job at hiding it. Sangah pouts and just puts her hand on Kihyun thigh, just above his knee, and squeezes. _Stand out_, that used to be Kihyun's thing. She just wants to fit in. But maybe a little bit of both will do the trick.

The drive is silent, just the radio in the background. Sangah doesn’t know where they’re going exactly, but then Kihyun takes a turn to the center so that means it’s either an apartment (it would have to be an expensive one) or a meeting place.

It’s neither. It’s…

_The studio._

The building is a block in the middle of more blocks. A square full of wide windows up to the top. They walk in and it smells like _business,_ like new and clean. There’s no elevator, though, so they take the stairs.

Kihyun takes Sangah’s hand again once they stop at a door that reads ‘SPECTRUM’ on the tag in the middle. He knocks and then opens the door, says, “Hey, I’m back.”

Inside, there’s a table, papers everywhere--a few albums--Wonho leaning over the table, chin pressed down as he goes through his phone. Jooheon is sitting on a chair and quickly perks up. And--a woman, dressed in black pleat front pants and a white button up, hair long and golden, tied up in a ponytail, jumps off the table and turns around to look at them.

She’s… 

Beautiful isn’t the word. Pretty is definitely not the word.

She’s _gorgeous_. She looks like a model or some rich chaebol, what the hell.

“H--Hi,” Sangah says, voice small, bringing up a sweater paw to wave at, y’know, two idols and a gorgeous woman. No biggie.

“Er,” Kihyun steps aside but doesn’t let go of Sangah’s hand. It looks like he’s showing her off. He points at Jooheon, the woman and Wonho. “Lee Jooheon, Lee Dior and Shin Hoseok,” he says and then glances at Sangah before looking down. “Im Sangah, my girlfriend. And--” he points over his shoulder, “Hyungwon.”

Dior smiles a little, moves her eyes between Kihyun and Sangah and then looks at their hands. She grins and looks at Jooheon, slaps lightly at his shoulder. “I told you they were dating.”

Dior… Has to be the friend, there’s no other explanation, not with the way her eyes soften on Jooheon like instinct. But she… She’s so elegant and she doesn’t even _sound_ like… Well, even a little like Sangah.

Wonho jumps up with a wide smile, walking over to bow right in front of Sangah. Shin Hoseok, Wonho of Spectrum, just bowed. To her. Okay.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you!” Wonho enthuses. Sangah can barely see his eyes with how much she’s smiling which just makes her smile in return. Wonho’s eyes catch on Hyungwon, though, lips going into an ‘o’ of surprise. “Oh! It’s you!”

“Hello…” Hyungwon says, voice small. That’s… so cute. Stupid bestie, being soft.

Kihyun gestures at the chair, “Make yourselves comfortable,” he says, glances and Sangah and smiles a little, tugs at her hand.

“I’m comfortable when I’m clinging to you, thanks,” Sangah says under her breath, smiling shyly. But despite saying that, it still slaps her in the face when Kihyun sits down and pulls her close to sit on his lap.

“Fine,” Jooheon says, looking up at Dior with a fond roll of his eyes. “They’re dating. I’ll pay up when we get home.”

“Come on,” Wonho says, ushering Hyungwon into the room, who’s eyes go a little wide (so cute) when Wonho puts a hand on his back.

Sangah glances at Dior again before leaning into whisper to Kihyun. “She’s my literal goals.”

Kihyun laughs softly and rubs at her back, “Yeah, well… She worked hard to get here.

“That I did,” Dior says, still grinning and crossing her arms. She glances at Wonho who’s pulling Hyungwon along to sit next to him. Hyungwon looks like a startled but pliant cat. “Hm,” she blinks unevenly, one eye and then the other. It’s kind of endearing, and then she looks at Sangah, smiles and sits down next to Jooheon. “How old are you?” 

“Uhm,” Sangah blinks. “I’m turning twenty three in a month...”

“I like her hair,” Dior says to Jooheon before looking at Sangah, “I like your hair!”

“Thank you,” Sangah says, smiling shyly. “I… Like yours, too.”

“What’s your name again?” Wonho asks, eyes all big as he smiles at Hyungwon.

“Hyungwon”, Hyungwon says, bites both lips in and licks them. “The hair looks great--The MV, you did really good…”

Wonho seems to melt, looking way too soft for how big his muscles look in that tight grey sweater. “Awww, thank you…”

“How long, honey?” Dior asks softly, eyes soft on Sangah.

Sangah squeezes at Kihyun’s hand, warm under Dior’s soft gaze, but still, it feels so _odd _to be talking about it so openly, and to someone who actually _knows _what it feels like. “I’ve… known since I was, like, seventeen? Only been doing the, er,” she makes a little movement, index finger out and bringing her thumb in like shooting a gun. “Shots. For a few months, now…”

“Hm,” Dior narrows her eyes a little and then looks at Jooheon, hand coming up to her chin as she gestures vaguely at Sangah. “Better than when I started, remember?” Dior looks at Sangah, again. “You look really, really nice, honey. Really.”

Sangah’s heart melts a little and she smiles, face hot around her nose and eyes. “Thank you… You’re like--” Sangah laughs nervously. “Really pretty…”

Dior smiles back. “Thank you!” She straightens up like an extra boost of confidence surged through her body, shoulders wiggling a little as she does. “You know, the first thing I noticed was how my body hair was simply going away? It helped. When I was, hm, fourteen? I started shaving my legs because I wanted to be all smooth like a seal, like the other girls.” Dior makes a face. “It was _everything_ but smooth. Scratchy, scratchy.”

“I already got the--” Sangah motions to her face. “Er, laser hair removal thingy? For my face.”

“It will grow weaker and weaker, might not even grow back the second time,” Dior shrugs. “But that also depends on how hairy a girl is, you know?”

Kihyun tilts his head back and licks his lips, eyes on Jooheon, who just chuckles to himself and shrugs.

“I’m not--” Sangah flushes, glancing down and back. “Very hairy to begin with, so…” As much as she’s… enjoying, this enlightening conversation, she does feel a bit awkward.

Wonho and Hyungwon are talking about something Sangah only get glimpses off with how much she’s focusing on Dior right now.

“--you made her a fan? Woah, that’s so cool!”

“Say,” Dior chirps, “Comfortable to go for a walk with me and let the boys be boys?”

Sangah blinks up at her. _What kind of gorgeous woman mind-reading witchcraft_\--“Sure,” Sangah says, nodding and getting off of Kihyun’s lap, doing a little swish with her cardigan. Just… to tease. Since he seems to like her legs so much. She leans in and kisses him on the cheek. “Thank you…”

Kihyun blinks and smiles a little before waving her away and leaning over the table. “Careful, she bites,” he says, sticks his tongue out at Dior, who rolls her eyes and puts a hand to Sangah’s back once they leave. She’s… tall. And she’s owning it, especially considering the fact that she’s wearing actual heels. Well, wedges, but _still_.

They walk outside and make their way through the corridor and then out onto a balcony that opens to the little backyard of the building. It’s a garden with a fountain and a few pigeons strolling by the small grass. From up here, they look like little drones.

Dior takes a seat in one of the wooden chairs and gestures for Sangah to sit next to her. “So, Kihyun has a girlfriend,” she giggles. “Who’d have thought.”

“Well,” Sangah says, smiling down at her lap as she crosses her legs. “Leave them in there for long enough and Wonho might walk out with a boyfriend...” 

“Oooooh,” Dior giggles again, crosses her legs and sits straight, sitting tall. “I’ll make sure to steer the puppy, then. But we’re not here to talk about them. We’re here to talk about you. _If_ you want. If not then I can tell you about my cats.”

Sangah laughs softly, smiling over. “I’m sorry if I’m… awkward, I’ve just really never met anyone else like… _me_. Well--” Sangah glances her over. Are those fake boobs, too? If they’re real, Sangah is _jealous_. “Kind of like me.”

Dior smiles and shakes her head. “There is a little padding but they’re more or less real. I’m thinking if I should save up for surgery but… Honestly? Small boobies are still boobies and Joo likes them, so.”

Sangah blinks, a little fast. “Right. You--You and Jooheon, you…”

“Sorry,” Dior giggles, leans forward a little when she does, “I saw you staring. But yes, they’re real. And yes, Jooheon and I are dating.”

“Yeah, but--” Sangah’s mind races and she flushes red. This is too personal, isn’t it. “You have… sex.”

“Yes,” Dior giggles again. “I’ve had surgery… Two years ago, I think?” She hums for a moment and looks down to think before she nods, “Yep. Two years ago.”

“Did you… And god, please tell me to shut up, but--did you… _before_? I know a lot of girls do but…”

Dior shifts a little. “We tried… It… wasn’t what it is now. You know if… If it it’s something you want, something you need, I can assure it will feel right. First time we had sex after the surgery? More than feeling good, it felt fucking right. Not because of him. But because for the first time in forever I felt like I could do it the way I’d always wanted to do it.”

Sangah smiles soft, heart a little tight. “Ah, now I’m jealous again… I don’t thinking I could even _try _before…”

“Did you and Kihyun talk about it? Because,” Dior tilts her head. “It’s embarrassing but talking is important. Always.”

“I know, I know,” Sangah says, nodding. “We did. It was…” Sangah takes a breath. “Emotional? But our… disinterest in what’s currently between my legs or, well-- Sangah scoffs. Dior will get this. “My ass, right now, is mutual.”

Dior giggles, hand over her mouth as he lowers her head to hide her face before she straightens back up. “Right… But well, here’s the thing.” Dior narrows her eyes a little and smiles. “While it might sound like the end of the world--Yes, I know what you’re thinking… Most boys and sex, yadda yadda--They’re lovely, I love them but honestly? I would feel the same way, I think, if I were them. Jooheon understands me, it’s only fair I understand him. But the lack of sex shouldn’t be a problem. Just… _if_ you want, find something you’re comfortable with. Let him touch what you feel comfortable with and avoid the rest. Your body, your rules.”

Sangah nods in understanding, looking down. “There’s… not much I’m comfortable with at the moment, to be honest, but--” _Here comes the volcano cheeks_. “I’m… really happy touching _him_.” Sangah glances at Dior. “If… that were to happen.”

“Well, Joo was very _eager,”_ Dior scoffs. “He’s... bi. _Don't tweet it._ But I did care, even if he didn't. When we tried… I didn’t feel confident, could feel myself curling into my own shell. Which is why I decided I was going forward with it. So, I understand, maybe not to _that _extent, but I understand.”

“That means a lot, you have no idea,” Sangha laughs a little under her breath. “I thought--Well, I know it’s a spectrum and not all trans people feel dysphoria? I know of trans girls who love their dicks,” Sangah scoffs. “Like. You’re not born in the wrong body, it’s your body, it’s just _wrong_, but they… accept it. And I had nothing to save and I just… really wanted to be loved, and I felt so bad for not _being _one of those girls. So there I was, somewhere in between, I guess, I don’t know… Some people don’t need the surgery but… I’m glad I met someone who needed it the way I need it…”

“It’s complicated, isn’t it?” Dior asks softly, looks down. “Throughout my journey I’ve… doubted, others and myself. Changed my mind about a couple of things so many times… There are so many narratives, so many experiences. And in the end we just want to love ourselves and _be_ loved for who we are or who we want to be. There really is no right answer,” Dior shrugs, “There’s just your answer, for you. We all hold a bit of truth but we’re never alone with it. It’s just a bit, after all.”

Sangah pouts, leans a little to the side to poke at Dior with her forehead. “I’m glad I met you… What are the chances, right?”

Dior giggles. “Aish, I’m glad we educated that hamster now.”

“You talk about him the way Hyungwon talks to him,” Sangah scoffs. “So mean…”

Dior smiles a little. “Funnily enough, I owe him a lot. Because in his journey to understand, he taught me people can change their minds and learn, be better. But don’t tell him that, though. He gets awfully cocky.”

“Learned that the hard way,” Sangah laughs. “Hey, uhm, how come you don’t… you sound like your voice changed, too? But I know that’s not possible…”

Dior blinks. “Oh, I trained. You can train to make your voice sound a few keys higher. And I don’t mean falsetto, that’s for Yoo Kihyun to do on stage. You can train the key in which you speak. And once you manage, it can prove really hard to go back to the lower key with which you speak now.”

Sangah blinks. “Right, I’ve heard about that, but… I mean, do you hear me? There’s no way…”

“You’ll always be on a lower key,” Dior nods. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t go higher. If it bothers you, it’s worth a try. Besides, there are countless women out there with really deep voices.”

Sangah nods. And nods again, “Okay,” she says, sitting up straighter. “I’ll try. When I get home, I’m going on the internet!”

Dior smiles, “That’s the spirit!”

Sangah giggles. “Now I just need to wait for this--” Sangah gestures to her chest. “To be real.”

“Shouldn’t take too long--Ah--” Dior blinks in that uneven way she seems to do. “I should warn you, though, they’ll be very sensitive for a while.”

Sangah nods. “Right… That’s fine. Is it, in, like, a hurt way?”

“Sometimes you might feel a bit of pain, yes,” Dior pouts a little. “But it’s never something that lasts for long. And it’s pretty bearable. They’re very touch sensitive, though. I remember once I was getting out of the shower and the towel was fresh but not very soft and…” Dior giggles. “It rubbed there and I yelled so loud. It was so weird. Like, ouch?”

Sensitive… to touch. For some reason, Sangah flushes red and looks away. “I’ll… keep that in mind.”

“Also, honey,” Dior reaches over and holds Sangah’s hand, “Don’t let anyone define you. You choose what you like and how you like it. Everyone thinks they have an idea of how things are supposed to be… But every one of us is different and my experience is already different from yours. Doesn’t make yours any less valuable. So, no matter what some boy tells you or what other trans women tell you, it’s what you want for yourself that counts.”

Sangah pouts and looks over, leaning into Dior for a moment. “I really needed to hear that…”

“Good,” Dior nods. “Now give me your number, I need a friend to gush with.”

\---

“Did you look at our schedule for next week?” Kihyun mumbles, eyes on Jooheon’s hands over the table. They’ve both been ignoring Wonho’s whipped loud laugh whenever Hyungwon says something that is not even remotely funny. But at this point, they need something to talk about, too.

Of all the people to stan, _fanboy_ had to go and stan the only man who _looooves_ being loved, admired, recognized and adored. And may or may not have an obvious soft spot for tall, pretty (Kihyun hates to admit) dudes.

It’s all very cute. Until it isn’t.

“Mm?” Jooheon goes, looking up. “Oh, right. Pretty busy, actually, hang on,” Jooheon says and unlocks his phone. “We have… Two nights we’re not working. Joys.”

“Geh,” Kihyun makes a face and then sighs. “Right now the interviews are more tiring than the damn concerts. It’s--” he reaches up to rub at his eye and sniffle before leaning back on his chair. “A different kind of tiring.”

“Dude, you look… Really tired. Your bags have bags.”

Kihyun huffs a laugh. “We went to bed late--we arrived at like, what, two? And then there was this stupid bird chirping at five in the morning. Couldn’t fall asleep again.” Kihyun laughs and raises a hand before letting fall over his thigh with a slap. “Merry Christmas!”

“Merry Christmas!” Wonho chirps out of nowhere before turning back to Hyungwon. _Idiot_.

Jooheon rolls his eyes with a laugh and sits back, glancing at the door. “I think Dior might have ran away with your girlfriend, dude…”

Kihyun shifts a little to look over his shoulder at the door. “Hm… It’s fine, Sangah can kick.” He sighs and straightens up again before melting slightly down the chair, knees spreading a little._ Sleeeeeeeepyyyyyyy._ “Sorry, by the way, for keeping it all very hush hush. It… It wasn’t my story to tell, so...”

Hyungwon glances over with something that might even be approval, before smiling back at Wonho.

“It’s cool, bro, I get it. Probably wouldn’t even have known if it wasn’t for the--” Jooheon points to his throat. “Voice. She’s pretty, I’m happy for you.”

Kihyun smiles a little at his hands over his lap. Because yes, she’s pretty. And a load of other things that make Kihyun’s heart tighten sometimes. And even if there are other things he doesn’t quite understand, it’s not his place to understand as long as he respects it. In the end, there are things he can’t change about himself. But hopefully that won’t be a problem.

Because he loves the way she laughs, even when it cracks. _Especially_ when it cracks. He loves how pretty her hair is no matter what colour she dyes it in. He likes how unconventional she is, how she's different from most girls with the things she says, the things she likes. He loves how clingy she gets, loves the way she kisses even when she says she doesn’t know what she’s doing. And he loves the scent underneath the perfumes she wears. 

It’s a shop list of things that keeps growing. And while part of him wishes he could be more perfect for her just like she’s perfect for him, he’s fine with at least trying to be a better version of himself.

“Remember when…” Kihyun narrows his eyes and glances up. “When Dior started wearing pants? Not the big ones. The skinny jeans and what not?”

Joo narrows his eyes in amusement. “Yeeees?”

Kihyun points at him, “Legs. You were right.” Kihyun lets his hand falls and groans a little before leaning forward to whisper. “Is it bad that I’m curious? I know she hides a lot of stuff because she feels more comfortable that way… But like… Help?”

Jooheon barks a laugh and Hyungwon, thank god, seems too preoccupied with Wonho to pay attention. “Oh, man. Well, you’ve always been an ass guy, so… Not sure what you want me to do here, dude.”

Kihyun groans again and crosses his arms around his head on the table. “Ugh… Look, I mean… I don’t know? She always wears things that cover pretty much everything… And while it’s fine if, you know, _Dior._” Kihyun glances up. “Not that she has much ass to go on, but Sangah--”

Jooheon blinks slowly at him. “Dude…”

“Sorry,” Kihyun mumbles and hides his face again, hears Jooheon laugh. “Sometimes I have freak out moments, don’t mind me.”

“Hm,” Jooheon goes and Kihyun feels something, the hard sole of a shoe, tap at his knee and when he looks up, Jooheon’s got his leg crossed, ankle on his knee. “While I’m sure Dior is filling Sangah up on _that _part of the equation, the other part is, well, me, so. If you wanna talk…?”

Kihyun frowns a little and then glances at Hyungwon and Wonho before looking away and sighing. “Nah, I’m fine… It’s just… I don’t know. It’s fine. It’s great. That’s not--The problem, if the is one, is me, so…” He sighs again. “But, really. It’s okay.” He looks at Jooheon. “But back to asses, though…”

“She has one, I assume?”

“I have _no_ idea, I mean _yes!_ Everyone has one, Jooheon… You know what I mean.”

“Well, since I’m dating Dior, the assless wonder,” Jooheon scoffs. “Who, by the way, is looking into something for that but that is _not _the point. Hey, Wonho--” Jooheon elbows at him, who looks up, startled. “Wanna lend some ass to trans girls in need?”

“Or everyone, really,” Kihyun mutters. “I mean, I’m fine. But…” He leans back and glances at Hyungwon before raising an eyebrow. Why does Kihyun feel like picking a fight with this man for no reason? _Well._ He started it, so maybe that's why.

Hyungwon opens his mouth, like he’s one step ahead of him, but the door opens and Sangah walks in, giggling with Dior.

And this is how boy-talk dies.

“Hey, Sangah?” Jooheon asks and Sangah turns to him with a smile.

“Hmm?”

“That’s a really nice cardigan,” Jooheon says, standing up. “Can I try it on? If you don’t mind, I mean.”

Kihyun looks at Jooheon and stares. More like _glares._

Jooheon remains unbothered. Sangah smiles though, and shrugs off the cardigan (the pattern really looks like some sort of candy cane) and walks closer to hand it over. “Seeing you on stage with this would be… Interesting.”

Jooheon wiggles his eyebrows and grins in that mischievous way he does sometimes, where his eyes are just a little bit too wide, before pulling on the cardigan. “Ooooh, it’s soft,” he goes, eyes all wide and Sangah giggles.

Kihyun rests an elbow on the table and hides his face in his hand, eyes peeking out to look at Jooheon in the cardigan. He can feel his eyes wanting to tug left, like magnets to what they _want_ to look at. And even though he tries not to, in the end, he does look at what he wants to look at.

And, _well…_

Curiosity killed the cat...

So, Kihyun glances away.

… But satisfaction brought it back.

So, he looks again. _Because why not._

Kihyun leans back on the chair, arms crossed over his chest, and lets his head fall back so he can stare contemplatively at the ceiling. He clears his throat and catches Dior by the corner of his eye. She’s looking at Sangah, all soft eyed. It’s… nice. And hopefully, all of this helped in more ways than one.

That _one_ being; curiosity satisfied. Sangah has a really nice ass.

\---

Insecurities are stupid. Really, really stupid. 

It’s a comeback. Kihyun is _stupidly _busy, so Sangah barely gets to see him while still seeing him everywhere. She watches every show despite how much she’s working, because it helps, like a little boost, and watches all the interviews. 

That boy? Isn’t the boy who kisses her softly, or holds her hand. Not really. And that should make it easier to see _that _Kihyun holding hands with girls at fansigns, looking at them with soft eyes. It should be fine. But insecurities are stupid, because it _is _fine, and yet Sangah can’t help that tight feeling she gets in her throat despite rationality. Because that boy? In a way, is the same one who kisses her softly, holds her hands and tells her nice things, sweet things. They're one and the same, and yet not really; the line that separates them in thin, and sometimes a blur.

I miss you(Purple Heart )  
This really is your best comeback yet (Purple Heart )  


And that’s that. It’s fine. She still takes an extra project and stays up way too late to finish it because, _you know, coping_.

But days turn into weeks. She didn’t see Kihyun on New Year’s Eve and she doesn’t see him until the end of January. 

It’s her birthday. And Kihyun hasn’t said anything yet. It’s her birthday, _just_ her birthday. And yet, despite the messages that pour in from the few friends she has, the one she wants to see the most doesn’t seem pop on her phone.

Hyungwon had nagged her for days beforehand to go out and do something, but she’s happy (somewhat) just staying at home, eating ice cream out of the tub and making presentations for rich people.

And she’s fine being alone, but… She waits.

She waits but nothing comes. No text from Kihyun. Not until later that day, when the sun has set almost four hours ago and the night stretches in.

Kihyun  
Doooooor!!!!  


Sangah blinks at her phone. Door._ Oh! _She scrambles up, makes sure not to look at herself in the mirror on the way to the door (her hair is a mess and she’s wearing the comfiest sweatpants and just a t-shirt) and it doesn’t even… really matter. Because her heart is loud and it’s her birthday and she can finally, _finally_ kiss her damn boyfriend again.

She opens the door and barely sees much before there are hands on her face, pulling her closer, cold lips on hers. She whimpers and she doesn’t even care, just clings.

Kihyun aimlessly reaches back with one hand to close the door and then leans back against it, keeps kissing Sangah slow and soft before leaning away and smooching her face all over.

Sangah’s chest feels full again, _finally_. “Missed you, too,” Sangah mumbles and then giggles.

Kihyun pulls her into a hug and squeezes a little. “Happy birthday, princess…”

Sangah pouts and squeezes, ignore the way her eyes burn a little. She walks backwards with him until she pulls him onto the couch, legs around him as they sit and she clings.

“Raccoon evolving into a koala?” Kihyun asks, pulling Sangah over his lap and cuddling her. _Best birthday present ever_.

“When left in isolation,” Sangah teases, face nuzzling into his neck.

Kihyun laughs a little and kisses her head. “Just a few more weeks… And then… I’ll take you on a bunch of dates and bother you so much you’ll have to kick me to leave you alone.”

“Sounds unlikely,” Sangah says, leaning back to look at Kihyun (despite what she looks like right now) and thumb at his cheek, pouting. “Thank you for coming today…”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Kihyun says, smiling a little and leaning into the touch. “Actually, I was wondering if…” He blinks and then turns his face to kiss Sangah’s palm. “I could sleep on your couch tonight? I have to be somewhere tomorrow morning and it’s close by, so…”

Sangah nods, eyes soft. “Of course you can… You can--Well,” Sangah flushes. “Not like _that_, just, I have a double bed, you really don’t have to sleep on the couch…”

“Oh,” Kihyun blinks. “Sure. Honestly, I’d fall asleep in your tub if I had to. No biggie.”

Sangah giggles, leaning in to press kisses all over his face. “I’m so--” _Smooch_. “Stupidly--” _Smooch. _“Happy to see you, _ugh_!”

Kihyun scrunches his nose but smiles. “Aw… that makes happy…” He nuzzles. “I’m happy to see you, too.”

“Are you tired?”

“I’m okay,” Kihyun says, holds Sangah on his lap as if she were a baby and kisses her cheek. She feels so small, it’s so nice. “You look soft today…”

Sangah giggles. “Shut up, I look terrible, look at this--” Sangah says, fluffing at her already messy hair and pinching up her white t-shirt.

“It’s cute,” Kihyun pouts. “Makes you look soft… Bet you’d look really good all dressed up in baggy sweaters. I could hold your sweater paws.”

“With jeans?” Sangah teases.

Kihyun raises an eyebrow. “You’re the devil. A cute devil,” he whines lowly before leaning in and nomming loudly on Sangah’s cheek.

It tickles, for some reason, and Sangah flails while still clinging. “Oh? I’m the devil?” she manages through her giggles. “I’ve been watching your stages, Mr. Body Rolls.”

“Shhhhhh,” Kihyun says as he hides his face into her hair and her neck, “We don’t speak of that.”

“If you’re allowed to look at my ass, I am allowed to look at your body rolls.”

Kihyun pauses and leans back. “How do you know I look at your ass?”

“I may not know Jooheon very well, but I know for a fact he’d _never _wear that stupid cardigan.”

Kihyun frowns and then shrugs, nuzzles in again. “Not my fault it’s nice to look at…”

“See? That’s--” Sangah pokes at his side, giggles. “What you should have said in the first place. Like, on Christmas, on the way home, ‘_hey, Sangah, nice ass_.’”

“Am I allowed to say that?” Kihyun asks, leaning back with a pout.

Sangah blinks at him, huffs a laugh. “Girls and boys have asses, Kihyun. I only hide it because I don’t have like, _any _hips.”

Kihyun tilts his head and looks at Sangah’s torso. “Does it bother you?” He asks softly before looking up again.

Sangah shrugs, looking down. “Just a little, but--” she motions to her shoulders. “Much worse,” she huffs a laugh.

“Hm…” Kihyun looks down. “Wanna swap? I give you my small shoulders and you give yours? Because, honestly, please. I need broader shoulders.”

Sangah rolls her eyes fondly. “No, you don’t. You’re perfect just the way you are.”

Kihyun blinks, “Ooooh…” He leans in, smiling a little and kisses Sangah’s nose. “So are you, though. To me at least.”

Sangah melts all over Kihyun. “He’s so smoooooooth,” Sangah groans, and then feels a little pang in her chest at all those fan encounters, the little flirty post its. “Well, you have been getting a lot of practice recently…”

Kihyun leans back and blinks. “I have?”

Sangah rolls her eyes with a small smile. “Fans like to brag about all the nice things Yoo Kihyun said to them… People take videos and freak out to see how you hold hands with those girls… Stuff like that…” Sangah shrugs, looking at her nails.

Kihyun keeps blinking and then bites both lips in, watches Sangah’s for a moment before shifting her over his lap so she’s straddling him. “Im Sangah… are you jealous?” he asks teasingly, hands on her hips.

“I am a… lot of things,” Sangah says, flushing. “That might be one of the things…”

“Hm, and what are the other things…?” Kihyun asks, leaning in to kiss at Sangah’s jaw and trail his lips up to her ear. She can’t stop the little shiver, doesn’t even bother. She swallows and clears her throat.

“Insecure,” she admits, voice barely in human hearing range.

Kihyun leans back and looks at her. “Insecure…?” He frowns a little. “That’s not good. We can’t have that…” He moves his hands to her lower back, “Legs around me, princess.”

Sangah’s eyes go a little wide, cheeks pink, but… Who is she to refuse? She clings, legs around him and face over his shoulder. “Now I’m scared,” she teases softly.

“Nah, don’t be,” Kihyun says, moving to the edge of the couch and then leaning forward. 

Sangah feels herself being tipped back and then picked up when Kihyun stands up, hands on the back of her thighs to hike her up a little as she giggles softly. 

Sangah isn’t a small girl, she only wishes she could be shorter, more petite, but Kihyun picks her up, and she may not be any of those things, but for a moment it… actually feels like it.

“So, I’m here, thinking…” Kihyun says as he walks to the side and closer to a wall, slowly presses Sangah against it. “What should I do to prove to you that you’re really, really special to me, you know,” he says, kisses her cheek and then leans back just enough to look at her. “So, I thought that, for now, I’ll just kiss you silly…”

“Oh,” Sangah breathes, licking her lips and glancing down at Kihyun’s. “I suppose that’ll do…”

“Good, then,” Kihyun mumbles and leans in, slots his lips with Sangah’s and moves them them slowly, pressing her just a little more against the wall. And because it’s been _weeks_, because Kihyun is so beautiful, her first love, she kisses back, parting her lips to lick into his mouth, pull him closer with her legs, with her hands on his shoulders, up to his neck. It makes Kihyun sigh a little into her mouth.

Their kisses have always been soft, slow. But this one? It turns a little desperate. Not in the sense of desperation itself, but passionate. Because if Kihyun is one thing in all his paths through life, is passionate. And Sangah has never been kissed with _want_ before. But Kihyun kisses her like he wants her.

It tugs at both her heart and somewhere low in her stomach, which she really, _really _has to ignore. But she works a hand into Kihyun’s hair, scratching lightly at his scalp; wants, and _wants_, god, does she want, but this is enough. For her, at least... for now.

When Kihyun pulls away, his lips are puffy and red and he keeps his eyes on Sangah’s mouth, leans in to give her a soft kiss and then back to glance up at her eyes. “Feeling better…?” He asks, voice a little scratchy.

She’s never heard him like this before, it’s… _ugh! _It makes Sangah want to squirm and whine and bring him close, as close as possible, but…

“Much,” Sangah breathes and swallows, eyes flicking down before back up. “And you?”

Kihyun huffs a laugh and nuzzles in, “I just kissed the girl I like, I’m great.”

_And I love you… _

“So, now,” Kihyun says, groans a little as he pulls Sangah away from the wall and inverts their position, hikes her up even more so she’s sitting on his arms, crossed under her butt, and looking down at him. “Wanna get comfy and watch a show or something before we sleep?”

Sangah nods, smiling. “I’ll get my laptop… There’s sweatpants that’ll fit you if you wanna borrow them…”

“That would be a gem because I’ll die if I have to sleep in jeans.”

“Hell is just always having to sleep in jeans, seriously.”

Kihyun blinks. “You… You just had to go and give me nightmare material…”

“All angels go to heaven,” Sangah giggles, kissing Kihyun’s forehead before wiggling for him to put her down.

“Hm,” Kihyun nizzles in, arms sliding to her waist to let her plop down but not letting go. “Then I suppose I’ll see you there?”

“Third drawer,” Sangah says, nodding and turning Kihyun around to push him softly towards her bedroom, poking at his butt with a little grin.

Kihyun stumbles a little and then looks over his shoulder, frowns. “This… is _unfair.”_

“Never said you couldn’t touch my butt,” Sangah says, sticking her tongue out at him.

“And you tell me that _now?!_ Where was that piece of information, like, five minutes ago?”

“Oh,” Sangah says, tilting her head and looking at him all innocently. “We were done?”

Kihyun makes a confused face and then blinks. “Uhm… Is that a, uhm, trick question?”

Sangah cackles, walks forward to push him again. “Just go--You can touch my butt in a minute!”

“Naaah,” Kihyun says, “Now it’s just, not the time. There’s a time. I’ll get there.”

Sangah narrows her eyes before she rolls them, turning around to go fetch her laptop in the kitchen. “Dummy…”

She’d tried to bake something, found a YouTube video and just ended up… watching it without baking anything, but she’d left it there, because, well, _lazy_. She takes the laptop and the plug and walks into the bedroom and turns right the fuck around again. 

_Whelp_.

“Sorry,” Sangah squeaks, scrunching her eyes closed. Maybe that will get rid of the image of Kihyun in his underwear. Maybe.

“That’s… That’s fine…” Kihyun says, more like mumbles. “Okay, you can look now…”

Sangah walks in backwards towards the bed, in an attempt to be funny. “Nope, not risking it!”

Kihyun scoffs a laugh. “Silly…”

She falls down on the bed with her laptop on her stomach, looking up at him. Just sweatpants and a t-shirt and Sangah is _devastated_. 

“I’m a little over halfway, by the way,” Sangah mumbles, scooting up the bed and leaning over to plug in the charger. “Saving up, I mean.”

“Oh…” Kihyun says as he sits down and crawls closer. _Cute._ He huffs a breath when he sits down next to Sangah and smiles at her. “That’s great! You’ll see. Before you know it, you’ll have all you need.”

Sangah smiles back, wide. “I hope so! Been working hard. Made more in the last months than the previous two combined.” She opens the laptop and waits for it to start up. “I also realized, sadly enough, that I get paid more since I had to give them my ID, so they all think I’m a boy. Kind of fucky, right?”

“Hm,” Kihyun leans back and folds one arm over his torso, the other wrapping around Sangah’s shoulders. “It’s not unheard of… Unfortunately, being a guy gives you privileges. It’s changing, even in the industry I’m in, but it’s not changing fast enough. And nothing relevant has been done so far…”

Sangah huffs a breath. “_Yep_. Oh, well, I don’t really mind. All my official stuff, my high school diploma, all that, has my old name and stuff so it’s just… easier. I need the money, I can’t be too picky.”

“Can I ask what your old name was?” Kihyun mumbles.

Sangah looks over at him, biting at her lip. “Changkyun,” she says, voice small. “Only Hyungwon knows that. Well, except for you, now, obviously...”

Kihyun smiles and laughs a little, kisses Sangah’s face. “Now I feel all special… It’s a nice name, though. Changkyun… But--” He squints a little and looks at Sangah. “Can’t really place it. Maybe it’s ‘cause I’m not used to it. You’re just… You have your name’s face? Sangah.”

Sangah laughs softly. “Thanks… In another life, I think, I’d be happy with Changkyun.”

“Maybe in that life I’m really, really gay, who knows.”

Sangah barks a laugh. “It’s like--ripples in the universe. I’m a guy, so you’re gay so we can smooch, but in this life, you’re straight, because I’m a girl.”

“My brain is about to split…”

“Ehehehe,” Sangah giggles, leaning in to smooch Kihyun’s cheek.

They just scroll through Netflix for ten minutes before deciding, and it’s something Sangah’s seen before, but that’s okay, she’s more than happy resting her cheek on Kihyun’s chest (_this boy has a bigger chest than I do, what the hell_) and listening to his heartbeat, feel his hand in her hair, leg in between his.

Her eyes on the screen get heavier and heavier until they’re closed more often than not. She moves her hand a little on Kihyun’s chest next to her face, mumbling, “I’ma… shlep.”

Kihyun turns his face, lips against her hair and mumbles, “Should I move to the sofa or something…?”

“Move and I’ll kill you,” Sangah mumbles.

“Yes, ma’am,” Kihyun chuckles. 

A few more minutes and her head is total mush, and the last thing she remembers is some fight scene on the screen, and her mumbling softly, “Love you…”

\---

The message comes from Kihyun first, a few days after Valentine’s Day (which he couldn’t meet with Sangah for because of a concert in _frickin’_ Japan), before it reaches Twitter.

Kihyun  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
ye SO LIKE]  
WE’VE BEEN NOMINATED FOR BAND AND POPULARITY AWARD???  


Sangah knows Kihyun will fully appreciate the way she screams to herself in her bedroom. 

OH MY GOD THAT’S  
KIHYUN I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!  
WHICH SHOW?????  
Kihyun  
SEOUL MUSIC AWARDS  
Dunno why they’re holding in February again  
But that helps!!!  
THAT’S SO GOOD I’M SO  
DJGKDJFHGFDJG  
you deserve it I’m so happy  
Kihyun  
Popularity Awards!!!  
Sangah if we win we’re gonna get paid way more  
I’m!!!!  
Nice. #Money  
Seriously though you guys came so far I’m so sure you’re gonna win  
If you cry on stage, I’ll cry, you know this  
Kihyun  
I don’t cry  
I’m strong  
Sweetie…  
Kihyun  
You’re supposed to agree with me  
You like me because I’m different so deal   
Send Joo and Wonho my regards too!  
And hey, I know you guys had tension but  
If this is Minwoo and Jungso’s last comeback…  
I really hope you guys win  
Kihyun  
Me too…  
Thank you princess  
ily  


Sangah blinks at her phone. “What now.”

She takes a screenshot, sends it to Hyungwon.

WHAT DOES THIS MEANLKSJDFDKGHFK  
Hyungwon  
HMMM  
Let me fetch my straight glasses first  
Ah yes this clearly means  
That it’s a vague implication of love  
Could be I like you or I love you but is more commonly used for I love you  
AKDJHFDSKJHG  
I LITERALLY TOLD HIM I LOVED HIM AGES AGO BUT LIKE  
IT’S FINE I DON’T MIND BUT  
THIS ISN’T IT??? RIGHT??? LIKE  
SORRY I’M FREAKING ORUTJIFDGHFJGH  
Hyungwon  
Why are you asking me this  
Ask him  
How dare you give me good advice  
I don’t wanna  
Hyungwon  
It’s what I’m here for  
Do you want me to ask for you  
Give me his number  
NO  
Not giving you Wonho’s nr either  
Mostly because I don’t have it  


Sangah falls down onto her bed like a starfish. What is life. What is _life_.

She goes back to the chat and hell, whatever it means, she means it when she texts back; 

ily2  


And once again, it’s fighting against time that just passes but not as fast as it does when Sangah is having a good time.

Eventually, though, it’s awards day. So, obviously, Hyungwon parks himself on Sangah’s couch and they turn on the TV to watch both the red carpet and the award show.

“Not to be me,” Sangah says, curled up under a blanket on the couch, feet against Hyungwon’s legs. “But he looks cold. Beautiful! But cold.”

“It’s winter and they’re wearing like two layers of thin clothing,” Hyungwon scoffs. “Imagine the girls, though, in those dresses.”

Sangah shivers and pulls the blanket closer over herself. “Ugh, no! Those poor things, I wanna wrap them in blankets and give them sweatpants! But still! That looks like silk, why is Wonho wearing silk, ugh, his nipples gonna break free soon...”

“Wouldn’t that be a sight for sore eyes…”

“Put the thirst on hold and imagine that poor, poor baby having a cold,” Sangah pouts.

“Fair… But only because I can’t take care of him.”

The award show is always entertaining. Even when groups don’t win, the performances are usually amazing and it’s a chance to see idols interacting with each other. But it gets better after knowing the people in real life. Because, sure, Kihyun looks composed. But when Wonho tweets a few minutes later, while most people can only say ‘aw, poor baby’, Sangah knows that it’s not just about ‘aw, poor baby’. Because Kihyun really gets nervous before he has to go on stage.

“I spot legs,” Hyungwon says, helpful as always.

“Not now, I have to send love,” Sangah says, and proceeds to absolutely wreck their chat with little purple hearts and stars.

“Now,” Sangha nods, putting down the phone to keep watching the show. “I can focus on the leggies.”

Honestly, half these awards seem rigged. It’s like it’s a simulation, always playing out exactly the same way because it is convenient to have it like this. And while it’s true that Spectrum has quite the international fandom, despite a few concerts here and there, they haven’t really gone on a World Tour. So, at some point, Hyungwon comments that it’s very likely that they won’t win. But that it’s the thought that counts. That being there, being nominated is already a privilege.

And yet, today, on the 28th Edition of the festival, Spectrum wins both the Popularity Award and the Band Award.

The first time they announce it, Kihyun doesn’t even get up. He just looks around confused and leans forward to look at Wonho, who seems just as confused but is already getting up. And while Wonho makes a little speech, Kihyun keeps holding the little trophy and looks at it, turning it over and looking at it.

It makes Sangah smile through her happy tears. “I knew it.”

The second time, though. They get up as if it’s on instinct. And this time, Wonho cries and so does Minwoo, so Jooheon gives the speech (a little rushed because he wants to cry, too). And again, Kihyun is just there, looking between the people and the trophy, eyes all shiny, eyebrows furrowing upwards in a telling way.

“Oh no,” Sangah whines softly. “He’s gonna cry, _oh no_… Hyungwooooon,” she whines and flops down, clinging onto Hyungwon’s skinny arm. “They did iiiiit.”

“Wonho is crying…” Hyungwon mumbles. And when he sniffles and Sangah looks up, Hyungwon is tearing up. Sangah pouts at him and brings her sweater paw up to pat lightly at Hyungwon’s face, like a gentle cat.

“S’cause he’s happy,” Sangah says, face still all wet from the first win’s tears, and it’s not looking good for this second one. “It’s okay…”

Hyungwon nods. “He looks soft when he cries, I’m emo…”

Sangah withdraws the paw and pouts some more. When she glances back to the TV, they’re off stage and instead of spamming Kihyun’s phone, she just retweets a bunch of stuff and rests her head against Hyungwon’s arm.

“He said they’re gonna make a lot more money now,” Sangha mumbles, scrolling through Twitter. So many gifs of them crying, huh.

Hyungwon sniffles and glances over. “Does it bother you?”

“What? No. Why would it?”

“Dunno, some people get antsy when their other halves get all busy and swimming in money.”

“Last time I got antsy, I also got, like, the best kiss of my life, so… M’good.”

They spend the rest of the night being lazy until Hyungwon has to leave. And right when Sangah thinks she can finally fall asleep, her phone buzzes with a text.

Kihyun  
Wouldn’t have made it this far if not for you too  
I love you, Sangah  


It’s one of those moments she knows she’ll always remember. And she has no need to screencap, or scream, or freak out, because… it’s right there, it’s there and it feels so right that she smiles to herself and glances up at the stars on her ceiling.

And maybe the stars don’t care, maybe the universe just rolls dice and watches everything unfold. Maybe it wasn’t written in the stars, or maybe it was, but at the end of the day, it’s having the courage to love, and be loved in return.

I love you, too, Kihyunnie  
Congratulations of the awards!!!!!!!  


She clutches her phone close to her chest and feels those three words right there, wrapped around her heart to keep it safe.

\---

It’s busy until the end of June. Kihyun barely sounds alive whenever they talk on the phone at night, but it’s fine. It’s fine because every day that passes is a day closer to… well, seeing him again.

So, it’s on a particular warm day, around lunch time, when Sangah is coming back from the convenience store, bags in her hands, that she finds a casual-looking Yoo Kihyun sitting by the front door of her building, legs crossed, eyes on the screen of his phone.

She almost can’t believe it, but it hurts how much she wants to.

“Kihyun..?”

He looks up from his phone--was that a game?--and smiles. “Oh!” He gets up, opens his mouth to say something but then notices the bags and quickly takes one from Sangah’s hand. “Shopping?” He asks, peeking inside the bag. “I see no Red Bulls…”

She raises the other bag, still just… staring at him. “Bean… Cheaper…”

“Oh,” Kihyun nods, looks up at her and leans in, stops just a breath away and looks at her eyes, a little hesitantly. 

“Are you--” Sangah laughs softly, flustered. “Looking for something in there or…?”

Kihyun closes the distance and smooches her lips before leaning back. “Think I found it.”

Sangah’s heart tightens because--because, well, they’ve never really kissed _outside _before. She brings her free hand up to Kihyun’s neck to pull him in for another small smooch before leaning back, nodding. “Right, so, you’re coming inside, right? If you try to run, I’ll throw a packet of ramen at your head, I swear.”

Kihyun laughs and turns to let Sangah pass, “Yep. I actually came here to declare that I am now available for you all the time for the next… two months?” He glances up, squints and nods. “Will still have to go to the studio for a few things but overall free and available.”

Sangah gasps. “No way! I have a boyfriend, again?” she jokes.

“That--” Kihyun frowns and then pouts. “Ouchie…” 

“Aw, nooo,” Sangah whines, pecks little kisses on his cheek. “I was joking I’m just--Happy that I’m gonna get to see you more often, that’s all.”

Kihyun smiles. “Alright, then… Let’s go inside?” He shifts the bag from one hand to the other and takes the second bag from Sangah’s hand. “I have something for you. Call it a late birthday present since I couldn’t get you anything last time.”

“What? It’s June!” Sangah laughs, opening the door to the building. “I mean, pfff, I’ll totally take it. Is it smooches? I like those.”

“Hm…” Kihyun squints playfully. “It might include smooches, yes.”

“Oooh, I like it already,” Sangah laughs softly and can’t stop looking at him, all the way up to her flat and even when he helps her put things away. He knows where everything is by now; she swears he’s got, like, a mental chart or something, it’s insane. He even knows where the spices are, the ones that Sangah never uses, what the hell.

When they’re done she folds the plastic into those little triangles the way her mother taught her and then, once that's done, too, she pulls Kihyun to the couch.

“Okay, I’m ready,” Sangah smiles wide.

“Well,” Kihyun says, tousling a little at Sangah’s now black hair. It’s been black again for a while, because honestly? Dyeing her hair is _expensive_, and it makes her scalp all red and itchy and she likes the black, so black it shall remain. “First of all,” Kihyun shifts a little and then reaches for his phone, taps at it and then at an app Sangah recognizes as a bank app. “You can’t say no, because I am literally offering this without expecting anything in return. And--” he taps again and then turns the phone to her, smiling small. “A few months ago… I made a savings account. And, well, it was just small bits here and there but… recently, I managed to deposit quite a large amount and--” Kihyun hands Sangah the phone. “It’s yours.”

Sangah frowns at him for a moment longer, before looking at the phone in her hand, the other immediately coming up to her mouth, eyes wide and up to Kihyun. “Kihyun, this is--this is too much, I…”

Almost seven million won.

“Nah-ah,” Kihyun shakes his head, pushes the phone closer to Sangah. “It’s not. I’ll make the same amount back in a few months, it’s fine. Just--Please?”

Sangah looks down at it again, speechless and overwhelmed. “This…” There are tears, too, but it’s okay, they’re not sad. “I’d just--I’d just need a few more months and I’d have enough, I--” She feels the sob before she hears it, clambering over the couch to throw herself into Kihyun’s arms. 

Kihyun holds her close and laughs a little. “Yeah, well, and you can schedule it as soon as possible. You only need to pay once everything’s done so, even if there’s a bit missing, I don’t mind pitching in. You can pay me back in kisses.”

It really is overwhelming, if not entirely surreal. So Sangah laughs a little through her sobs and clings so damn tight it probably hurts (hurts her chest, a bit, in all honesty), and tries to process it.

“I love you so much,” she says and for a second, cries just a little harder.

Kihyun kisses the top of her head and squeezes tight. He pauses, though, for a moment. “Are these… boobies I feel?”

Sangah laughs again, rubbing her face a little against his sweater before leaning back. “I just… love that you can tell the difference between those fake ones I’ve been wearing and, well, yeah.” She flushes. “Boobies.”

Kihyun narrows his eyes and brings both hands up, fingers moving as if squeezing. “Booobies,” he says and then snorts a laugh. “Honestly, they’re smaller than the usual boobies so… Yeah. But that’s okay. They’re yours so I love them.”

Sangah has to hide her face in her hands, feels the heat against her palms. “Oh my god,” she laughs and lets them fall. “They’re still--this is beginning phase boobies, okay! I checked and--” she lifts her chin a little as if proudly. “They’re actually growing a lot bigger than most this early on.”

Kihyun blinks. “Not to be me but… Yay?”

Sangah rolls her eyes fondly. “Trust me, I’m just as happy as you are. Although they’re--” Sangah flushes. _Nope. Don’t_.

Kihyun looks at Sangah and then at her chest before looking up again and reaching up to boop her nose with his finger. “Hey… I’m going to say something and… Just take it as it is, okay?”

Sangah reaches up for his hand and holds it close as she nods. “Okay.”

“I know you wanna do this, I know,” Kihyun says softly. “But if in the end you get there and you change your mind? That’s okay, too.”

Sangah blinks. “I’m--I’m not going to, though..?”

“I know, I suppose. I’m just saying.”

Sangah smiles small and looks down at Kihyun’s hand, scooting a little closer as she… well. Takes his hand and puts it on one of her boobs, over her bra, over her shirt.

Kihyun blinks at his hand and then up at her before looking back down and narrowing his eyes, cheeks a little pink. “I’m… Okay.” He tilts his head to the side and frowns at the wall despite how he keeps his hand where it is. “Yep, totally fine.”

Sangah blushes and it’s… He’s _holding _her _boob_. She has a boob! For him to hold! It’s great. She feels… so stupidly feminine over something so small (well, hopefully not for long). Her face is still a little wet so she wipes at it with her sleeve but the movement makes Kihyun’s hand brush a little over the fabric over her nipple and it--

_Yep, Dior was right._

Not that she hasn’t noticed! They’re sensitive. Really sensitive. But now? _Hyper_sensitive.

Sangah hears herself make a small sound and then freezes, Kihyun’s hand still, well, _there_. Even though he seems to have frozen, too, and is looking at her a little confused.

She flushes and shifts--_bad idea, bad idea_, but this time she just frowns a little--before softly admitting; “They’re… sensitive.”

Kihyun blinks and then looks at his hand before pulling it back a little as he sits up. “Did I hurt you?” he asks.

Sangah shakes her head, fast and quick. “No, it’s not--a painful kind of… sensitive… ugh,” Sangah brings her hands up to hide her bright red face.

“Oh… Oh!” _You didn’t have to go all Eureka! about it, idiot. Even if it’s kind of cute. _“Okay…” Kihyun says, wraps his arms around Sangah’s waist. “Hey… it’s… It’s okay.” He leans in to kiss her hands. “Look at me, baby?”

Princess or baby. Either way? Deadly. 

Although the one is very sweet and the other can be, well…

She peeks through her fingers before dropping her hands, looking into his eyes.

“I love you,” Kihyun says seriously before smiling a little. It’s the first time he’s said it face to face.

Sangah looks at him, eyes searching. She smiles soft and nods, leaning in to kiss his lips. “I love you, too, Kihyun… Thank you--” she kisses him again, a little more pressure. “So much--” And again. “For being you.”

Kihyun nuzzles in, “Thank you for giving me a new dream…”

Sangah pouts, “Sappy,” she mumbles against his lips, pout pressing against his bottom lip.

“Yep,” Kihyun grins as he lets himself fall back and brings Sangah over him, squeezes a little and kisses her. “I told you, remember? I’m really lame.”

“And I told you,” she breathes. “You’re perfect.” She presses in and sure, she could always feel Them Fake Boobs press against Kihyun, but this is… Something else. It feels liberating. Like Dior had said, sometimes, things just feel _right_. She licks a little at Kihyun’s lips, hand moving down to find his again. “It’s okay..?”

Kihyun blinks at her, “Uhm, just so we’re on the same page, you mean…?”

Sangah nods a little, brushing her lips over his mouth. “Yes… Do it again…”

Kihyun’s cheeks go a little pink and his eyes wander down. But then he shifts, holds Sangah close and inverts their position, slowly lies her down on the couch and leans in to kiss her. “If--” he mutters against her lips, “If I do something wrong, just stop me, okay? Just ‘no’ is enough.”

_And that’s why I love you so damn much_.

Sangah nods, eyes on his lips. And Kihyun leans in again to kiss her, lips moving slowly with hers, hand coming up to thumb lightly at her cheek before it moves down to her neck in a feather-like touch.

Sangah remembers going with Dior, off to go buy her first proper bra. She'd suggested something cheap and basic, because the size is going to change too fast to really invest. And Sangah remembers Dior doing her measurements and, once the bra was on, Sangah looked at herself in the mirror and cried.

Change is hard to keep track of. Hair grows but people barely notice it until they need to get it cut. And this was gradual, too, but that day Sangah saw herself in the mirror looking more like herself than she ever has, and her first thought of the many that rushed forth, was, _I want to show Kihyun_.

She tries to reach in between them, to tug up her shirt but Kihyun moves his hand down from her neck, to her chest and down, slowly, until he grabs at one of her hands. He moves it to the hem of his shirt instead. She swallows a little and tugs it up a little, hand soothing over his side, over his stomach, the skin-on-skin touch making her entire body feel a little heavier.

Kihyun moves his lips to her jaw and then her neck, sucking a little at the skin there before kissing her lips again. The hand by the hem of Sangah’s shirt sneaks under it, fingers light over her skin, climbing slowly from her hipbone to her waist. It makes her sigh a little into Kihyun's mouth, grip a little more insistently at his shirt.

“Can I…?” she asks, voice barely there. And fuck, she’s glad. She’s so glad she took Dior’s advice, started training her voice. It’s not perfect, it’s still a deep voice, but it feels more like _her _voice, so it doesn’t scare her so much anymore, doesn’t make her uncomfortable in situations like this.

“Yeah,” Kihyun breaths on her lips.

Sangah drops her eyes down and Kihyun lifts himself up a little so she can undo the buttons of his shirt his and pull it down his shoulders, her eyes roving down over his naked torso, which… makes her head spin, quite a lot. He’s slim but somehow full, he has muscles but all of them are soft and more surreptitious than, well, Shownu or Wonho. So, she moves her hand over his shoulder, heart in her throat before gripping his arm and pulling him into a deeper kiss.

Kihyun’s hand under her shirt hesitates a little at the band of her bra but then comes back down, fingernails scratching lightly before fingertips smooth a touch back up and Kihyun cups his hand around her boob.

Her breath stutters a little, legs curling in a little at Kihyun’s sides, feet pressed against the couch. And while everything is slow, the way Kihyun touches her, the way he kisses her, there’s enough hesitancy on his behalf to tell he’s holding back a little. Especially with how his breath shakes sometimes.

Even so, warmth spreads from deep inside her chest through every cell of her body. Like a livewire, not quite there but foreshadowing a _could be._

And again, Kihyun pushes away and pulls Sangah up with him, lets her sit on his lap while he tugs lightly at her shirt, lips close to her ear. “Only if you want…”

“I do,” Sangah sighs against his neck. So, Kihyun slowly pulls her shirt up until it’s over her head and carefully untangles her hair from it before letting it fall down, a hand at the back of her neck, eyes on her face before they wander down.

Sangha watches him carefully, nerves in her stomach. Just nervous, though, because she trusts him. She really, _really _trusts him, and she hopes… That this is good enough. 

Kihyun’s expression doesn’t change, but he leans closer and mouths a little at her collarbone, mumbles, “You have so many moles…” He looks up and says. “It’s my job to kiss them all.”

Sangah lets out a soft little laugh, looking down, sees the soft pink of her bra. “Good, they really wanna be kissed. So do yours,” she says, poking at the moles on Kihyun's neck, his shoulder, the ones down his chest. 

Kihyun giggles a little, goosebumps on his shoulders, and he hides his face in Sangah’s chest. She smiles something giddy, a hand up in Kihyun’s hair.

“We need to do this _much _more if you’re gonna laugh like that…” Sangah teases softly. _He's hiding his face in my--_

“Oh shush,” Kihyun giggles again and nuzzles in. Sangah can feel his breath between her boobies. “I’m just… happy.”

Sangah smiles and kisses the top of his head. “Me too, baby… I’m so, so happy… Gonna--Gonna call the doctors first thing tomorrow…”

“Then…” Kihyun says, kisses the uncovered top of one of her boobs where a mole is peeking up. “If you let me stay over? I’ll make breakfast. And then you make that call. And then we go out. Because I want to show you off.”

Sangah laughs softly. “You want to show me off to… Sex reassignment surgeons?”

“Er, no,” Kihyun scoffs. “I wanna show you off to the world, ‘cause you’re beautiful.”

Sangah smiles, tilting her head, feels her hair brush over her back, her chest. “I was kidding, just wanted to hear you say that…”

“Hmhm,” Kihyun says, tilting his head to the opposite side and kissing at Sangah’s neck. He hooks a finger around the strap of her bra and slides across its length, all the way to the front. 

Sangah lets out a small breath and scratches at the back of Kihyun’s neck, other hand on his chest. And the finger around the strap of her bra tugs a little, making it slip off her shoulder as Kihyun’s lips move to accompany the movement with kisses over her skin. She shivers, stomach pulling. She moves her head forward, hair getting in the damn way of looking at Kihyun so she moves it to the side, tilts her head to the same side to give Kihyun access.

Kihyun’s lips move from her shoulder to her chest and then graze over the soft skin of her boob. She barely has time to register that, though, because when the pad falls a little to uncover her nipple, Kihyun tongues at it, closing his lips around it.

Sangah clings a little to Kihyun’s arms when she lets out a small moan, the feeling of Kihyun’s mouth on her spreading through her skin like wildfire, making her all tingly. She squirms a little, legs coming up a little tighter against Kihyun, nails scratching into his hair.

But mostly? It just… it feels amazing. There’s no wall, there’s no fear, none of that stifling feeling of ‘wrongness’, just… it just _feels_.

Kihyun kisses at her skin softly, moves his tongue on her slowly, and reaches back with both hands to undo her bra. It falls down between them but Kihyun doesn’t move it away. He keeps one hand warm on her back and moves the other, fingertips light on her skin, to touch at her other boob.

Sangah whines, feels her stomach tighten but it’s with the _utmost _relief that she barely feels anything between her legs, just little tingles, but nothing that would... _Well._ Ruin everything. So she melts, glancing down to see Kihyun’s mouth around her and it makes her moan again as the feeling keeps spreading through her body. She talks and, again, it doesn’t sound like someone else anymore.

“Feels so good, Ki...”

Kihyun glances up and then moves his lips to the other boob, cupping at it just a little and then kissing at the nub before moving his lips around it. Sangha’s body turns liquid even with the tightness in her stomach and she shivers, and then again, little whimper slipping from her lips.

The hand on her back moves down to her lower back and then to her ass, squeezing a little and pulling her closer as Kihyun sucks a little harder around her nipple. The tingly feeling in her skin shoots down to her ass where he’s touching, back to his lips on her skin. It’s dizzying and all she can do is scratch lightly, touch his skin and moan.

When Kihyun’s teeth graze over the nub, nibbling lightly, the tip of his tongue flicking on them, her entire body shivers in a warm, tight sort of way that makes her vision go dark for a second, makes her gasp out loud and push a little at Kihyun because it’s too much, it’s too much, “It’s too much,” she gasps, gripping at his arm, entire body feeling warm and blushy.

Did… Did she just…?

Kihyun leans back, eyes a little wide while he blinks at her, face a little red. He hesitates for a moment and then reaches up to her face and curls her hair behind her ear. “Are… Are you okay…?”

Sangha nods, quickly, “I--Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, I just--” She runs a hand through her hair, feels her neck, hot to the touch. “I think I just… I think you just made me…” _Words!_

Kihyun brings his own shirt over her shoulders. It covers her enough from where it hangs. “Oh…” he breathes, getting even redder. “Well, that’s good, right?” He glances up.

“Yeah!” Sangah says, despite how red she is, moving to do a few buttons of Kihyun’s shirt. “Yeah, it’s--” Sangah laughs nervously. “Great? I’m just… surprised. Are you okay?”

Kihyun reaches back to scratch at his neck and--_oh lordy, arm flex, armpit, things!--_“Y--Yes?” He lets his hand fall and sighs, cheeks pink. His eyes go up and down on Sangah and the shirt. “You look… hot like that…”

Sangah giggles, covering her face for a second before peeking through her fingers at him, down his chest. “So do you…” She moves her eyes even lower and swallows a little. _Look up, Sangah… Look. Up._

Kihyun rolls his eyes and then hides his face in his hands before tipping back and falling back over the sofa with a groan. “You… Ugh.”

Sangah looks down to where she’s sitting on his legs, hand moving to scratch lightly at his stomach, eyes shamelessly on his crotch. “Me..?”

Kihyun’s abdomen quickly tenses under her touch and he seems to freeze for a moment. When he speaks, his voice is a little strained, “You’re gonna be the end of me…”

“Funny, because,” Sangah says, moving down to duck down and kiss at Kihyun’s stomach, skin soft under her lips. “You’re my beginning…”

Kihyun breathes out loudly through his nose, “You… You shouldn’t--You don’t have to…”

Sangah glances up, fingers curling around the band of his jeans. “I shouldn’t, or I don’t have to? Which one is it?”

Kihyun moves one hand away from his face and lets the other reach back to comb his hair back. He sighs, face red, eyes a little dazed on the ceiling. “You don’t have to…”

“I want to,” Sangah says easily, slipping the button of his jeans through the hole and tugging down his fly, still mouthing softly at his stomach, tongue poking into his belly-button.

Kihyun groans a little at the back of his throat before propping himself up on one elbow. When he looks at Sangah, though, his eyes are soft. Really, really soft. “If you want to then…” He swallows and moves a hand to comb through Sangah’s hair, “Then I want you to as well…”

Sangah smiles, chest filling with warmth and she nods, leaning a little into his touch before tugging down at Kihyun’s jeans, moving back to move them all the way down his legs and off.

_Legs_. 

Sangah swallows a little around a dry throat as she looks at him, from his calves, the fine hair there, up to his thighs, dotted with moles. God, he’s got nice legs. Like, really, _really _nice legs. Sangah smooths a hand up his thigh as she leans back down, the other hand moving over the bulge in Kihyun’s underwear as she presses her lips back over his.

Kihyun sighs against her mouth, one hand moving to the back of her head. This time, though, he does kiss a little desperately with _desperation,_ squirming just a little, hips moving slightly so he can press himself against her hand.

It’s intoxicating. 

She squeezes lightly at him and licks into his mouth before kissing down his neck, over his collarbone, licks at his nipple. 

“You taste so nice,” Sangah mumbles before sucking lightly at the nub with a hard squeeze.

Kihyun hisses a little and groans, hand tightening around a handful of Sangah’s hair. “Tha--That feels weird…” he sighs.

“Should I stop?” Sangah asks softly, flicking at the nub with her tongue. She feels the way Kihyun gets harder against her hand before he says, softly;

“No…”

Sangah smirks a little against him and gives his nipple one last lick, a soft nibble, kissing down to his stomach where she can start--_oh god, is that supposed to be this hot?!_\--actually smelling how aroused he is. 

She glances down to his underwear again and has to bite her lips in. “Did Dior buy you these?” she teases.

“Ehm,” Kihyun pauses and moves a little to look down at his underwear. Almost like he forgot which one he was wearing. “Ah, yeah. Last year. Wonho and Joo have it, too.”

“Hmm,” Sangah says, settles herself down between Kihyun’s legs and pokes at the bulge with the tip of her tongue, wetting the grey fabric. “Don’t know how I feel about that,” she teases, scratching up Kihyun’s thigh and skipping over what Kihyun probably _needs _right now to kiss at a mole on his inner thigh, where his underwear ends.

Kihyun sighs loudly and lets his head fall back. “Well… What are you gonna do about it, then?”

“Get some--” _Smooch._ “Customized underwear made--” _Nibble._ “And on the ass it just says--” _Suck_. “Property of Im Sangah.”

Kihyun’s hips roll a little and Sangah sees him reach down to palm a little at his crotch, but she catches his hand by the wrist and threads it into her hair as she quickly tugs down at his underwear, taking a moment to just look at Kihyun, exposed like this underneath her. Another day, though, she’ll contemplate the little mole on the underside of his dick, the way it curves a little to the side. Now, she just wants to taste it and hear Kihyun.

One advantage to all of this? She knows her way around a dick.

She licks a long stripe up the underside of Kihyun's dick, and it might speak wonders to how straight she is but… Why does his dick taste nice?! Not only that but it seems to stand to attention right after that, and Kihyun sighs. 

Sangah glances up at him as she takes the tip between her lips, tonguing into the slit before she sucks. Tips are sensitive--for Sangah, hers will be turned into her literal clit, so--and Sangah knows that, so she gives him a lot of attention there, swirling her tongue around the head between little licks and sucks.

Kihyun tilts his chin up a little, the back of his head pressing against the couch when he groans something close to a moan. His hand tightens around Sangah’s hair again but doesn’t push or pull.

“Just--” Kihyun shivers a little. “Just for the record… That’s a first, too…”

Sangah pops off his dick immediately. “What?! You’ve never been sucked off before?!”

Kihyun sighs, face red, and slaps a hand over his forehead when he laughs a little. “No… No? Uhm… I’m not going to talk about my past sexual experiences with you _right now,_ Sangah…”

“Sorry,” she laughs, shakes her head and ducks back down. “Was just surprised, don’t mind me. Oh,” she looks up again. “One more thing. I _really _like hearing you.”

Kihyun lifts his head and blinks at her. “Like…”

“Like. Moaning. Etcetera.”

Kihyun lets his head fall and puffs a breath. “Oh boy… Okay…”

Sangah narrows her eyes with a small smile before taking him into her mouth again. _Time to incentivize. _

She moves her lips down over him, careful with her teeth, lifting up with a suck before dropping back down again, slowly working her way down his length until she can feel him poke at the back of her throat. She swallows down her gag reflex (thanks, internet) and sucks, hollowing her cheeks. 

Kihyun gasps a little, “Oh god…” he says softly, hand squeezing at Sangah’s hair again. _Good_, she thinks, sucking just a little harsher, a little faster, up to his tip and back down, feeling the hair at the base of his dick scratch slightly at the tip of her nose. Kihyun’s breath seems to leave him in a hush and he spreads his legs a little more for her, hand letting go of her hair to comb it back with the help of his other hand. He wraps his fingers around her hair to keep it away from her face, like a hair tie, and lifts himself up with the help of his elbow.

His cheeks are pink, his lips puffy and parted as he breathes through his mouth and his eyes dazed. As he watches Sangah move on him, though, his eyebrow furrow a little and then he frowns, eyes scrunching closed as he tips his head back with a low whine. 

When she moves back down on him, she looks up, locking eyes with him as his dick hits the back of her throat and she hums a small moan before swallowing. Kihyun falls back again with a gasp and then a little hiss.

“You feel good,” he whispers, tugs lightly at Sangah’s hair in his hand. 

She… Really needs to get this fucking surgery done.

Sangah lets herself moan around him, the warm feeling spreading even to her toes, and for a moment she imagines… she imagines he said that while fucking her. And it makes her entire brain flare up and stomach tug again, so she moves her mouth faster on him and just--just _imagines_.

Kihyun’s breathing picks up the faster she moves on him. And she can feel the taste of precum on her tongue, a little sweet, too. She keeps moving, though, keeping her pace and moaning at every stray thought, every little tingle that runs down her spine.

And at some point Kihyun’s breath stutters and he whines a little. “Baby, I’m…” He tugs at her hair as if to pull her up. But she brings her hand up to hold his hand against her head as she keeps moving, sucking harsher, lips tighter around him. She feels Kihyun tense up under her touch, feels the way his hand tightens around her hair. The little gasp he makes is more like a hiss. And she feels warmth spread inside her mouth, Kihyun twitching against her tongue.

It’s… different, but it’s fine, she just swallows (of course it would be sweet) and pulls away when he stops twitching, licking over lips all the way around.

Kihyun looks at her and pulls her closer, hand still around her hair. She falls over him and he wraps an arm around her waist and kisses her, slow, probably not minding what she must taste like right now, which just makes her melt all over him.

He is… entirely naked. Wow. _Wow_.

When Kihyun breaks the kiss, he kisses her forehead and sighs, looks at her, eyes big but soft. “Why are you so perfect?”

Sangah pouts, feeling all mushy. “Stop it, I’m already way too in love with you…”

Kihyun pouts, too, “So? It’s never too much.”

Sangah giggles, leaning down to kiss his lips again. “I know… I’m glad we did this… I’ve…” she flushes, which is _ridiculous_, considering. “Wanted to do that for a while…”

“Same, actually…” Kihyun mumbles. “In fact… There’s something I wanna ask you but… it’s okay if you don’t want to or if you don’t feel comfortable with it…”

Sangah blinks, sitting back a little. “Okay…? Won’t know unless you ask…”

“Do you have…” Kihyun narrows his eyes, “Shorts?”

Sangah just looks at him. “Shorts.”

“Like… Yes, shorts. In your wardrobe or something.”

“You want to see me… In shorts?”

Kihyun nods.

“Oh,” Sangah says, looking down, contemplating. “I do… I got them once, because they were like, really cheap? Hah, I wouldn’t mind putting them on, just… I don’t wanna sleep in them?” Because going to sleep with her dick tucked is not an appealing idea.

“Oh,” Kihyun shakes his head. “No. Just. To walk around the house? With that,” he points at his button up shirt on Sangah.

Sangah bites her lip with a smile and looks to the side, feels her ears go red. “Okay… Wait here, then,” Sangah says, leaning in for a quick peck before jumping off the couch. “Don’t feel pressured to get too dressed!”

“Can’t get _too_ dressed, you’re wearing my shirt.”

“Ehehe, good,” Sangah says, sticking her tongue out before slipping into her room.

While most girls don’t really _want _to make their hips look bigger, that’s literally what Sangha had been going for. She’d seen this in a shop once and thought she might wear it someday, with some big cardigan and tights or something, but never really did. Guess now’s the time. Good thing her legs are all _smoof_. _Yay_ for obsessive compulsive rituals, thanks to gender dysphoria, huzzah.

She steps out of her sweatpants and finds the shorts in her drawer, quickly jogging to the bathroom to make sure everything down there is still… _Not _down there but all put away, before pulling the pink, bulky, ruffles at the top shorts on, tying the bow around her hips. She takes a few steps back to look at her legs, ruffle her hair, check the shirt (no real cleavage, but she can see the little just of her breasts through the fabric), pull her socks up halfway up her calves and (just in case) quickly works some lotion onto her legs.

Now… She is ready. For. Whatever Kihyun wants to do with her in shorts. She gets the feeling the main thing is ‘stare’.

“Okay,” she says, walking back to the living room, leaning against the divider from the kitchen to the living room and making a sweeping gesture to herself as she juts a hip out. “What do you think?”

Kihyun looks up, perks up like a meerkat. He’s dressed again, well, half dressed. Sangah is wearing his shirt. He blinks and blinks, eyes going up and down and then waves Sangah closer with a, “Come here…”

Sangah smiles, tucks one side of her hair behind her ear as she walks over, eyes down. Kihyun takes her hand and pulls until she sits on the couch, leaning back and quickly pulling her along. Her head lands over his naked chest and he kisses at the top of her head, hand smoothing over her thigh and pulling her leg up just enough.

And that’s it. That’s all. That’s how they stay; Kihyun combing through her hair, thumb soothing up and down over her skin on her thigh.

It’s all they do, but it’s all they have to do. 

There’s contentedness, too, in the happiness she feels, in the knowledge that, well. Her life has changed so much already, but tomorrow… Tomorrow is the start of something else; her life, but… what it was supposed to be, from the beginning. It’s the first step towards finally, _finally_, being comfortable with herself and her body, with letting Kihyun have all of her, the way she wants to give it all.

\---**1 YEAR LATER**\---

Sangah gets an appointment after a few months, with Dior’s surgeon, nonetheless. Comes highly recommended from, hilariously, both Dior _and _Jooheon. 

But it’s a year since Kihyun gave her that money, a year of waiting.

And now? Now there’s just waking up, confused and drugged as fuck in a hospital bed with a rabbit teddy bear tucked under your arm. 

Sangah groans a little but doesn’t bother to move. She can’t really see much; if not for being pumped full of pain meds, then it’s probably the fact that she’s not wearing glasses or contacts. She’s not in pain at the moment--she _should _be, she’s watched the video--but she feels numb and foggy and heavy.

“Hmmmnahewum,” is sort of the sound she makes, smacking her lips together and trying to keep her eyes open.

“Shh, you’re okay,” she hears. It sounds like Kihyun, if only a little distant. But she feels his hands wrap around hers and she lolls her head to the side to try and look at him, wants to raise her hand to poke.

“Heyyy,” she says. “S’you. The loml of my life.”

Kihyun laughs a little and tugs both her hands down. “Hey, yeah, it’s me… Hyungwon was here a while ago? And Luda. But they left you a keychain and left.”

“Those bastards,” Sangha drawls, looking around at all the white, hearing the beeping in a far away room. She turns, then, to look at Kihyun and whisper, “Is this aliens? Are we at aliens?”

Kihyun snorts and scoots a little closer, drags his chair closer to the bed. “Considering what you just did? I wouldn’t be surprised. Hyungwon and I watched the video… He couldn’t take it. I think it hurt me on a physical level so… Hey, you’re strong and you have my respect.” He kisses her hand. “How do you feel, though?”

“I’m fine, I’m… Floaty,” Sangah says before blinking a bit harder to concentrate on Kihyun’s face, squeeze his hand, pouting “I… did the thing? The thing is done?”

“Yeah, princess,” Kihyun says softly and then laughs. “You did the thing. It’s done…” 

Sangah’s bottom lip wobbles and she brings Kihyun’s hand up against her face. This thing she’s been working for, been _needing_, for years and years, it’s just… Done. She’s done it. 

“I’m so happy,” Sangah says softly, turning her face into his palm. He smells like home. 

“And I’m happy that you’re happy…” Kihyun says. “Your doctor will be back later, I think, and… The nurses are a click away. I can stay until dinner time but then there’s something I gotta go do. Is that okay? I can ask Hyungwon if he can keep you company.”

“S’okay,” Sangah says softly, feels the little bunny plushie press close to her side again. “Think I’ll just… sleep and watch the Buzzfeed boys… Or the girl with the hundred babies…”

“Okay… Do you… If you need anything from your house just text me and I’ll go get it.”

Sangah nods and melts onto the bed. She really thought it would hurt more. “I think I packed the fluffies--the sleepy ones, so m’okay…” She shakes his hand a little. “You’re so preeeetty.”

Kihyun chuckles. “So are you, even when you’re looking at me and melting like that. Still pretty.”

“Nah-ah,” Sangah shaker her head, waging a finger. “No sexies for eight weeksies.”

“Oh god…” Kihyun laughs. “Like I had any before, dummy,” he pokes her forehead. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about that. I just want you to be okay.”

“I’m…” Sangah says, trailing off as she looks at him and smiles. “Perfect.”

She can see the way Kihyun’s eyes widen a little before he smiles. He leans in, nuzzles against her nose with a little, deep laugh and then kisses her lips softly. “Great. We finally agree.”

\---  


Their biggest argument ever, and it’s not even an argument as much as just throwing shade across the table; mint chocolate ice cream. Kihyun loves it, Sangha can’t stand it. But, he bought her actual ice cream and not chocolate toothpaste, so everything is fine.

It’s week number four of Resting™. 

She’s had a look it and, at the moment? A bunch of stitches and scars. But it’s promising, and Sangah is more than happy to wait for the end results. Dior said she’d take Sangah with her for the second, much smaller, ‘aesthetic’ apparently, operation, but that’s only in a week.

So right now? Napoleon ice cream and watching her poor, poor boyfriend sit through interviews on the other side of the screen.

A stocky, over-confident man smiles so brightly at Spectrum Sangha finds herself suspicious. But it’s same old, same old.

“Congratulations on your latest win!” the MC says and the crowd goes batshit bananas crazy. Sangha’s so proud.

Wonho and Minwoo smile wide, bowing and bowing. “Thank you,” Wonho says, sat the closest to the MC, Kihyun on his side and Jooheon on Kihyun’s. “We couldn’t have done it without Spectral’s love.”

Kihyun licks his lips and nods and Jooheon smiles in a thin line as he nods, cheeks dimpling.

“There have been many, many rumours surrounding Spectrum,” the MC says, smiling. “Is it true there are talks about a first world tour?”

Sangah perks up. “Ooooh?”

Wonho opens his mouth to talk but then looks at Kihyun, lips sewing back together. Kihyun tongues a little at the corner of his lips and nods. “There might be a, uhm,” he huffs a composed laugh. “Thing or two on our schedules.”

“Most of our fans are international,” Jooheon says, nods, and the members nod and agree. “So, it’s only fair we take our music to them.”

The crowd cheers again and the MC looks delighted. “Is there anywhere in particular you’d like to perform?”

“New York!” Wonho says, smiling wide with both hands up.

“New York,” Jooheon nods. “London, Paris... We have a lot of fans in Europe. We can’t forget about them.”

“We won’t,” Kihyun shakes his head, smiling small. “We won’t.”

“Hmmm, this sounds like as much of a confirmation as I’m to get from you,” the MC laughs. “Now, onto some other rumours,” the MC says, looking mischievous and to Sangah’s surprise, she sees a candid picture pop onto the side of the screen, the other half with the camera focused on Kihyun, but the pictures is… Well, them. She can see Kihyun as clear as day, smiling wide at the girl next to him who’s just a mop of long black hair and a fluffy blue cardigan. The crowd seems indecisive about their reaction, but Sangah focuses on the cheers. “Are you filming another Spectrum: For Hue, perhaps?”

Kihyun bites both lips in and lick them slowly in that way he does when he’s trying not to smile one of those bitter smiles of his. He shakes his head. “Not recently. Not yet.”

A cheer for Spectrum: For Hue. Admittedly? Really fun to watch Jooheon dress up like a girl (and he’s good at it, for many, many reasons) and beat the shit out of a towel as Kihyun gapes at him all ‘lovestruck’. Good times. 

The MC raises his eyebrows and Wonho looks a little flustered, interjects. “We all look forward to it, though! They’re always fun to film.”

Minwoo makes a face that gets a big laugh and Kihyun slaps lightly at him, points at Jooheon’s legs and says, “I heard you, you said he looked nice in a skirt, don’t lie.”

“But I _did_ look nice in a skirt,” Jooheon says, leaning back and straightening up, looking at Kihyun as if to dare him to defy him. “Better than you ever will.”

“Lies,” Sangha says, cackling to herself as she noms her ice cream. 

“I was obviously the prettiest girl,” Wonho says, flicking his nonexistent hair back and making Sangha scoff and the crowd laugh, poor Wonho pouting all indignant. “Hey!”

“Ah, but we certainly don’t recognize any of your legs in that picture,” the MC chuckles, eyes on Kihyun “A new collaboration with a girl group, maybe? Your latest song with Seola, Love Virus, was very popular.”

Kihyun blinks and leans forward to point at himself and then search for the camera that’s on him. He finds it and says, “But that’s because she _begged _me to sing with her. Of course it was popular.”

“Aish,” Jungsoo goes, clicking his tongue and crossing his arms. It looks playful, but Sangah knows better. 

“I think it’s good to be confident,” Jooheon defends, ‘glaring’ over at him. “You should try it sometimes.”

The crowd ‘oooh’s like this is some American reality TV show.

“No, but--” Kihyun huffs a laugh. “Seola is a good friend. It was really nice to be able to sing with her. She has a beautiful voice. Very clean.”

“So, is that who it was? A budding romance between two vocalists?”

“Insistent much,” Sangah grumbles.

Kihyun looks at the screen with the picture and squints. “That’s obviously me,” he says. “And the blurry bundle of hair is a stain on the lens?” he laughs and shakes his head. “No, it’s my girlfriend.”

Sangah nearly chokes on ice cream. That! That’s not public knowledge, Yoo Kihyun, what are you doing!?

The crowd goes hush, but one voice, a boy, screams a loud, “Yeah!” Which makes the members laugh.

“Oh, so the rumours are true, then,” the MC says, eyes intent on Kihyun.

“Hm, I don’t know what these rumours are, though,” Kihyun shrugs, leans back. “But, uhm,” he glances at the screen and gestures, “Yes, that’s, I think, my girlfriend.”

“I see,” the MC says, and Jooheon glances over at Kihyun. “How long have you been lying to your fans, then?”

Sangah frowns, “Er? Dick much?”

Kihyun blinks but smiles a little, like he always does. “Ah, but I haven’t lied. I love my fans. I wouldn’t be here without them and… we have to give that back in a way. And I will always give back. Part of me belongs to them,” Kihyun says. “But no one ever asked me about it so… I can’t possibly have lied.” He turns to the crowd and bows a little. “I’m sorry Spectral,” he says and then laughs softly, clearly no knowing what else to express.

The MC doesn’t look happy about it, and the crowd doesn’t cheer very loudly, some obvious naysayers being a bit louder about it, and Sangah pouts at the screen, hopes Kihyun is okay… She’d totally beat this MC’s ass in a parking lot, if she could.

“We have,” Jooheon says, “Many fans who are our age and they come to our Meet and Greets and they tell us about how they force their husbands listen to our music,” he laughs. “There are some great stories. All fans have great stories. And we love them all. Really, a lot.” He nods turns to the crowd, pouts and makes a heart with his fingers. “We work hard so you can be happy. But--” he nods and looks at the MC, “Also so we can be happy.”

“Its okay!” Wonho says and makes a heart, “Spectral can be all my girlfriends!”

“Hyungwon, too, then,” Sangha scoffs. One day.. One day those two will snap and make out… _Soon._

“Indeed,” the MC says, looking dissatisfied but turning to Minwoo and Jungsoo nonetheless. “You two have been more quiet than usual in these interviews.”

Minwoo nods, “I’m shy--” and then snorts a little giggle when Jooheon reaches over to poke at him. “Yes, I’m shy!”

“And I have a stomach ache,” Jungsoo says, pouting.

“He was born this way,” Kihyun scoffs.

“Nah, only got it when I met you.”

“Oooh,” Kihyun grins and looks at Jungsoo. “Can’t digest well?”

“Mmm, must be something in the water.”

Sangha frowns, making a face. “People ship this?”

Wonho frowns, too, apparently, and says, “Isn’t the company in charge of paying for the water bill?”

Kihyun hides his face between his hands and laughs. “Oh, man…”

“Must be why you take such long showers,” Jungsoo scoffs and the audience laughs and ‘aaah’s, a few giggles abound.

“You should follow his example,” Kihyun says, glancing up and tilting his chin up a little. “He smells good, at least. If you catch my meaning.”

“He doesn’t want to say you stink on live TV,” Wonho laughs deep. The crowd laughs, too.

Kihyun points at Wonho, “You said it, not me!”

Jungsoo rolls his eyes and looks away, arms crossed. “Not all of us can walk around smelling like flowers and sunshine,” he grumbles and the audience laughs again.

A girl calls out from the audience, “Oppa! What perfume do you wear!”

“Oooh, interesting question,” the MC says. “Might even catch yourself a sponsor, tonight.”

Wonho smiles wide. “I only smell good because of Spectral’s love!” And makes a heart over his head, Kihyun looking up in a pitying way that he masks the moment he looks front again.

“That makes no sense,” Sangah scoffs and shakes her head. What a teddy bear.

The interview descends into games, because this is South Korea, and it’s not a proper interview unless they make those poor idols do some ridiculous shit. The MC suggests; the paper game. Jooheon flies up looking displeased as all hell, arms crossed in front of himself in an ex.

“No, no, no, no,” he complains. “Not again!”

“Having a girlfriend won’t get you out of this, I’m afraid,” the MC laughs, looking at Kihyun, who just looks around, gaping.

Sangah just stuffs some more ice cream into her mouth and cackles.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Kihyun says, gets up, still looking around. “Where are the script writers for this show?” He asks, laughs a little when Wonho shoves at him.

An assistant walks onto the stage and hands Minwoo a small stack of paper which he whines at loudly and holds up to look through them. “Whyyyyyy!”

“No way!” Kihyun gapes, points at the papers and steps a little away from them, “That’s too small!”

“Only action poor Wonho gets,” Sangah mumbles. Man, people are missing out on this solid commentary she’s giving.

“Ah, it’s not that bad,” Wonho says, trying to sound reassuring, walking over for the papers and then smooching one, keeping it against his lip and making a ‘voila’ gesture.

“He has a girlfriend, she’ll kill me,” Jooheon whines, stomping his feet a little, eyes barely visible.

“So do you,” Sangah scoffs. “Dior won’t kiss you for a week. Again.”

Kihyun gestures at Wonho, makes him sit down and then, hand on his shoulder, sits on one of his legs, crossing his own. He looks at the crowd. “Isn’t this enough?” And then at the MC. “Do we have to? We can totally just do this.”

“What do we think, girls?” The MC asks the audience.

“Kiss!” Sangah yells at the TV.

The audience seems to be on the same prerogative. Terrible, really.

Wonho looks around and at the MC. “If I kiss all their cheeks, can we not play the game?”

“Oh!” Kihyun raises a hand, bounces up and down on Wonho’s leg when Wonho starts raising his heels. “Oh, I can do that!”

“You want to kiss them, too?” the MC asks and Jooheon whines as the audience practically screams.

“I better be recording this,” Sangah mumbles.

“Wait,” Kihyun says, pausing. “Do we still have to do the paper game?”

Jooheon whines loudly again and reaches for the papers and just fucking _yeets _off the stage, it’s incredible. Kihyun just topples back on the couch and laughs, clapping, and Wonho cackles. Jungsoo and Minwoo seem to be really trying to figure out where Jooheon just disappeared off to, and then they see Jooheon in the crowd, girls screaming as he passes and starts handing out transparent paper cards like they’re signed photo cards.

“One for you, m’lady, and one for you~”

Kihyun is on the floor now, on his knees, curled in a slight bow as he laughs. It makes Sangah’s heart go all warm. Never gonna stop doing that, really.

\---

Kihyun might be busy as all hell, but he still, always, comes back home to her. She kisses him when he walks in, looking tired, but happy, in that way she’s learned he looks quite often during comebacks. 

“Hey, sweetie,” she says softly, from her near permanent spot on the couch. “I saw you in one of those bunny hats. Please tell me you brought it with you.”

Kihyun places down two bags. “Honestly? Half the stuff they give me just sits around collecting dust,” he says. “So I brought you the cute stuff.” He leans against the wall as he takes his shoes off, eyes on Sangah. “How are you feeling today? Did you eat already?”

Sangah shakes her head and pouts. “I ordered stuff but I wanted to eat with you so I waited… It’s in the fridge. I’m feeling okay, though, just not moving so much ‘cause I was told not to.”

“Yeah, don’t worry,” Kihyun says, groans a little as he pushes away from the wall and walks to the kitchen, “I’ll get it. I’m actually starving, didn’t get to eat properly today and they kept stealing our snacks at the Fan Sign.”

Sangah holds up her phone as if to make a point, a video of one of the staff literally taking a bag of jelly beans out of Minwoo’s hand. “I noticed. It’s cruel and unusual, I’ll have to go have a talk with them.”

Kihyun huffs a laugh. “Also… We had a staff meeting this morning,” he walks in with two plates and starts tidying the coffee table, places the plates on top and gets up to go get more things. “Six months, after that we’re free to do whatever we want. Which means…”

Sangah looks down to her lap. “Well, I should be ready by then,” she teases, grinning up at him.

“That’s--” Kihyun huffs a laugh. “That’s not what I meant. I meant Joo, Wonho and I will sign a contract with just the three of us. Also a lot more freedom than we already have. We only have to make a release once a year and it doesn’t need to be a full album. Although, that’s probably what we’re aiming for. And profit wise, we’re collecting a whole 45% since we already established a name--” the rest, Kihyun mumbles, “Though mine is a bit on fire at the moment…”

Sangah slumps a little on the couch, glances back to her phone. “Yeah, I’ve… seen.” Videos of girls passing by Kihyun for Meet & Greets, for high touches, literally ignoring that he's there. “Are you okay..? I know it’s not my fault or whatever but still…”

“It’s not one’s fault, really,” Kihyun says, sighs, and walks back with glasses and chopsticks. “The company knew about you from the start. And I was told they might ask about you so… In a way, I expected it. And I knew this would happen,” he puts everything down and shrugs, glances over and smiles small. “It’ll be fine, though. I just hope it doesn’t get bad for you, that’s all.”

“Barely left the house, I have no idea what’s gonna happen,” Sangah scoffs, looking over a little concerned. “I’ve gotten a lot of… weird messages on twitter, I think a few people found me, but it’s okay, really.”

Kihyun nods, “Sorry… It’s just… It would come up. And I’d rather--” he turns to walk back into the kitchen, “Know how to control the fire than just have it burn wild behind my back before I turn to look at it.”

“Yeah…” Sangah sighs, turning her phone over in her hand. “Still, don’t say sorry, you literally went on national television and told people I’m your girlfriend. It’s impossible to be anything but keyboard smash 3000 about that.”

Kihyun walks back with the food and places it down on the table as he sits down. It’s sushi, mostly, and cold noodles. “It’s been a while since I ate naengmyeon,” Kihyun says as he takes the lid off and stares at the noodles. The broth comes in different containers, so he uncaps them and starts pouring it on each of their shares. “But hey, it will tone down after a while. People just need to get used to the idea. And, eventually, the haters move on to hate on something else.” 

“I love when you say ‘haters’, you sound so Taylor Swift, I just… I love it,” Sangah laughs and leans forward a little, all wrapped in her blanket and trying to free and arm. “Still, I feel like punching that girl who skipped you at the fan sign. Please say I may.”

“Uh, girl fight,” Kihyun grins a little, hands Sangah her chopsticks. “And hey, can’t do much if I’m not looking. It’s fine, though, could’ve been worse. I’d rather they skip me than look me in the eye and tell me horrible shit.”

“Oh, because then you definitely couldn’t stop me throwing hands with some random woman, I’m not even kidding,” Sangah says, snapping her chopsticks against each other in the air like a crocodile’s mouth.

Kihyun places an elbow over the table and rests his cheek against his palm, watches Sangah for a moment with a little smile before scoffing a laugh and looking down. “You’re silly. But thank you.”

Sangah straightens up all proud. “Why thank _you_. Now eat up, lovie,” Sangah says, leaning back with her bowl, phone propped up on her legs, reaching out to scroll through twitter every now and then. “You’ve got some really nice people, too, though. Fans, I mean. People talk about me like I’m Mothman. In like, a good way.”

Kihyun reaches over to cut Sangah’s noodles with the scissors and then slumps back, does the same with his noodles and then picks up the chopsticks. “What do you mean?” he asks, frowning at his noodles as he mixes them a little.

“Oh, I’m this cryptid,” Sangah scoffs, grabbing at some noodles and shoving them into her mouth and talking around them as she chews, noodles in her cheeks. “They’ve only seen glimpses. _Glances_. I’m real! But am I?” Sangah says, narrowing her eyes at Kihyun like someone talking about the existence of ghosts.

“Ah, I see,” Kihyun nods, grabs some noodles with his chopsticks and brings them up to his mouth. He slurps loudly and then munches absently for a moment. He narrows his eyes when he swallows, though. “Are we real? Or are you just a figment of my imagination?” He glances up. “Or am I your imaginary boyfriend. And one day you wake up and I don’t exist?”

“Don’t _joke_, I have literal nightmares about that,” Sangah scoffs, keeps scrolling through her twitter. She glances at Kihyun and isn’t sure she’ll ever fully admit this, but she goes into search and types ‘Sangki’ before pressing enter.

The first thing she sees, makes her pause as her finger hovers over the ‘Follow’ button. But it quickly fills her chest with warmth.

“Hey, uhm. honey,” Sangah says, slurping on a noodle before swallowing. “I think my heart is melting. Might need to call an ambulance.”

Kihyun looks up, blinks. “What? What’s wrong?”

Sangah pouts. “Absolutely nothing except that I want this _framed_ and on our _wall_,” Sangah whines and holds the phone out for Kihyun to see. “We have fanart, Kiiiiiiiiiii. That’s me!” 

Kihyun squints at the phone and leans closer before he blinks and gapes. “Wow… That’s…” Kihyun blinks again and then his face softens considerably. “That’s really, really cute… Oh! Look!” He perks up and points at the phone. “You’re picking me up in this one!”

“I know!” Sangah flails, trying not to spill noodles everywhere. “Look how red your ear is! And--and you’re a fox here! We look so cute!”

Kihyun pouts. “Makes me wanna dye my hair lighter again,” he says as he reaches up and pushes his hair back, runs his fingers through it. “D’you think I should?”

“Mmm,” Sangah hums, pressing like and retweet before putting the phone down to scoot a little closer, move her hand through his hair. “Ah, it’s so soft, does it matter,” she scoffs. “You’ve been dark for a while now, though, but it’s nice… Join me in eternal dark hair.”

Kihyun blinks sluggishly as Sangah touches his hair. For someone who _hates_ having his hair touched (those videos of him running away from stylists keep her going, really), he certainly melts far too quickly whenever Sangah does it.

“Maybe I should let it go back to black,” Kihyun mumbles, blinks again and turns to his noodles.

“Mmm, maybe an undercut,” Sangah ponders out loud, pulls a little at Kihyun’s hair just to... Check something. He closes his eyes a little when she tugs. “Nice. Grabbable.”

Kihyun blinks. “Hm… Which do you prefer? I’m fine with either.” He slurps at his noodles again and munches, picking at a piece of meat with his chopsticks before stuffing it into his mouth as well.

“Me too.” Sangah sighs dramatically. “I’d love you even if you were bald. Sad, isn’t it?”

Kihyun makes a face, still munching. “Bald?” he tries, munches some more and then swallows. “I’d look so ugly you wouldn’t want to touch me. Which… look, bald doesn’t fit everyone. Some people can pull it off. I’m not one of those people, sorry.”

“Exactly, and yet, I’d still love you. A tragedy,” Sangah laughs, scratches a little at his scalp before letting go, getting her phone again. “I need to ask this person for commissions,” she mutters to herself.

“Tell her Sangah looks great in jeans,” Kihyun nods. “Tell her Yoo Kihyun said so when you met him at a Fan Sign.” He pauses and glances up, munching slowly. “Black pants, though, hm…”

“I swear to god,” Sangah laughs, shaking her head before looking over. “You like me in black? Noted.”

Somebody’s gonna have to (_really actually wants to_) go buy some sexy lingerie for when business is Open™. Black it is, then.

“You wore this black button up the other day,” Kihyun says, nods and then slurps some more noodles, “Ten-ten. Would date. Except,” he snaps his fingers, face serious, “I already am. _Nice.”_

Sangah giggles and pokes at him with her foot. “I’ve… actually been thinking about going to buy some new clothes when I can walk around. Things I never felt comfortable wearing but kind of really wanted to?”

“Such as…?” Kihyun asks, eyes up on her as he stuffs a whole-ass cucumber in his mouth and munches.

“Like, those kinds of outfits that look really good on a girl but could be a boy’s? Big hoodies, ripped jeans, that kind of stuff? More… punk?”

Kihyun narrows his eyes and seems to consider for a moment before he goes, “Oooooh! With your hair in a bun or, or, ponytail? That’d be cute. Like Joo’s style? But more on the girly side.”

“Kinda. Bit less colorful and more girly, yeah,” Sangah nods, slurping some noods. “I don’t know, I always felt so envious. I love the soft dresses and shit, trust me, I live for it, but sometimes you just wanna wear some combat boots, y’know?”

“Step on me much?” Kihyun scoffs.

“Pffff!” Sangah laughs and kicks lightly at him again. “I’ll get _heels_.”

Kihyun slurps more noodles and then brings the container up to slurp a little of the broth. “Hm, maybe,” he places the bowl back on the table and reaches over for a piece of sushi. “I get it, though? I don’t like to look like I ride a bike wherever I go, all the time. It’s my public image, sure, and I like looking cool. But honestly? I love me nerdy sweaters and cuffed jeans.”

“Ugh, me too, you’re so--” Sangah puts a hand in a small fist and shakes it close to her, shoulders up and eyes scrunched. “_Soooooooft_. Oooh! Imagine, though. You all soft and me all rocker girl,” Sangah teases, eyebrows going up and down.

“Oh, I like that. Actually, I wanted to ask, how do you feeeeel… about matching outfits?”

Sangah puts a hand to her chest, tries to look as emotional as possible. “I thought you’d never ask…”

“Great!” Kihyun chirps, “Then, when you’re all better, let’s go shopping together.”

“Sounds like a date,” Sangah smiles wide and holds out a noodle for Kihyun to _slorp_, leaning over for a kiss once he does. “Love you…”

Kihyun blinks, eyes a little wide and swallows that noodles before leaning in to press his lips on Sangah’s. Its soft, squishy, but warm.

“I love you, too, princess,” Kihyun mumbles.

\---

Slowly but surely, things start to look better. Not that they weren’t good before. But Kihyun doesn’t like to settle for good when there’s more just around the corner. Then again, he doesn’t ask for much, but the little he asks for seems to depend both on luck and himself.

For instance, he has the perfect girlfriend for him. So, despite the ups and downs, (The downs are slight, really, sometimes Sangah just gets… emotional. For no reason. But Kihyun has found that listening for a small while and then kissing her, drowning her in compliments, always does the trick.), Kihyun’s love life is more than fine. It’s great, actually!

And now, finally, it’s time to end something and begin something else. Another chapter of his life closing today with this last Fan Sign for Spectrum as they are. Because in two days, it’ll be just Kihyun, Jooheon and Wonho, like they’ve wanted from the very beginning.

So, slowly but surely, things are starting to look better. And the thing is, Kihyun has found, that by putting positive energy into the world, he’s rewarded with equal positivity. So, he closes his eyes to what he knows swirls around the corners of the internet, about him, about Sangah, about Spectrum, and smiles only at what shines for him. And in turn, by shining back at them, like stars do, Kihyun gets double in return.

Looking at the bright side also helps with dealing with his personal life. Because if he’s happy then Sangah is happy. If he’s happy then the guys tend to be happier around him. And it’s not lying, not really, because Kihyun is, in fact, happier than he’s ever been, holding out both hands to two of his dreams.

So, when a guy sits in front of him for the Fan Sign and says (quite fast, too), “Hello!” And bows. “My name is Yoo Seungwoo, I’m so happy to finally meet you, you’re--” he beams at Kihyun. “My biggest inspiration, I’m so happy to finally meet you! Oh, I said that, uhm--” the boy blushes and just bows his head a little again, fumbles with his album, Kihyun’s heart does a leap over the edge of happiness.

“Nice to meet you,” Kihyun smiles, honest to god smiles because he doesn’t know how to express what he’s feeling, not really, “That--” he reaches over the album, “Let me help you. Also, Yoo, huh? We could be siblings.”

Seungwoo looks a little sheepish when he hands the album over, clearly a little flustered. “Ah, I asked many times, unfortunately not,” he says, and then laughs nervously. “Hopefully the ‘Yoo’ is good luck for an amazing voice!”

Kihyun looks up, blindly opens the album on the page with his picture and then looks down. “Can you sing?” He asks as he starts scribbling. 

“I hope so! I’m trying!” Seungwoo nods excitedly. “I practise to your voice every day!”

Kihyun blinks up, smiles in amusement. “Really? That’s actually means a lot… Now I wanna hear you!”

Seungwoo’s eyes go wide and his face red. “Oh, no, no, no, I couldn’t, it’s like painting in front of Michelangelo.”

Kihyun laughs, “Aish, not really?” He shrugs and looks down, scribbles some more. “Honestly, thank you. But overall? I sing for fun, because that’s what I love. I’d hate it if people stopped--”

“But that’s why I love you so much--” Seungwoo freezes. “Oh no not like that, just--why you inspire me? Hah. Ahah…”

Kihyun snorts a laugh. _Oh god, I’m blushing._ “That’s fine… I get it. I used to,” he taps the pen on the table and looks up playfully, “Sing to my male singer crushes, too.”

Seungwoo’s shoulders slump. “Yeah, I bet. Won’t call you oppa, though, promise.” He blinks. “Wait, you did?”

“That’s how I started,” Kihyun nods, looks down and signs the little message. “So, who knows,” he says as he hands the album over with a smile, “Maybe one day we’ll sing together.”

Seungwoo’s face goes all pout and his eyes a little shiny. “Ma--Maybe. I’m--I’m just a trainee, but I’ll work hard,” he bows, reaches for the album and bows again. “Thank you so much, hyung.”

Kihyun waves a little and leans back on his chair, “Thank _you,_ Seungwoo.”

It’s stupid, really. Because all fans are precious, no matter their intentions, no matter what they _stan_ for or whom they like more in a group, they’re all precious as long as they don’t start petty wars for sake of nothing. But people like this guy? They’re rare but they give Kihyun such a boost that all he feels like doing is close himself up in the studio and not come out until he’s got ten whole albums ready to throw into the world.

It’s a remainder in the end; _This is why I do what I do._ Not only so he can help people, because music helps everyone, it helped him too and it still does. But also so he can inspire people, as he was once, too, inspired by another.

Just music or not, Kihyun’s entire life is surrounded by it. And he’d never met half the people he considers to be important to him today if it wasn’t for music.

He looks down at one of the little papers over the table and glances at a girl takes the chair across from him. He says, “Hello,” cheerfully as he scribbles down, _‘The Last Time’._

Seems like a good single to say goodbye.

For now, at least.

\---

“My disappointment,” Sangah says, starfished over the bed, staring at the ceiling with dead eyes. “Is impalpable.”

“Becaaaaause…?” Kihyun asks as he rubs a towel over his head. “They killed her? Or just… overall disappointment?”

Sangah makes a wide sweeping gesture around the room. “Aaaaal of iiiiiiit. Ugh. Anyway! Cheer me up!”

“When it takes you almost two years to catch up with Game of Thrones,” Kihyun scoffs as he gets closer and sits down on the bed, lets the towel flop to his shoulders and glances over. When he leans in to nuzzle, his wet hair tickles, and it makes Sangah laugh.

“I didn’t wanna watch it, everyone said it was bad!” she laughs and throws her arms over him to squeeze, take a deep breath and smell all that _clean_. “I had no idea it would be _this _bad, damn…”

Kihyun sneaks a hand under Sangah’s shirt and soothes a thumb over her hip bone. “Hm… When you deliver something amazing… It’s hard to keep the quality. Definitely hard to finish it in the same tone. Still, I don’t think that was the problem here…”

“The writing was bad, and they should feel bad,” Sangah deadpans, wiggling a little under Kihyun’s hand. Her boobs move a little, too! It’s great! They’re bigger now, which is, also, great!

“I believe you,” Kihyun scoffs, scratches his nails lightly over Sangah’s skin and then sighs. “And I might agree, though I don’t know much about writing anything that isn’t music. It’s not that some people died, it’s just the way they behaved in the end, which shat all over the little development they had. At least that’s how it felt for me. It’s like--” Kihyun laughs a little. “Making this huge build up and you expect the beat to drop and… it doesn’t.”

“The beat, instead, commits genocide,” Sangah scoffs.

Kihyun finger-guns with his free hand and then laughs a little, turns Sangah around and pulls her close so she fits into him as the small spoon. “Something like that. Good show overall.”

Sangah laughs. “Yeah, well, show overall has like, 9.5 rating? That episode had a 4.5. That says everything you need to know. And that 4.5 was just because of the dog. Dogs are awesome.”

“You mean the--” Kihyun’s hand trails up a little, fingertips light on Sangah’s stomach, “Dragon?”

“No,” Sangah squirms a little under his touch. _Goddamnit_. “The big white direwolf. Best character in the show. Deserves better.”

“You and wolves,” Kihyun scoffs. His fingertips stop when they touch the underside of Sangah’s boob and, when Kihyun sighs, he moves his hand up and just… holds… the boob. That’s it. Just holds it.

“New and improved,” Sangah jokes. A to a B, bitches. “Thoughts?”

“Can I be one hundred percent honest without being shunned?”

“Are you gonna say ‘squishy’?”

Kihyun snorts a laugh and squeezes lightly at the boob. “Yep. Squishy. Also, it fits nicely in my hand. I like that.”

Sangah laughs softly. “Made for you, then,” she says softly, wiggles back a little into him and closes her eyes.

“Made for Yoo.”

“Ehehehe,” Sangah giggles and turns her head to look at him. His eyes are closed and his hair still a little wet, but he’s… he’s just… “You’re so beautiful.”

“You say that--” Kihyun opens one eye, “While I’m holding the boobie… It ain’t fair.”

“Hold both then, I don’t see the problem, here.” She looks him up and down. “Hmm…”

Kihyun frowns in amusement, “What…”

“You’re all freeeesh.”

“Yes, well,” Kihyun moves his hand a little, one finger grazing over a nipple which… _ugh, heal faster, 20k investment!_ “I just left the shower. Still need to put pants on.”

Sangah smiles wickedly and takes Kihyun’s hand to pull it away, twist around and push Kihyun down into the bed, sitting on his lap as she brings his hand back to her breast, under her shirt that lifts with it.

Kihyun’s eyes widen a little and he looks at his hand before raising his head to look down at Sangah straddling him and letting his head fall back with a small groan. “This is… torture. No more Game of Thrones for you, missy.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” she scoffs, leaning down to kiss his neck and whisper in his ear. “Just two more weeks, baby…”

Kihyun shivers a little and the hand holding Sangah’s boob squeezes a little. “I hate you…”

“It’s okay,” Sangah kisses, rolls her hips a little on him and smiles to herself when Kihyun sighs loudly into her mouth. “I can think of ways to pass the time.” 

But, of course, that’s exactly when her phone rings.

Kihyun reaches for Sangah’s thigh and squeezes a little before letting go of her and going limp over the bed, “The world hates me,” he dramatizes.

“He says to the trans girl,” Sangah scoffs and rolls off of him, answering the phone and pressing it to her ear without looking at it. She watches Kihyun lift the hem of his boxers and peek in before scowling and letting the elastic band snap, head falling back when he glares at the ceiling.

“Changkyun?” a familiar but barely recognizable voice says on the other side of the line.

Sangah sits up, eyes wide and heart dropping into her stomach. “Mom?”

“Yes? Is that you?”

“Ye--Yes, it’s me…”

“Barely sounds like you,” Grace says, “If at all? What did you do?”

“I practized…” Sangah looks around to Kihyun, biting at her lip and finds him looking at her, expression open, hand slowly reaching out, finger poking at her hand, which she turns hers into, fingers lacing between his. “I haven’t heard from you in ages, mom, is everything okay?”

“What? Oh, yes,” Grace says. “I’m calling because… Because your brother is getting married…”

“Oh.” Sangah blinks. It hurts a little because--“He didn’t tell me.”

“Your father wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. You can come, though, as long as…”

“As long as it’s Changkyun coming,” Sangah nods, laughs bitterly. “Right.”

Kihyun sits up and frowns, pulls Sangah’s hand closer to him and kisses at her palm, glances away as he keeps rubbing his lips over her skin.

“Precisely,” Grace says. “It’s your brother’s wedding, it’s important.”

“I know, mom,” Sangha says softly. “But it’s not like I can turn it off.”

“What do you mean?” Grace sighs. “You lived most of your life as boy and you turned that off.”

“It wasn’t a switch, mom, it was… a fork in a road,” Sangah sighs. “Just listen to me, you said you could barely recognize me. I don’t even--I don’t even look like Changkyun anymore, mom. I really want to come but...”

There’s a pause, a moment of silence. “If you _could_ come as… dressed as… like that, you wouldn’t be able to sit with us. And even then, your brother might not have a table for you if you don’t sit with us.”

Sangah looks down, feels the burn in her eyes. “Mom… You wouldn’t recognize me if I walked past you on the street…”

A sigh. “You did it, didn’t you? Everything…”

“Yes,” Sangah says, lip trembling. “If you could just see me again, you’d see how happy I am--please, mom, I have--I have a boyfriend and I love him so much, I’m really so happy, and I--I just want to see my brother get married--”

There’s another pause. This time, it’s a long one. And then Grace says, “I was told to invite Im Changkyun. If he can’t come, then that’s alright. Goodbye.” 

Sangah chokes on a sob. “No, mom, just--”

And the line cuts.

She feels her features crumble and herself with it, folding into a little ball with her phone still pressed to her ear, sobbing behind her hand.

“Hey,” Kihyun says softly, wrapping his arms and legs around her and kissing at her head, “Hey… I’m here…”

Sangah feels herself shake with breaths she almost chokes on, phone falling between them as she turns around to let Kihyun hold her. He kisses the top of her head and then presses his lips against her hair, starts humming a song under his breath as he holds her close. It's something different, a song she can't recognize.

So, Sangah cries for a while. It’s ugly and it hurts. But Kihyun holds her and sings for her under his breath the whole time.

“I--” Sangah cries softly, after a while, voice small. “I can’t believe my own mother doesn’t love me.”

Kihyun kisses the top of her head again. “I’m… I’m sorry, baby…” He sighs. “I’m so sorry…”

“What’s--” Sangah sobs, clinging. “What’s so bad about having a daughter instead…”

“No idea,” Kihyun says, “I’d actually love to have one--well, if--” he pauses. “I mean, we don’t have to, but I’m totally up for it, if you are. And the best part is you won’t have to carry it around for nine months.”

Sangah laughs softly between her tears. “I… I always thought that would be something nobody would love me for. I know it sounds stupid but…”

“It’s not,” Kihyun says, “I know a couple of guys who’d sneer at the thought. But… Well, while I’d love to have one of my own I think it’s… It’s mostly just stupid and selfish. Something I have internalized. And there’s plenty of kids up for adoption, so why not help one of those little guys instead?”

Sangah pouts, face wet with tears as she wiggles a little to look at him. “I think I’d quite like being a mother…”

Kihyun smiles down at her and kisses her forehead. “I think you’d be a great mother. And you’d love them no matter what. And… you’d teach me to do the same.”

“Even if they turn out to be little Hyungwons?” Sangah teases, sniffing and wiping at her tears.

“Hopefully, they’ll like me more than Hyungwon does?” Kihyun scoffs.

“Doesn’t take much,” Sangah giggles.

Kihyun laughs and squeezes her a little. “Hm, but yeah. I’m not… I know I still have trouble understanding some stuff, and sometimes I say insensitive shit without meaning to but… I know you’ll teach me. Honestly? I think I’d be a better father if you’re the mother.”

Sangah feels her chest tighten and her eyes burn again. In the good way, this time. She leans up, despite the tears, to kiss Kihyun softly on the lips. 

“Tell you what,” Sangah jokes softly. “I’ll invite my brother to our wedding but he has to wear a dress or he can’t come in.”

“Sounds great,” Kihyun laughs. “I’d totally wear a dress to his wedding just so you could wear the pants. You should’ve told your mother.” He pokes at Sangah’s ribs. “You with that teeny voice and me with the deep one.”

“Here’s my boyfriend, he looks great in a boob tube,” Sangah giggles. “You would, though, let’s be real… Arms…”

Kihyun frowns, _“If_ you ever have to dress me in one of your dresses, the pictures shall be printed and locked and every digital copy deleted from your phone.”

“You forget, they put you in pigtails and a skirt.”

“We don’t speak of that! Jooheon had to kiss my nose!”

“It was _adorable_.”

Kihyun makes a face. “I could feel his breath on my--on my--” he shivers, “Ugh.”

Sangha quickly presses in again, lips on lips. “On there?”

Kihyun sticks out his tongue and shivers again, squeezing Sangah in the process. “Ugh. It would be worse if it was Wonho.”

Sangha grins. “Oh, the fanfiction would be rampant…”

“We don’t speak of fanfiction that isn’t of the two of us,” Kihyun scoffs. He shifts a little and then lets himself fall over the bed, still holding Sangah in his arms. “On that note… I was thinking… Not now, of course, or ever if you don’t want to but… Would you like to meet my parents?”

Sangah shoots up straight. “What?!”

Kihyun shrugs one shoulder and looks at her. “My mom knows I have a girlfriend and… she’s mentioned inviting you over next time I go to Goyang. I think… I think it’ll be fine as long as I don’t tell them, well, the whole truth. Of course we won’t unless you’re totally okay with it.”

Sangah shakes her head. “No, I don’t--your _parents_, no, I don’t want them to know…” she pouts down at the bed. “You really want me to meet them?”

Kihyun huffs a laugh and smiles small, reaches up to curl a few strands of Sangah’s hair behind her ear. “I just told you I want you to be the mother of my kids and now you ask me if I _really_ want you to meet my parents? Yeah, silly. I wanna show you off.”

“Ugh, I’m gonna cry again,” Sangah whines but smiles, pouncing over him. “Of course I do…”

“Theeeen,” Kihyun giggles a little, arms around Sangah, “When you’re all better? Let’s do that.”

“_Once I’m better, _we’re not leaving the house for a whiiiile,” Sangah grins and then giggles, hides her face in his chest.

Kihyun’s face goes (rewardingly) pink. “Oh… Well. That… That’s fine. After you’re better and we’re… Well, _I’m_ empty. All loaded out? ‘Cause you don’t get loaded out now. So unfair.”

Sangah laughs. “Sometimes I forget I’m talking to this super straight dudebro and then you say ‘loaded out’ and it just comes back to me…”

Kihyun makes a faces and points at the door, “Well, if I’m _too_ straight for you--! I can just, you know, go and you find someone not so straight--” he snorts and Sangah grips at his shirt and pulls him back on the bed, leg locking over him.

“Mine.”

“Keep moving like that and I’m calling your doctor because you look healthy to me.”

“Couldn’t split if my life depended on it right now, m’_dude_.”

Kihyun slaps lightly at Sangah, makes a face, “Please, don’t call me that…”

“Bro,” Sangah jokes, poking at him. 

“And this is how you turn me off altogether,” Kihyun scoffs as he sits up. “Aish… I should comb my hair or it will dry like this…” he says as he gestures up and the nest atop his head.

“I don’t know, looks pretty comfy for a hamster nest...”

“You’re not a hamster so.”

“I’ll still try to fit, though,” Sangah says, nuzzling into his hair. Here, at home, in his arms, right where she belongs, right where she feels safe.

\---

Some things change a lot in the course of a year. Sangah meets Kihyun’s parents and, surprisingly, they actually _love_ her. Mostly because she lets them embarrass Kihyun in front of her, what all parents love to do to their children. And maybe Kihyun’s mother isn’t the most open minded mother in the world, but she’s bright and warm and makes Sangah feel welcomed.

The band breaks up but Wonho, Jooheon and Kihyun promise to return within a year with a full album and a mini album, just the three of them. Which, both seems to make stan Twitter crumble and rise from the ashes at the same time in the span of a day.

Hyungwon finally gets the date he’s been thirsting over for _years._ And a few weeks later he becomes incredibly private at whatever he and Wonho do when they meet up. Which, Sangah knows, tells her how serious it is.

Jooheon and Dior are the go to on double dates. And Dior becomes one of Sangah’s best girl friends. Turns out, Dior is a little chaotic (which Kihyun is afraid might influence Sangah) so she’s great at spicing life up a little.

So, overall? Despite the what comes and what goes, how people like Shownu and the gang are still a constant despite their personal lives, how Sangah never speaks to her family again despite hoping, somehow, things will get better someday, everything is just… fine. Perfect. And perfect doesn’t mean flawed. Because even the toughest, prettiest diamond can be flawed. But it’s perfect. As perfect as it can be. And hopefully… This will be another bright shine on it all, but Sangah doubts it could be anything but.

She’s wanted Kihyun to touch her, really _touch her_, for what feels like years and years, and now… Well, it’s a good thing she has a girl friend who likes to shop at Victoria’s Secret. 

It’s difficult not to feel self-conscious, or nervous, despite how stupidly excited she is. It’s difficult, mostly because of what she’s… wearing.

Especially once she’s home, walking around the house like it’s _nothing_ with Kihyun right there, on the sofa, blissfully unaware. Like she didn’t obsess over her hair and make-up, like she’s not wearing a lacy black corset with the tiniest pair of panties she’d ever freaking seen. Like she’s _not _wearing sheer thigh highs. She’s she’s not barely hiding it under a silk, navy kimono.

Kihyun has barely looked at her yet, eyes on his phone as he texts. He does that sometimes, just… zones out even as he walks in. And now he’s on the sofa, still zoning out. Did he have to put on that mood _today,_ though_? _The first day she’s open for business? Men. The worst timing.

She clears her throat from behind the kitchen counter, leaning on it, trying to look casual.

“Want anything from the kitchen?” she asks, _casual, casual, casual dammit_.

“Nah, I’m fine,” Kihyun says without looking up. Instead, he frowns at his phone. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Sangah grumbles a little, side glances the fridge. No reason, really, just need to direct that look somewhere. “Whatcha lookin’ at?”

“Hm,” Kihyun hums, “Texting… We’re… We’re trying to decide on something but it’s… Wonho is being stubborn again.”

_And you’re being unobservant. _Sangah puffs softly, pulls away from the counter and walks into the living room, kimono around herself, to go straighten out some books on her bookcase, no biggie.

“About?”

“Joo managed to snatch a collab, but Wonho doesn’t think we should drop that one for the mini album. Except… I think it would make it more exciting? Since it’s usually less than a full album.”

“Mmm,” Sangah hums absentmindedly. This is stupidly comfortable for a lacey corset, what the fuck. “Who’s it with?”

Kihyun opens his mouth and glances up, _finally!!!_ “Day…” he blinks, straightens up a little, eyes on Sangah. “Day6… _Don’t tweet it--_What are you… wearing?”

“Something new,” Sangah smiles, turning around with a little spin. All he can see is the tights and the kimono. “Do you like it?”

Kihyun’s eyes go up and down and he slowly places the phone down on the sofa. “Uhm…” He looks at Sangah’s legs, “Yes…? Yeah, I do.”

“Good, I was hoping you might,” Sangah say, smiling shyly (_why_) and glancing back at the bookcase. “You know… It’s been a while...”

It’s actually been _quite _a while, considering how busy Kihyun has been and the slight complications here and there. Parents, some post-surgery problems, _yadda yadda._ But Sangah is ready to, well, test it out, so to speak.

“Oh…” Kihyun blinks. “Then… why are you over there and not over here?” He asks slowly, tonguing a lightly at the corner of his lips when she gives him a look.

She laughs softly, though, looking down as she pushes away from the bookcase towards him. “Because… I’m actually kind of nervous..?”

Kihyun reaches up once she’s close enough and takes one of her hands, and then the other, tugs a little until Sangah has to climb over the couch, on her knees and over him. She sits down on his lap, straddling him, and Kihyun leans in to kiss her forehead.

“Well,” Kihyun says, “I wasn’t nervous two minutes ago but now I am.”

“You are?” Sangah asks softly, fiddling with the silk belt around her waist.

“Yeah?” Kihyun admits. “I mean… I don’t… I don’t want to, I don’t know, hurt you? Make you feel bad? Or… _not_ make you feel good and fail miserably at it?” He laughs.

Sangah smiles softly and nuzzles at his nose before leaning back. “I… I’m in the unique position of feeling very comfortable with my body while also not… knowing it. At all. And it’s a… an odd sentiment, I guess, but… I want you to be the one to help me… figure it out.”

“No pressure, right?” Kihyun chuckles.

“Actually? No, not really,” Sangah smiles. “I’m happy…”

Kihyun sighs and nods, reaches up to touch her hair, “You look extra pretty today…”

“I’m a twenty five year old virgin, count me some slack,” Sangah jokes softly, fiddles with the belt until it goes undone in her hands and she feels the kimono slide a little down her shoulders, open slightly at the front.

Kihyun visibly, even if softly, sucks in a breath, eyes going everywhere. “Oh. Okay… That’s… Like the thing itself wasn’t an incentive, right? I mean… Wow.”

Sangah flushes, can feel it up to her ears. “You waited a long time... Might as well spoil you a bit, right? And I… like it. I feel good… Never thought I would…”

Kihyun swallows and holds up two fingers as he says, “Two things; one, no girl ever went this far for… well, me? So… this is like, great? Overwhelming. Two, you look amazing and I’m freaking out.”

Sangah laughs brightly, shakes her head, hair everywhere. She brushes it back behind her ears to lean in and kiss Kihyun on the lips, quickly, like a tease. 

“Okay, I get it,” Kihyun mumbles, head hanging for a moment before he takes a deep breath. He looks up, kisses Sangah’s lips, quickly, too, and then, hands under her thighs, picks her up as he gets up. “To note, black looks great on you,” he says as he carries Sangah to the bedroom.

“I know,” Sangah says, finds those two moles on the side of his neck and noms.

Kihyun doesn’t put her down on the bed. Instead, he sits down and lies down with Sangah on top of him. He brings her close, hands cupping at her face, and kisses her, moves all of her hair to one side and the slowly trails the kisses down her jaw, her neck, to her shoulder.

“You smell so nice…” he mumbles, slowly brings the kimono down. It hangs near Sangah’s elbows, but Kihyun leaves it there, moves his hands to her thighs and slides them all the way up to her hips while nibbling at a bit of skin on the crook of her neck.

Sure, they’ve kissed like this before, they’ve touched and messed around but mostly with Sangah on the, well, giving side of things. It’s dizzying how ready she is to just receive. And Kihyun seems bent on doing just that; giving. Giving her a lot, even the spotlight. Because while he touches her, feels her, her skin, her body, kisses her like she’s the most wanted girl in the world, she stays on top like it’s her show.

When the kimono comes off, though, that changes. Kihyun picks Sangah up again and slowly lies her down over the bed, a gentle want that makes her chest ache. He takes his shirt off in one move and crawls over her to kiss her. And he kisses her _everywhere._ From her lips to her chest, from her chest to her navel, from her navel to her thighs, and _there _he leaves a hickey.

And once he’s through every available spot of skin, he softly turns her around and leans over, presses himself against her and bites at her ear, pushes her hair out of the way and kisses down her back, to the swell of her ass, where be bites at softly, ecliting a small whine, and then down to the back of her thighs.

And every place he kisses feels so new, but so much better than it used to be. It feels like her own skin, finally blooming out from underneath a shell. It’s impossible to feel tense, or nervous, when someone can literally make her feel like the self she always wished you could be.

“Kihyun,” Sangah breathes, face pushed a little against the pillow and hand coming back to find him, trying to twist herself back around to see him, to pull him back into a kiss, move her crotch up and against him. The doctor said she’d never actually get fully ‘wet’, but she does, a little, like a necessity suddenly tugging at her.

And when Kihyun reaches between them to unbutton his jeans and presses against her, she can actually _feel _him and the heat between them. And she hears, even if barely, Kihyun’s little whimper against her mouth.

It’s an odd feeling, arousal. It can make someone's body as light as a feather, but also heavy in places they’d never really expect, like how it creeps into her chest, down to the pit of her stomach and makes her want to squirm against the feeling between her legs. She reaches down, brushes her hand over Kihyun’s crotch before lifting her hips and tugging lightly at her underwear.

Who’d have thought, right?

But Kihyun stops her, leans back just enough to look at her and then leans back in to leave a breathless kiss on her lips before sitting back. He curls his fingers around the hem of her panties and pulls them down, slowly, following the movement with his eyes until the panties are completely off. And then he kisses at her ankle, up her leg, spreading them a little as he fits himself between them, which makes her heart jump and her face flush bright red.

Sangah feels lips mouthing on her thigh, getting closer and closer and--Kihyun stops.

“Oh,” he says, lifts his head like a dog that just got whistled at, “Wow,” he looks back down, “You know what? It’s round and pretty, I love it.”

“Oh my god,” Sangah squeaks a little, squirming and putting both hands over her very red face. She peeks through her fingers at him, probably the reddest she’s ever been in her life. “Oh god you’re staring at it, I’m gonna die.”

Kihyun looks up. He looks _actually_ impressed, it’s ridiculous. “I’m just… admiring art.”

Sangah hides again. _Money well spent, then, huh_. Although, seeing Kihyun between her legs like this is really going to kill her. And it kind of does when, without a word, she feels his lips on her, between her legs, moving slowly, tongue pressing here and there.

Nope, _this _is the reddest she’s ever been. She feels her eyes go wide and she lets her hands fall, looking down and--_asfjsdhjkhlgjkl._ Going, _AKJFBWKJBFKWBEF_ the moment Kihyun glances up, eyes hooded, for a second before looking down.

Arousal sparks so fast Sangah shakes a little, before the feeling just turns… warm. Giddy and warm and entirely overwhelming in every sense of the word. She grips a hand down, can’t _believe _it’s Kihyun’s hair she’s holding onto, rolling her hips just a little against his tongue and making the loudest, lewdest moan she never thought she’d be capable of.

It feels even more overwhelmingly positive when Kihyun licks into her. And he does this--this _thing_ with his tongue and she’s pretty sure if he keeps doing that, her body’s just going to give in. But he does, he keeps going, because she keeps making sounds, with every lick or press that makes her brain turn to mush and her stomach into molten steel. And then he adds a finger, just circling slowly around her, and her body knows before she does where she wants that finger to be. Where she wants _him _to be.

He gives a slow but harsh suck at her clit and it’s game over. She shivers with a little yelp, legs shaking as he heel digs a little into Kihyun’s back, hand gripping at his hair. 

“Oh god,” she gasps, whines as he--_keeps fucking going_. She can’t really tell, but it feels like more, feels bigger, so she thinks he’s put in a second finger but honestly she couldn’t get her eyes to focus on anything right now. 

And then it stings, hurts a little. 

“Ah,” Sangah whimpers, lifts her hand to flop it to where she thinks the bedside table is. “I need--”

Kihyun glances up and turns his face to kiss her inner thigh before crawling over her and kissing her forehead, “Sorry. Where is it?”

“Drawer,” Sangah says, dazed as all hell. She wants to send a letter of thanks to that fucking hospital.

She hears Kihyun search the drawer and then hears him close it. When he leans over her again, he kisses her slowly, softly. And it’s as much as a distraction as it gets, because Sangah didn’t hear the pop of a bottle, but when Kihyun’s hand reaches down between her legs, his fingers feel a little cold and really wet.

All he does is touch the surface, though, hand rubbing on her while he kisses her. And when it stops, it comes back, except this time, she feels his fingers inside her, just a small press at first, and then slowly more.

Sangah’s breath stutters and she clings to him, eyelids fluttering open so she can look at him, eyes heavy with want. But still, she reaches out, brushing her thumb over his cheek, across his bottom lip. 

_No amount of I love yous will ever be enough_.

“I want you,” she says softly, looking up at him. “All of you.”

And that’s what she gets, too, in more ways than one. Because she can actually feel it, it isn’t just sex. And while every little touch ignites a thousand different sparks in her body, every little word of reassurance blows a wind so strong that it makes sparks turn into flames. Because it’s Kihyun, his voice, him touching her and making her feel amazing and loved, which is all she’s ever wanted, all her life, to feel loved for who she is, really, truly, inside and now... outside, too.

So, a few hours later, a few rounds later, when they’re just a pair of tired limbs over the sofa in the living room, watching a crappy TV show and eating chips out of a bowl on the floor, Kihyun will always be nothing less than unforgettable and Sangah knows she was, at some point in her life, two hundred percent loved. 

“Say,” Kihyun mumbles, voice a little raspy. Sangah can hear it deeper with how she has her ear pressed to his chest. “Earlier… You said ‘all of you’. So, I was thinking…” He reaches down and grabs a chip, reaches up and nibbles at it for a moment. “Im Sangah, will you marry me?”

Sangah is halfway lifting a chip to her mouth, smiles and chucks it into her mouth anyway, looking at him for a few seconds as she chews, eyes obviously betraying her.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

And maybe this, too, was written in the stars.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, hit us up on twitter by tagging us (@shitty4eyes and @eunmih) or by using the tag #InTheStarsAO3.
> 
> Disclaimer: While I (Dan) have experience with gender dysphoria and all its fuckery, neither Cathe or I are trans girls. I have known a lot of trans girls and listened to their stories, and what Sangah goes through is one of them. It's not universal, but then again, almost nothing is, so do not take Sangah's feelings about her transness (or Dior's) to be indicative of some sort of standard about what being trans means/entails, as that is different for everyone. What I can say, though, is that while people don't necessarily think that you cannot be a trans girl with a dick, or a trans boy with a vagina, it's entirely in their right to not be attracted to someone for those reasons. I have known a lot of people, and have close friends, who feel like they are transphobic for not being attracted to someone who is trans. That's just... Not true. Some straight guys don't care if the girl they date has a dick, some (most of them) do. A lesbian isn't transphobic for not liking dick, even if it's on a girl; you can't control what you're attracted to, so I won't accept anyone calling Kihyun (who is straight in this fic) a transphobe for not liking dick, even though he very obviously likes Sangah. Sangah, it suffices to say, also doesn't WANT to have sex with him pre-op.


End file.
